


When it rains, it pours

by Pollyworld



Category: Chicago Med, Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Police Procedural, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Aftermath, Rape/Non-con Elements, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:41:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 17
Words: 47,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26113597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pollyworld/pseuds/Pollyworld
Summary: (After 7X14)Vanessa has just shot the young mentally ill man she was pursuing, then she needs to go give a statement to headquarters but the Superintendent arrives on the scene and decides to drive her there and to speed up the process a bit.But Vanessa will learn the hard way there is no such thing as cutting corners with the mighty of Chicago law.
Comments: 20
Kudos: 48





	1. The HQ

**Author's Note:**

> Warning : Rape scene is pretty graphic so be aware.  
> I think the characters are a bit OOC (Sorry for the fans) but I'm not used to writing fiction, actually, this is my first, but I felt inspired with this stream of thoughts.
> 
> It's messed up and I'm sorry if it's too distressing.
> 
> (Most of the story follows the main canon, but here Kim doesn't have the pregnancy plotline) 
> 
> All characters belong to the Dick Wold industrial complex, I'm just borrowing them for torture.
> 
> nb: English isn't my first language, nor my second really, so I hope I'm doing ok, and sorry for any non-sense!  
> Hope you enjoy and please send your kudos and comments my way!

As she was being picked up by what she assumed would be a plain patrol car, Vanessa still had trouble reconciling what has just happened to her, to him mostly, she had fired and nearly killed a person today on the job, and until a second ago they couldn't retrieve the gun she had seen him fire 5 times in the minutes before she's hit him.  
Was she going to be fired? Nowadays, everyone at the district kept saying that for every gun fired a cop could bet on losing their badge. She could plainly hear the usual _“with all the woke anti-police shit happening, we can't do our jobs anymore”_.   
Every time she heard that she would low key roll her eyes because until just a few months ago, she was on the other side, the “woke” side, the side of the people being at risk of being routinely killed by the police, in the end, that's what drove her to be a police officer, to ignite change for her people.

She was tired of seeing her neighbors being mistreated and killed by the civil servants in blue, so after her last stint with the law, she decided that either she won't be so lucky the next time and she would end up having her own sheet, or she enrolled in the academy and prayed she would come out the other side as a good police officer, so far the latter had seemed like the right choice.

But now, despite the fact she was terrified by the idea that Sammy, the young schizophrenic suspect may not make it, she was also thinking about the looming end of her career in the force, after just a few months and she felt ridiculous.  
Most of her friends didn't even know she made it in, and now she will be fired before she even had the chance to break it to them.

“It's alright kid, you have to relax we've found the gun, it was a good shoot”, Voight's words were echoing in her head, he had told her to breathe, that everything was under control, and even if she hated the sentence, _it was a good shoot _he'd said, as she was still reeling with the notion of "good shootings" but right now she'll take anything to make sense of this moment.  
It was a good shooting and it wasn't fatal, she did her job, this is what she had signed for.  
Voight had even said she needn't call her FOP rep, he was that certain that she will be in no trouble, still, she had to go to the Ivory Tower and give her preliminary statement, she wished someone would come with her, maybe Hailey, but then she remembered with bitterness, this is not high school, you don't get your best friend to tag along with you to the principal office for moral support.  
She was a cop and she needed to act like one, the other patrolmen were already looking at her, and if they were any good at their job, could see she had been crying, and she couldn't let that be her reputation so early on the job, everybody knew that most of the boys in blue were very old school, and were already throwing the stinky eye to the 3 women of Intelligence, waiting for one of them to fuck up royally and mostly, publicly.__

____

____

She tried to fix-up her face as much as she could to dry out the last of her tears, and got ready to climb in the patrol car ready to drive her to the HQ to deliver her testimony; but just as she was about to wave to the patrolman in the car, someone called her name:   
“Officer Rojas?” She tilted her head up to meet that someone's eyes, a tall forty-ish years old White shirt was looking at her.  
“Yes, erhm Captain ?" she tried the first title that came to her head in a hesitant voice.  
“I am Superintendent Joseph Tapper, I think you are the officer I'm supposed to meet back at headquarters?”; Vanessa was completely put off-guard, and blurted: “Oh! Sorry Superintendent, yes I was gonna drive there, am I late? I'm so sorry I was trying to...", he cut her off softly, “ No you're not, In these troubled times we are always notified when an officer-involved shooting happens, so I came over to check the initial situation, but this one looks like nothing at all. Then pointing to Voight he added " You're Sergeant's told me it was a good shoot and that you were ready to give your statement right?  
“Of course Sir, yes Sir, I mean I'm sorry you had to come over here because of me.”

Seeing how anxious he was making her, he relaxed a bit a said with a smile :

“You have no reason to be sorry for, you were doing what this city is paying you for, keeping it safe"  
"Sir"  
He glanced around the scene once more than added “Well, I don't think my presence is needed anymore, I can drive you to my office, cut some corners so I can take your statement and we will be done with it ok?"

Vanessa blinked multiple times, she couldn't tell if this was a good or a bad thing, she was feeling pretty inadequate, she glanced at Hailey praying that her friend would see her and come to her rescue, but she was now busy talking with Jay and Voight, so Vanessa answered: “ I mean if it's no bother, I wouldn't want to impose, I mean, a patrol can drive me there”.  
“I wouldn't be telling you I can drive you if I couldn't”, he said a bit dryly, Vanessa felt stupid, he was a high officer of the law of the city of Chicago, of course, he wouldn't do things that were an annoyance to him, she glanced one last time in the direction of Hailey, and then followed the Superintendent to his car.

She expected a driver, most of these people have drivers, but he didn't. She didn't know how to feel about that, but something made her think it was a good thing, he wasn't one the uptight ones, crazy about titles and ranks.  
“How long do these things usually take?” she asked tentatively after a while.  
“Ah your first time huh?” She noded, “Around an hour or so if there's no hassle and I feel like there shouldn't be.” After a second he added, “Places to be?”  
“No, no I'm just arranging for my partner to pick me up.”  
Tapper didn't say anything, he just shrugged it off.

She sent a text to Haylie _“ Omw to the Ivory, can you pick me up in like an hour? Thx“_  
She answered right away _“ Of course, ill meet you there”_ , Vanessa let out a deep sigh for the first time since the last hour, and for the first time, felt like after all this might just resolve itself, tomorrow it will already be just a bad memory, granted that Sammy's state doesn't worsen during the night.

When they arrived it was just after 10 pm, she started thinking _don't these people ever stop working in here?_ Maybe after all they were all bitching about the wrong crowd. But she was rapidly proven wrong, the entire building was pretty much empty, there were just a couple of security officers downstairs, and while going up they met only a couple of cleaning staff and a fellow white shirt leaving too.

After a long walk among glass offices and conference rooms they finally arrived in a smaller interview room when Tapper said  
“After you” and let her in the room.   
They both sat at a long table, and he pulled out some forms and handed it to her, “ Just fill in your name and badge number, my assistant will get to the rest tomorrow, this is all very preliminary”.  
She started looking through the forms while he took out the recording device and a computer to type in what would be her version of the facts.  
“So all you have to do is describe the shooting as it happened, and I'll take notes and we will draw out your first official statement, and if nothing ever pops up in the following days this is gonna be your first and your last, but if there's anything else, then you will have to come back and we will have to go through everything again, understood?”  
“ Yes Sir”.  
He was very straight to the point and had some kind of military stiffness to him, but overall he was nice to her, and treated her like any other cop and not as a baby straight out of the academy, and she felt grateful for that.

She starting telling her tale.  
It had to be extremely precise, with timestamps every time she could, and she had to describe every little step and verbal interactions that had happened.  
After little under an hour, he re-read her statement back to her and said: “Good I think we're done, or do you have anything else to add ?" She screwed up her face and tried to think about anything else, but couldn't, so she said, “ No Sir, nothing more, I think that's all of it, Sir”.

He stood up looked at her like he was gauging her and after a while said,  
“Good job then, you can sign it and I can drive you back", something about the way he tried to say it casually rang false to Vanessa's ears and she quickly answered   
“Oh no Sir, thank you, but that's alright I'm sure my partner is already waiting for me, she will be downstairs ready to call it day!”  
She quickly signed the forms, then gestured some kind of goodbye and quickly left the room, walked back to the elevator leading her to the main lobby expecting to see a tired Hailey ready to take her back home.

But she didn't see Hailey, she checked her phone and there was nothing more since her roommate had said _see you in an hour_.  
She wrote: _Hey Hails I'm done with my statement, I can wait for you or grab a Lyft and go home, just let me know if you can't make it,_ she hit sent and waited a few minutes, after 10 minutes she wrote again: _Nevermind girl I'm beat, I'm gonna grab a car, and hope to see you home._

As she was getting ready to order a car on the app, she heard right behind her:   
“You're partner stood you up?"  
She saw Superintendent Tapper was ready to leave too, she felt a bit stupid and awkward now, “ Yeah maybe the team caught another call, I'm gonna grab a Lyft, have a good night” she said rapidly, hoping the interaction wouldn't last longer than needed.

“Don't be silly, let me drive you back I'm sure you can't be that far.”  
“Sir I assure you, you don't have to do that, she said half laughing half pleading,   
“ I've already ordered a car” But he didn't really let her finish and said “ From memory, your address is on my way home, come on, it's not every rookie cop that has stories like that to tell”.  
The way he talked, he was used to hearing yes instead of nos and his commanding tone made her understand she didn't really have a choice, so she said “ That's very kind of you”.

They drove the 15 minutes mostly in silence, but then he asked her “ So do you live alone, or do you have a boyfriend or something" she felt that was going south very fast, “Euhm no, I'm sharing a flat with my partner, I just made it into the team and never really got a chance... to find my own space” she added nervously, and then thought, of course, he already knew that.  
After that, he didn't say anything anymore, but she was now feeling more uneasy than she had been the rest of the evening, was he like... hitting on her? So far he looked so professional and white-shirty and even a bit distant like he was constantly thinking about something else, but now... She glanced in his direction and could see he didn't have a wedding ring...  
She felt stupid, making all this assumption in her head, what a guy like him would spend a minute thinking about hitting on a kid like her, she tried to relax. They were just a few seconds out.  
“This is me... you can drop me off just here, please."

He didn't stop where she told him, and he continued until they were right in front of the house.  
For some reason, she wanted to avoid that, like when your taxi driver gives you the creeps.  
She was half out of the car when she heard him say:   
“Looks like your partner didn't make it home just yet” of course she had already seen that all the lights were out and that Hailey's car wasn't there.  
She had no clue what she was supposed to add to that so she just said: “ Ah yes! Thank you so much! Hum, good night again !”

Then she sped out of the car, trying to look casual and relaxed but couldn't wait to put a bit of distance between him and her.  
As she was opening the door she could hear he hadn't driven out just yet, she turned again and smiled and waved.  
He then put the ignition on again and started driving away. 

She closed the door behind her and let out a long exhale she knew she was holding for a few minutes now. After getting back to her senses, she threw her day bag on the floor and thought she needed to wind down before even thinking about touching it but still took the time to put her gun in the safe by the entrance.

Then, she checked her phone again and saw a message from Hailey, _So sooorrry girl! Are you home yet? I was with Jay, he needed some backup but I'm on my way now._ For some reason she felt extra pissed at that and didn't bother answering just now, she decided she needed a shower before, then she'll answer her.  
Maybe Hailey would even be home by then, and maybe she will be less pissed by then.

In the shower, she knew she wanted to cry just to let out the stress of the day but the tears never came, still, she stayed in there an extra 10 minutes just to go through the film of the evening again.  
When she was about to faint because of the extreme heat and steam, she decided it was time to wrap this up and that she hadn't had anything to eat since breakfast.  
She stepped out of the shower and grabbed a large tank top and a pair of shorts, and went back downstairs to prepare some ramen to eat before going to bed, but as she was boiling some water she sheepishly remembered she better confirm to Hailey that she was home now, she wasn't feeling so weirded out anymore by Tapper and decided to be fair to Hailey knowing how she could never say no to Jay anyway.  
The thought made her gently smile, and she wrote back, _It's ok Hails I just made it home, should I leave you some food?_

Right after sending that message she heard a knock on the door, she thought to herself, why would Hailey...?   
She opened the door already saying “ Did you forget your... Oh, Superintendent?! “ her voice going somewhat high from the shock.


	2. The rape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanessa thinks the worst days of her life were behind her, but a sociopathic superior is going to show her that the worst is always to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW : Ok this is the chapter containing the graphic description of sexual assault.  
> I implore you to be warry of it and to pass it if it's too triggering.

“Oh Sir! you scared me! What are you doing here? Have I forgotten something ?”  
She was getting red in the face thinking about how she was dressed, but he didn't say anything, also he was wearing something completely different, like a regular patrol uniform for some reason.

He didn't answer and moved to enter the flat and closed the door behind him.   
Vanessa tried to nonchalantly cross her hands on her chest, and said again,  
“ What is it, Sir? Did something happen? Did Sammy die?” And she started panicking, she was now certain he's just had the call and came straight here to arrest her.   
“No no, nothing of the sort," he said very calmly, "I was going through your file again, and I could see you had quite a … wild youth officer.”  
Vanessa was just blinking like an idiot she thought to herself, and waiting for the other shoe to drop, he continued “ I was just thinking I wanted to help you bypass that one little incident on your file, there's no need for a promising young cop like you to have a non-fatal shooting like this on her not so perfect file, don't you agree?"

She couldn't understand, she felt like she was losing her footing in a bottomless pool, what was he saying??   
“ What are you saying? Are you gonna make it go away? How?”   
“ You want me to make it go away?”  
“ No, I didn't say that, I thought you were implying it didn't have to stick, I'm sorry, I just don't understand.”  
Without realizing it, she was now recoiling from him, while he was very slowly walking towards her.  
“What I mean, and I think you have understood it too, is that I can make this go away very easily if you cooperate.”  
“Cooperate, what do you mean, I already gave my statement, I told you everything I can remember, you can call my Sergeant or Detective Upton, they were there...”  
“Actually I was thinking about an arrangement just between us both, look I know you have thought about it, this is how you people are.”  
”What are you talking about ?!" now she was getting very distraught, “ What do you mean _you people _? If you think I'm gonna let myself bullied by someone because of my background you got another thing coming. You need to leave, My roommate is gonna be home any minute now, you should leave”.  
She was really panicking now, what was happening? What was he proposing to her? Threatening to terminate her here and now? Did she miss something? She was glancing at the door certain she was going to see Hailey coming through the threshold any minute now.__

__Tapper now started to seriously move onto her, she sensed it more than she saw it, and with the rest of the adrenaline still in her body she focused on her natural stealthy self to try to reach her gun safe... just in case.  
“I know that you know, stop playing coy with me, just looking at your file, how a girl like you, a little hoodrat, has succeeded in never being convicted? Then to make it into our academy? Come on! In my time girls like you were good for being baby mamas to gangbangers, and they would happily go on their knees to avoid a fine or a prison stint... but how times have changed, now everybody has a shot at coming up in the world... good for nothing scum like you can be Intelligence officer in the same year they start the academy, well I'm giving you a chance at actually sticking your landing."_ _

__Vanessa was horrified, she could picture the look on her own face, look that they were both sharing, not for the same reason, but pure disgust nonetheless._ _

__She tried to steady her voice, it wasn't like this was the kind of thing she never heard so she replied very calmly: “I'm sorry you are unhappy with me, but I think you should leave now, please. “ She tried to pass him by to open the door, to make him leave? To give herself a chance to flee? To manifest Hailey? She didn't know but she had to try._ _

__But she never got to get there, in a second he had grabbed her right arm and was yanking her back inside.  
“I don't think you understand me very well, you and I are going to help you stay in the force. This is what we're gonna do.”  
Now the panic was settling alright.  
“Let go of me, you're hurting me!!!” she cried, but he didn't let go, he yanked her again, but this time she decided she had enough cause to fight back, she had to defend herself, come what may, but there was zero chance this guy was laying another hand on her.  
If anything she wasn't one to submit easily to authority, so far it had caused her more trouble than not, but today this is what she was counting on to save her ass.  
She tried to kick him on the thigh to break his stance and free herself from his direct vicinity, only obsessing about reaching her gun now.  
But he easily avoided that kick.  
“You rookies always think real-life fights are like them little fighting classes at the academy?" He said imitating a baby voice, “You're pathetic. In real life when you're that tiny you don't fight off people twice your size, this is why you should always have your gun bitch”.  
And with this, he lunged at her, but she saw him coming and moved out of the way, even if he was still holding onto her, he lost balance, and had to use both his hands to cushion his fall.  
She didn't wait for him to get back up and jumped behind him, reached the safe, and entered the 5 digits to collect her gun, and just as she was going to grab it, she felt his hand locking around her ankle, pulling her hard and making her scream as she fell.   
They struggled on the floor as he pulled her to him, she starts to kick him in the face and tries to make him lose his grip on her, but he was holding onto her with all his strength.  
She didn't want to scream because she needed to focus, if she starts screaming then it means she is losing control, and she hasn't, not yet and this wasn't her first rodeo.  
Boys have tried to pull this shit on her since she was hardly a teenager, and he said he had read her file, he should know that you don't break kids... girls who grew up in the system so easily, they've been everyone's go-to targets since they were just little kids, they can fend off wannabe molesters for breakfast. _ _

__So that's what she does, she tries to think and to really load each of her hits with maximum force and intention.  
She starts wiggling very hard so he loses his grip on her, and eventually he does, she bolts so quickly he doesn't have time to react._ _

__” You bitch, you're making me work for it huh ?” He spat between his teeth, “But don't worry I have all night.“  
To throw him off she tries this time to go for the kitchen, there are knives there, she doesn't care now if he dies, he dies, she is not gonna take it._ _

__As she gleefully grabs the first knife she can access, he hits her on her back, knocking the wind out of her, she falls on the counter which finishes cutting all respiratory function out of her for a second, she concentrates everything she has on not losing the knife; she doesn't let her lack of oxygen take over her, and as she prepares to turn and strike, he grabs her hair with one hand and her left arm with the other and pulls with so much force that she finally lets out a cry.  
Still, she doesn't let go. She can feel him getting more and more violent, each movement is more loaded, she tries to bite his arm but he pulls her from it, let go of her hair and grab her on a chokehold while he slams her left arm against the kitchen counter, she cries out a guttural scream of pure pain and let go of the knife.  
Now firmly holding her from behind, he binds her whole torso with both his arms and whisper to her ear “ You fought bravely little soldier, but this is not the streets, and I'm not your local dealer” With that he humps into her back and she can now feel what she was too terrified to think about, his erection on the small of her back.  
She lets out a whimper and says “ Please, you don't have to do this, please please, let me go, my roommate, detective Upton she is coming home soon, she will be here any minute now”  
He cuts her off and laughs, “You've been waiting for her for more than an hour now, this is Chicago, you can't expect a cop to make it on time anywhere” he says with a dirty laugh as if the idea of an emergency happening was a personal blessing to him. _ _

__She was about to plead again, but she decides she is a fighter, so she tries to elbow him, she screams, she tries to bite him, to kick him, but she can't, he is far larger and stronger than her, and she is getting tired while he is hardly putting in any effort anymore... she feels like she is bound by a straight jacket.  
He starts caressing her breast over her top and she fights tears in her voice and tries to find better arguments to make him let her go. _ _

__He finally turns her to face him and without missing a beat he backhands her in the face and says “You are going to shut your damn mouth girl” with that he holds her jaw between his hands and tries to kiss her, but now that they're facing, she has a better fighting chance, so she lets him get closer and tries to knee him in the balls, but before she can land her kick, he let himself fall onto her and there's nothing she can do about that. She falls hard on the tiles and can only see darkness for a few seconds.  
Now that they are on the floor her panic hits unprecedented heights, you can never let someone on top of you on the floor, she thought to herself, chances to save yourself from fatal assault become very small._ _

__She fights full-blown terror, she tries to scream but this time he covers her mouth with one hand and he shreds her top with the other one.  
Her body jolts as she tries to move from under him, but he is so heavy, she hits him however she can, both her hands are free for a second, she tries to push him away from her, but he doesn't let her, he keeps one hand on her mouth and tries to unzip his pants with his left arm, he looks at her with crude hunger in her eyes, just that look makes her jump out of her own skin, out of her own mind, she doesn't want to see it.  
She doesn't want to be here, she is so tired, she starts to pray, for something, anything, she doesn't even realize she is now crying like a baby, she still tries to think about things to tell him so he'd let her go.  
But he doesn't stop for one second, his hands trying to get her legs open as she still refuses to brace herself for what's to come even if she doesn't know how to save herself now.  
She can now feel it against her thigh, as he is maneuvering to try to penetrate her, he let go of her mouth for a few seconds and uses one hand to restrain her arms, and the other to drive his penis into her; she screams like there's no tomorrow, she has no idea what she is saying, she is just screaming for someone to hear her.  
He pushes against her more forcefully and tries to hit her head against the floor so she is less combattant, but she keeps on fighting back and screaming no.  
And then her voice breaks mid-scream, after a couple of missed attempts, it's in her.   
The sheer brutality of the penetration knocks the wind out of her, she can't produce a single sound.  
Then he thrusts in her again, and again and again, each time breaking into her more forcefully than the time before.  
She doesn't know how to stop it, any of it, the pain is like nothing she has ever felt in her life.  
It doesn't stop, he just keeps on pushing onto her with all his weight, and she hopes he would just stop heaving like a pig, his sounds makes her want to shoot herself.  
Her whole body is under assault, it feels like she is gonna explode like in a horror movie, she doesn't even realize he is no longer holding onto her arms anymore, he just pushes against her torso, touching her breast and continuing his in-and-out motion making her sick.  
She needs to check out, it's something she knows to do, she doesn't have to be there for the whole of it, _just close your eyes so you can't remember, just think about anything else and don't remember... _____

____After what feels like a lifetime and a day she feels him retracting himself, she can't think, she can't move... at least her mind thinks that she can't, but as soon as he is no longer spread on her, her whole body takes over and starts crawling away on the floor to put as much distance as she can between their two bodies._ _ _ _

____She can hear him making some noises, wiping and zipping, but she can't look over to him, she just can't, she just wants him gone instantly.  
But as in a nightmare, he doesn't just disappear, he comes back to her, looks at her for a second, most of her body is badly bruised and she is half-naked, her hair completely undone and messy are tangled with her destroyed tank top and her shorts brought down her ankles._ _ _ _

____He kneels down, she jerks away from him " Please I... Please just go, I'm... I'm Ok..." she mumbles her hands raised in front of her between them so he doesn't get any closer. But he dismisses them like she was nothing, and take her face between his fingers, her whole body is violently shaking, and she tries with all her might not to look at him, but he makes her: “See there was no reason to put on a show, we both got what we wanted, now be a good girl go take a shower and sleep your day off, you look like shit" he let go off the face and add "Looks like you really went through it, good thing this is all over now", he takes his time to gather himself and slowly walks towards the front door and tells her “ I'm sure I don't actually have to tell you that there is no need for you to go tell this to anybody right? As you must know by now, girls like you... don't stand a chance against men like me”, he opens the door and continues,” You should really keep that gun of yours in a place easier to access “.  
With that, he is out of the door, and a few seconds later she hears a car leaving, this is when she breaks into a hysterical sobbing spell._ _ _ _


	3. The discovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jay and Hailey find Vanessa in a bad way. 
> 
> Warning: Still possibly very triggering.

Hailey was starting to feel like shit a little bit.  
It was well after midnight and she had failed Vanessa massively.  
They had been chasing ghosts after one of Jay CI's had flaunted information about a drug deal that panned out to lead to nothing. But Jay needed a backup and Hailey couldn't find it in her to tell him to grab someone else because she already had a commitment to Vanessa. It was supposed to be a quick detour and now Jay still had to drop her off to her own car so she could drive home.  
"It's super late, I can just drop you at your place and you can pick up your car tomorrow morning"  
"I wish, but then we have 0 car for tomorrow morning"  
"Forget that, I'll pick you guys up before work"  
She hated it when he was like that with her. It was too much caring sometimes. It was messing with her head.  
"You don't have to do that, you can just drop me to my car and you get extra sleep in the morning".  
But she knew he had already won since they were driving in the direction of her house now, which he confirmed in adding simply "No but I owe you that much for tagging along tonight... and if you still feel bad then coffee's on you."  
She knew he was right, it was late and she was a bit uneasy with the idea of letting Vanessa alone after the shooting from earlier.  
She had seemed very distraught and panicked during the few minutes where she couldn't find the gun, if she was still up she would take the time to see if she was in a talking mood, just to make sure she was ok. 

"Madame", Jay jokingly said with a bad french accent when they arrived at her place.  
" Thanks! Be safe! And see you tomorrow!" 

She quickly jogged the short distance from the driveway to the door, waiting to hear Jay's truck departure, but as she was going to open the door she noticed it was just a little bit ajar. A pang of panic went through her... there was no way 2 female cops living in a mixed-income neighborhood would ever leave a door open. Something was very wrong. She immediately took a step behind and reached for her gun, Jay who hadn't driven off yet, got out of his truck and looked at her with an inquisitive look.  
She threw him her keys, and without saying a word, she signed to him to go over the back door and she will go in and up the first floor.  
They both move in perfect silence and synchronization, when in the house their eyes briefly meet as she is climbing the stairs to the first floor and Jay is going in from the kitchen backdoor. 

But she is hardly upstairs trying to go through their bedrooms to conduct the clear when she hears Jay's voice calling her name :  
“Oh my god, Vanessa... Hailey! “  
Hailey against all cop training 101, doesn't even finish the whole floor and runs back down the stairs... something in Jay's voice... what if he found Vanessa dead... she can't even form a whole thought in her mind.

Jay was a soldier a lifetime ago, hell he is still a soldier now, because, well, Chicago, so he expects to see everything, all the time, he is always the first through a door, so he is used to seeing stuff first.  
Sure seeing dead kids isn't a thing anyone with a soul ever gets used to, but apart from that, nothing shocks him, he never misses a bit, he scans through a room and makes sure his mates are safe.  
But what he could never get used to is seeing his teammates being the ones savaged by monsters.  
And what he sees now, he can't really process.  


Vanessa was crouched by the kitchen counter, her hair partially hiding her face but he could see a purple bruise forming under her left eye and her lips were bloody, she was sitting in a weird position as if trying to hold herself but her left hand is hanging in a weird angle.  
He couldn't see if she was wearing anything and he was afraid she might be completely naked...  
What the fuck happened here?  
He could now hear Hailey breathing just behind him.  
Jay stores away his gun and starts walking to Vanessa and very carefully calls out her name “ Hey hey hey, Vanessa, Vanessa, it's us, it's Jay and Hailey, are you ok? “  
Vanessa, after a few seconds, looks at both Hailey and Jay and tries to crawl back a bit more into one of the counter corners, but slowly as if she was the one trying not to startle them, as if she moved quietly she would disappear into the background, Jay tries again: “ Vanessa I'm gonna come closer, yes? It's gonna be alright, don't worry ok”, he is now on his knees and focuses on maintaining eye contact with her, from this close she looks even more in a dire state than he could see before, she is indeed half-naked, her shredded top and shorts have a mix of blood and water on them. For a second there he can't move, and she doesn't either, they just stare at each other, but then when he tries to reach to her she shakes so violently it actually makes her let go of a knife she had in her right hand, but since she was a leftie Jay didn't really think she was holding something with her right hand which was partially hidden on her side. Jay grabs it very calmly, and throws it in the distance, and raises his hands to show that he means no harm, but stops approaching her, then turns to Hailey who still hasn't moved from her position, her gun still halfway pointing to nobody.  
“Hailey!” He calls out, she snaps out of her trance, “She needs you, Hails, I don't think I can get any closer.”  
His voice is cracking, he doesn't think he can deal with this, he feels overwhelmed, he needs Hailey to be here with him.  
Vanessa is just a kid to him, she is so small and so young and he can't keep looking at her in this state, he wants to help her, to grab her and hold her in his arms and make it all go away, but he knows she would hate it that he's seen her like this, all of them were like this, would it be Kim or Hailey, they all hated to be in a position of vulnerability in front of their male colleagues.

As he was about to go back and leave more room for Hailey to operate, at the last second he turns back slowly towards Vanessa, very carefully so he doesn't startle her again, he takes off his jacket and hold it out to her as she is continuously shaking, and also because he can't stand anymore the spectacle of bruised skin, and the mix of bile and blood running over her legs, but she wiggles away again, and whispers “ Please don't touch me,” her voice breaks and she adds another “Please”.  
With that, he walks back carefully and stands in front of Hailey.  
”Hails, Hails look at me, she won't let me get any closer, you need to check on her! She needs you, not me, and I'm calling it in ok ?”  
Hailey swallows hard and nods.

She walks towards Vanessa, and as she passes, Jay grabs her gun from her hand, she doesn't even look at him and she just walks to Vanessa.  
She kneels at a small distance, not wanting to send the girl into panic, and whispers her name gently “Vanessa, it's me, it's Hailey, I'm here, it's gonna be alright, I'm here now”, and their eyes meet and Vanessa breaks into massive soul breaking sobs and falls into Hailey's arms.  
And she cries, and she screams and her body quivers and breaks as she holds onto the blond cop as onto life itself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still dont know if this story makes sense but im still running with it.  
> Thanks for the hits and Kudos ! highly appreciated !


	4. The Lie.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanessa panics.  
> Hailey panics.  
> Jay is pissed.  
> Voight is being lied to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not even gonna pretend im good at emulating cop talk.  
> Just pretend shit make sense. 
> 
> Warning : Still covering topics of rape

Jay stares at the girls while Hailey tries to soothe Vanessa's cries. He needs to be doing something with himself, he actually should not be staring, Vanessa's was pretty much naked, much of her breasts were bare...He looks around and sees a tartan plaid on the couch and goes to grab it to cover her. He hands it to Hailey who murmurs:“ Honey, I'm gonna put this on you ok, you're freezing”, she can feel the brunette nod into her arms, she proceeds to put the cover on her shoulders, then “ Ok now do you think you can walk?" Vanessa nods again, “ Ok let's go sit on the couch alright? Jay is calling an ambulance they're gonna check you out” but before she's finished her sentence Vanessa cuts her “No, no, no, no, fuck no! No ambulance please, do not call anyone!” she is now looking a Hailey with urgency, her eyes puffy and red, traces of panic showing again in them.

Hailey looks at Jay, and Vanessa does the same, imploring with her eyes. Jay looks back at Hailey, and in a silent agreement decides to stash away his phone.  
“For now we can just... wait for a bit", Hailey continues, "Let's try and get you on that couch first”. But it turns out Vanessa couldn't really manage to stand up, let alone walk the small distance to the couch, after a failed attempt at standing up she falls back down, Hailey tries to catch her, just to fall in concert with her.

This looks like it was going to break the younger cop down again, and before she can even find the resolve to try again Jay swoops in and says “ I'm gonna help you stand ok ?" Now it's his turn to plead with his eyes, she stares back and nods a little bit, but says “ Can you help me upstairs, please? ...Bathroom...” again Hailey and Jay shoot a look at one another, they want to say no because... well it's gonna be an evidence mess, whatever happened here it was bad, they will have to call the team in, and the EMS and the forensics, and sooner rather than later.  
Trying to think about how to manage Vanessa's refusal, they each help her stand and start walking slowly to the stairs, she is struggling to stay on her feet and she is leaning heavily on Hailey's arm, trying to minimize contact with Jay.  
Finally making it to the steps, she breathes through the lump in her throat, each step sends a pang of pain all over her body, mostly on her lower abdomen, she feels like fainting.  
Focusing as hard as she can on her steps, she can block out the hands helping her stand through the soft fabric of the plaid.  
They are only a couple of steps in when she hears Jay with a hesitant voice “ I could... if you want... I could lift you up there? If that's OK with you ?” He looks at her like he is afraid she is going to crumble or scream or disappear into thin air, and she wants to scream _No! Fuck off! Don't touch me! Don't even look at me!_ , but she doesn't say anything, she just cowers a little bit onto Hailey, so he understands, and he doesn't lift her, and they keep on climbing the stairs ever so slowly.  
By the time they make it to the 1st floor, she is panting like she had run a sprint, her eyes are burning with repressed tears, she whispers a barely audible _Thank you_ not looking at either of them and stumbles in the bathroom that was still open from Hailey's check earlier.

She closes the door behind her.

Hailey and Jay stay looking at the closed door for a few seconds before they walk a few steps to put some distance between them and her and immediately Jay start whispering “ This is serious, we need to call in the team, right now! She needs medical attention.” While going through his phone to dial-up Voight's number. But Hailey mindlessly put her hand on his phone thinking hard. “Hailey?! “ he calls out blinking hard, "What..." very slowly she cuts him, “I don't know Jay, I mean yes she needs a medic, but let's give her a second... I need to think... let me at least warn her they are coming “ in her head, she was parsing through hundreds of scenarios, she was fighting away unwanted memories, which were coming back in little flashes, memories of her own battered and bloodied face and body.  
She wanted to give Vanessa a minute to realize what was going to happen now.  
But she couldn't focus on a single plan, how are things going to unfold from now on? All she knew is that whatever is going to happen now for her young partner is going to be incredibly painful and she would feel exposed and...  
Jay's touch startled her “ Sorry," he said letting go of her shoulder, "Hailey, I'm sorry, I don't even understand what you are saying. I'm calling it in, she needs help. Your flat is a crime scene, we can't just do nothing!" He was drumming in each of his sentences, wishing them to sound final. He wasn't going to argue for common sense.  
Still, not totally hearing him, the blonde replied “Give me a minute, I need to tell her first, she needs to know that this is happening, she needs to be prepared.... “ again her eyes were unfocused, she passed her hands through her hair, then her eyes trailed back to the bathroom door. And then something alarmed her, _water_ , the shower was running.  
“ Vanessa! Vanessa, Honey, I'm coming in!”, no answer, she looks at Jay and opens the door.

“Vanessa you can't be showering, oh Hon...” Vanessa is sitting in the shower tub, water raining on her.  
Hailey runs in and tries to stop the water, but Vanessa blocks her and pleads with a broken voice “ Please Hailey, I'm not doing it, I'm not, I can't. I have to make this go away, I can't, I can't..." her voice breaks completely but Hailey could still read on her lips that she still repeating endlessly _I can't_ like a litany.  
And Hailey understands and realizes at that moment that she is the best person to be here with her... and the worst at the same time.  
She knows, she understands what all of this entails. Vanessa was also a cop, they knew, and they wouldn't wish it on anyone.  
But at the same time, she couldn't let whoever did this get away with it, and they needed evidence for that.  
To bury him.

So she grabs Vanessa's hands and cups them between hers and look her straight into her eyes, and after a moment, “I know you don't want to, trust me, I know, but we need to call the ambulance, we need to call Voight, we need you to get checked out at Med and taken care of, I know this is all so unfair and I know it's painful but we have to do this.”  
“Please, please, please, don't make me do it, don't make me say it, please, you don't understand, I can't tell anyone!" now Vanessa was fully crying again, this time not trying to stop her tears, she was pleading for a bit of agency, even just a little crumb, to make her feel back in control, he had warned her and he had been crystal clear.

Hailey tries to think fast, very fast, for she cannot endure the crying, she was empathetic to her roommate's pleading, yet at the same time, there was no way she would forgive herself if Vanessa ever wanted to pursue this and couldn't because of her actions in these first minutes, so she tries “Hear me out, let's make a deal ok? I won't tell anyone, at least no one on the team, not now, but you have to stop showering now, and I will take you to Med to get checked ok? You won't have to do anything you don't want, but you can't wash away all the evidence now, but we can make it our secret for now”.  
For a second or maybe a whole minute they could only hear the shower still raining on them, now even Hailey was partially wet, but still, she hanged onto Vanessa's hands.  
The brunette was still shaking her head no, but the fight was gone from her, she didn't have enough energy anymore to stand against push back.  
So she barely nods yes, and Hailey rushes in and turns the water off, and one second later grabs a towel and helps her friend get out of the tub.  
They sit down side by side on the fluffy green carpet and stay silent for a moment. Both knowing what needed to come out now.  
“Who did this to you, Vanessa?"  
At the question, Vanessa's eyes shot wide open, and then she started shaking her head no, screwing up her face as not to cry anymore. She grabs the towel and bites it hard so she doesn't have to tell. The panicked reaction to her question left a very sour taste on Hailey's throat, for she couldn't yet substantiate anything, but her gut was saying Vanessa knew her attacker.  
She didn't like it. This was going to be fucking tough.

“Ok, ok that's alright babe, for now, you just sit here, I'm gonna tell Jay not to tell anything to anyone ok? We're gonna say you were in the shower when you heard someone downstairs, you hurried down but before you could reach your gun, the intruder pushed you, you fell and got into a fight with him, after a little while, he knocks you out and then ran away." She is making this up as she goes. It sounds stupid but so simple it could at least buy them tonight. Her only goal was to protect Vanessa's best interest now. By any means necessary.

“I'm gonna be right back ok? I'll be just out with Jay ok? 

“How is she??" Jay presses her as soon as she is out the door, “ I called the team and an ambo they're 10 minutes out."  
Hailey grabs his arm and pushes him further on the corridor and whispers harshly “ What did you tell them ??”  
“ What the fuck Hailey, the truth! We came in and found Vanessa hurt after what looks like a brutal assault.” 

Hailey breathes a little more easily “ What else? Did you describe her injuries? What exactly did you say?" Now Jay was starting to look very irritated, and retorts “ Exactly what I just told you ?!" He exhales and adds “What are you saying, Hailey??”  
“ Nothing, just..." she looks for her words... how can she make him understand? Jay was one of the most righteous and stubborn people she's ever met, he will never go for it. "I'll explain later but just don't say anything about how we actually found her ok?" she put a lot of emphasis on _how_ ; she hoped he understood that she meant not to tell everyone she was very bloodied and pretty much naked.

Jay looks at her completely bewildered like she wasn't even speaking English.  
“What? Why?"  
“Look, I found her showering..." Hailey was massaging her temples. "She doesn't want to do the whole assault thing so I left her an out, for now."  
Now Jay looks at her as if she had completely lost her mind, and this time he is the one who grabs her and leads her even further away from the bathroom and nearly shouts “And why the fuck would you do that? Are you even thinking? She needs to tell us what happened SO we can help her! That's our job! Literally our jobs, we are the police! We can't lie about assaults!” 

“ _WE_ , are not lying about the assault, she just can't do this right now, so we are going to help her deal with it the best way we can right now ok?"  
Jay let go of her and looks at her with something like a mix of fear and anger and says “She's not you, you know? She can't be you, there has to be a better way."

But just as she was about to spit out her answer, even though she had no comeback for what he's just told her, they heard some noise downstairs followed by a voice she would recognize anywhere in the world.  
She shot a killer look at Jay and outruns him downstairs to meet with the rest of their team.

“ Upton?!" Voight is standing by the stairs while Kim, Kevin, and Adam are clearing the floor.

“Sarge", she simply answers, and Jay right behind her salutes their sergeant the same way, "Are you alright?"  
“Yes we are", and without looking at Jay, while Kim and Kevin were also greeting them, she continues, “Halstead and I arrived at my place around 00:30 and found the door open, we divided the search, I went in from the front and went to clear the first floor, and Jay went in from the back door onto the kitchen, we could see clear signs of struggles and then Jay found Vanessa hurt on the floor, after what seemed to be a struggle with an unknown offender, she is hurt and shaken but she will be alright, she is upstairs resting right now."

She shot out the answer like she had rehearsed it when she hadn't, it all came out naturally, she knew this was the right version to tell, it was basically the truth.  
“ How is she? Where is the ambo ?”  
“ Honestly I thought they would beat you to it, Sarge.” Jay answers.

“ Ok I need to talk to Vanessa before they check her, anything she can give us will give us an edge to look for that bastard who thought it was clever to come into this home today.”

“I'll get her" she replied quickly, afraid someone else would volunteer, she needed to go and prepare her and soften the blow of seeing everyone at once in the house.  
While she's about to climb back upstairs, she looks furtively in Jay's direction, their eyes meet for a second, she can see the hesitation there but after a long second, he doesn't add anything. 

When she arrives up she can see that the bathroom is now empty and finds Vanessa in her bedroom, dressed with a black hoodie and a mismatching pair of sweatpants, barefooted sitting on her bed and looking in the void, afraid to startle her she whispers softly “ Hey girl, the team, they're here ok? Voight wants to talk to you."

Vanessa turns her head slowly and looks at her and nods, she goes to help her stand up, and adds “ I told them what I said we would say, an unknown offender was in the house, you fought him and he got away" waiting for Vanessa to approve she gives the girl a second to nod, then adds “But the ambo is gonna be here soon too; You have to know that whatever we say, they will drive you to the hospital, so the best is not to fight it, we will go, but ill stay with you ok?” She was talking to her roommate as if she was a twelve years old victim at one of their crime scenes, but Vanessa wasn't very combattant anymore, she just nods to everything, lost in her own trail of thoughts, and follows Hailey's lead back to the world downstairs.

A weird silence is echoing in Vanessa's mind. She is starting to realize that whatever the future holds for her, it's starting now, after this there will be no way back to life before, whatever happens. She dries her tears one last time and thinks to herself: _Time to put on a show, girl._

What happens next, she won't ever exactly remember.  
The team fretting over her, Kim hugging her with one arm, and getting her wet hair out of her face, she smiles at Kevin and Adam, they wince at her bruised face, while she tries not to look at Jay, she can hear them talk but doesn't understand what they're saying, she needs to concentrate on her lie, and the more she volunteers to say, the less they will have to ask and the less chance for her to just break down in a thousand pieces.  
Pieces of truth too.

So when the others start to divide between them the evidence collection, she lets her Sergeant lead her to a quiet spot near the tv set, Hailey feigns to leave them some space but follows closely.  
“How are you kid? Alright?" she winces, he gave her a question with an answer, so all she has to say is “ Yes Sarge, I'm alright, just a bit stunned, and bruised.”  
“ Upton says they found you after what appears to be a struggle right?" Again she exhales, another question with an answer.  
But she needed to be careful, she has seen Voight being a master at interrogating people, at making them contradict themselves with offering answers people were relieved to agree with. She needed to be more careful, she needed to craft her own answers or he will see right through her.  
“ Yes, so I came back home around 11 something, I was beat so I just stored away my gun in the safe and went straight for a shower, while I'm upstairs I can hear some noise downstairs, I call out to Hailey thinking she was home, but getting no answers, I decide to go and check and then a hooded man jumps me, I try to get away to retrieve my gun, but he was fucking fast and wouldn't let go of me, we fought on the floor over there", she points in the direction of the kitchen, but doesn't look herself," and after a few minutes of struggle, he punches me on the face and I lose consciousness for less than a second, he takes his chance and runs to leave through the front door. “ She stops her tale and tries to steady her voice, and studies Voights face, she can't say if he believes her, then she looks to Hailey who was standing just a foot behind him and adds “Humm... After a while, I don't know exactly how much, Hailey and Jay come in, Jay is the first to find me and then he called the team in,” she concludes trying to look resolved and final.  
“ Did you see his face? Anything recognizable?”  
“ No", she answers slowly, pretending to think but the answers come out too fast anyway,  
“ Did he have a getaway car? Or an accomplice? “  
“ I don't know, I mean sure he had a car I think, I heard a car racing away a few minutes after he knocked me down."  
"Did he say something? What did he want? “  
"No, nothing, I think it was just a burglary, and maybe the guy had no idea we were police and he bolted when he saw someone was home."  
"You mean first he attacked you.”

Vanessa could hardly swallow, or think, or breathe or see.  
Her vision was starting to blur and she tried to find Hailey to find something to focus on.

Voight looks to her and follows her eyes going to Hailey every few seconds, he can see something is going on but for now, can't put his finger on it.  
Of course, something in this story rings false. And he didn't like it one bit, whatever the reason, she was lying about something, still, someone out there was feeling ballsy enough to attack off-duty officers in their own home.  
That was as bad as it gets.

“Yes, he bolted after we had the fight.” 

“ We could maybe now starts to have a look at you ?” Brett's soft voice popped their little interrogation bubble, just when it was starting to be impossible for her to breathe.  
The first responder was looking at her as if she was going to break, and not waiting for Voights approval, she added "You look very pale, we should take your tension and have you checked out for a concussion ok?"

“Please take good care of her", the Sergeant answered with a kind smile, "She's been through it today”.

And all of a sudden it all came back to Vanessa, she had shot a man nearly to death just a few hours prior, that's what got her in this position in the first place.  
She couldn't breathe, she was going to puke again, or maybe her heart is just going to stop here and now, but as she was feeling like she was falling, Brett and Foster's steady but soothing hands caught her before her knees gave in.

“Let's walk you back to the ambo first, we'll check your tension, heartbeat, and lungs and look for any worrying wounds ok?" Foster listed the next steps to her while gently leading them outside.

The whole team started to follow to see her off, Voight right behind them, wanting to make sure his newest recruit was getting the best care.

“Are you out of your fucking mind? How is she going to take this back” Jay was pissed beyond words, he was walking just a few steps behind Hailey and whispering to her “ Voight is gonna make your life a living hell for having lied to him, Hailey there's still time to fix it. Now!" This time she wasn't gonna let him talk to her like that, she shot a quick glance around her, and stopped walking abruptly making Jay nearly bump into her and turned back and said "You have no idea what you're talking about, I don't care about this job being done right, I care about my friend not having to go through hell once again." Then she said under her breath, "Just give her some time, we're gonna fix this, all of it.” Only, of course, she had no idea how this could ever be fixed.  
"Trying to convince me or yourself?" he shot at her before he rushed outside too, and this is when her eyes met with Kim's who was hidden by Jay's frame the whole time, she tried to half-smile at her not sure what her colleague had heard, and both of them followed the rest of the team out.

“One last question before I let you drive her, why do you presume the intruder thought the house was empty? How do you know he wasn't here for you? Or Hailey?”  
Vanessa was exhausted over words, she had no idea what even was the question, how would one know when a house is empty, _how do people usually know?_  
“ The car... there was no car on the driveway, when I came home I just went up and didn't even bother getting the lights, I think... yes I think that's why he wouldn't know someone was home from outside." She wanted to high-five herself, but before she could linger on her small victory, Voight added "Then, how did you get home?"  
The thought of the ride home came back crashing to her as if she was watching tv, a neat 2D image, as if it was someone else in that car, so long ago.  
Her mouth had completely dried when she tried for an elusive lie, “ Someone from HQ drove me home after my statement.”

That gave pause to Voight, that was not something that happened every day.  
Yet he doesn't say anything, after a while he says, "We will follow you to the hospital, make sure you're golden kid”, and before Hailey can squeeze herself between her colleague's bodies to climb in the ambo, Voight adds without even turning to face her "Hailey you ride with me.“ The blonde cop is totally taken aback, she doesn't even take time to compose herself and nearly shouts her reply “ But Sarge she is my partner! My roommate !”, He cuts her dryly, "Can't remember asking you a question Upton, you ride with me." Hailey shots a glance at Vanessa, trying to convey sorry with her eyes, then turns to Jay thinking he was going to climb up with her, but its Kim who actually jumps on the window and says “ I'm gonna ride with her ok ?" she presses softly Hailey's arm as they cross path.

Hailey inhales, she needs to worry about herself right now, she wasn't estranged to Voight's interrogation tactics. He was highly suspicious of volunteered details, he liked to fight for answers, in his mind they were more trustworthy.  
One could say he was generally not prone to believe anyone, even his own people. 

If she can weather this, then maybe she had a chance to make it to tomorrow and strategize with a clear mind.


	5. The ride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They ride to the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a filler chapter, to rest your eyes before the giga long one that's following.
> 
> Again thank you for reading!

Long before she was allowed to know, she _knew_.  
At least she heavily suspected it, but she wasn't gonna show or say anything. Not now. Not needed.  
But as Kim was observing her young colleague with an alert gaze, she wondered what was it she needed when it has been her in states like this.  
It had happened so many times now, her ending up very hurt in an ambulance because of her work on the beat and undercover too, she had been beaten to an inch of her life several times. The thought sent a small shiver through her body, she avoided lingering on those memories.  
Every time the group had tightened around her as they did when one of them was in a dire spot, but she couldn't shake the sentiment of feeling too broken and too exposed.  
Yes they called each other family, yes they showed up for each other all the time, but there was a like a secret code between the women of Intelligence, a sort of _never let them see you sweat_. Like _really_ sweat.  
So assault after assault they would come back the next day, black and blue and biting through the pain, refraining from being too jumpy in the bullpen, and battling the PTSD of going under again.  
Nobody ever talked about it, it wasn't needed.  
So she knew Vanessa would hate it too, people inquiring over her well-being, and even though she couldn't say she knew the young woman very well, she knew she's had a tough childhood and presumed she would resent being treated like a fragile thing.  
  
"It looks worse than it feels", Vanessa croaked in a low voice, interrupting Kim's stream of thoughts, she didn't realize she was staring the whole time, "I'm sure it does, but still we want you fixed and back on your feet as soon as possible!" She decides to humor her and play that little game, then wanting to comfort her a little, extend a hand to hold Vaness's, but the other woman flinches and Kim quickly apologizes " I'm so sorry! I should have asked!" 

Vanessa was trying so hard to keep it together, to focus on Brett administering her first aid, and fretting quietly around her, not to focus on Kim so she doesn't have to talk to her. Focus on not breaking down, focus on getting in and out of Med without fuss. Focus on not saying the wrong thing. Focus on saying the right thing... She had so much to do, but she couldn't actually focus because she could feel Kim staring, so hard it felt nearly physical. So she decided to address it, which she regretted dearly, her jaw was hurting, just talking and trying to smile was coming with a steep price to pay. 

"No it's alright, it just...I hurt my wrist during the fight" she reassures Kim as she nurses her left hand on her belly. 

The whole ride is torture, every single turns and stops remind her how much her body is broken, the pain would come and interrupt everything she was trying to put together on her mind to make it through the next hour, it shouldn't even be that difficult it wasn't exactly the first time she had been in a terrible position and had to lie about details. The only difference is before she was just a kid and now she was grown, she should be able to maintain the story being crafted. 

Her immediate future depended on it. 

“Now we're gonna get you a doctor to look at you a bit more closely", announced Emily when they parked in front of the ER at Med. Kim jumped out of the back to make more space for Foster and Brett to wheel her out of the ambo. 

"It's gonna be alright sweety" added Brett and Vanessa tries to smile to reassure them, but her face can't conjure a convincing smile, she isn't really with them, she starts immediately to look around for Hailey, but she can only see Adam and Kevin's car pulling up, and Jay was being met by his brother Will on the parking lot.  
She frowned a bit and felt panic rising again, she needed Hailey to be there with her, she needed her to help advocate for her, to throw away suspicion, and help her get treated without having to undergo a rape kit.  


~~~

Against all her expectations, the ride with Voight was surprisingly quiet. Actually, he didn't even say a word to her until they arrived.  
They park on the lot a little further away from the rest of their squad's cars, and just as Hailey is about to get out of the car, she hears “ Hold up there Upton,” she freezes in the middle of her movement and sits back down, "I'm not gonna ask you twice, so I need you to think before you answer me." He leaves her a second to compute what he is getting at, then continues, "I need to know, the story Vanessa told us is what you know to be true right? And before you set anything in stone, know that I will be talking to Jay too, will he confirm your version? “ Hailey knows when she is cornered, Voight had a way of seeing right through her bullshit, and lately she was being put on a very short leash... she needed to be fucking careful...so instead of blatantly lying she goes with the same half-baked story.  
"There are things I can't tell you myself because I wasn't there... therefore not my place to say. All I know for a fact is an unidentified offender broke into our house, attacked Rojas, and left before Jay and I made it home, that's all I know and that's what I told you too. Until we get more details I'm not setting anything in stone." She holds her breath, never knowing how Voight may react to anything she says.  
After observing her for a short while, he only adds "Ok. You can go... but sometimes...sometimes I feel like you people do not realize I've been doing this a long time... your whole life really. “  
With that somewhat chilly sentence, Hailey gets out of the car and it takes everything she got not to run to the hospital, she walks grimly through the parking lot hearing Voight's footsteps right behind her.


	6. The hospital.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're at the hospital, and Vanessa pushes through her limits.  
> Lest she breaks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its a very long chapter and I have to warn again for heavy mention of rape/sexual assault.  
> Tread carefully.
> 
> I dont watch MED so I have only a vague idea of who does what so please bear with my approximation, and my medical talk is like my cop talk >> meh.  
> Anyway I hope you enjoy the torture.

When Hailey enters the main hall she tries to locate Vanessa or even Kim, but she can't find any of them, she walks up to a nurse to ask for Vanessa's room but she is cut by Jay who appears from nowhere and gently orients her away to talk privately. 

“I talked to my brother and told him to stall a little bit so you have time to get here, and before you ask, no I didn't tell him why, but I think we really have to think this through now, we have to come clean to the medical staff, at least for the evidence collection, we won't have a second chance at that..." Jay was trying to get all his emotions in check to negotiate with his partner without getting emotional, he was beyond exasperated and couldn't figure out if he was closer to punch a wall or cry.

Hailey was observing him, for a minute there, she felt like fighting him, like physically, she was mentally strained, it seems like nobody was leaving her a second to think, she is stretched so thin she feels like she was going to pop at the tiniest annoyance. But deep down, she understands what Jay means, he means well. He always ever means well, so that's what she goes with.

"Jay, I know you mean well, but there is no "we" in this situation, there is only what Vanessa wants and needs, and what we can do to help her achieve that, I will talk to her and help her understand her choices but I'm not pressuring her either way and you need to make peace with that." 

Jay exhales and they just stare at each other for a moment, he feels like whatever connection they naturally have, is breaking right now, maybe forever. He hated that, feeling like he was an annoyance to her as if he was the one being unreasonable.

"What did Voight want?" he asks without transition, he hopes to talk about Voight would redirect Hailey's irritation towards another person "Did he suspect something?"  
"Not really... I mean hell, I don't know he asked me if the story we're telling is true, said he would ask you too..."  
Jay wanted to tell her we couldn't promise her to lie, but decided for another revelation instead, if she was going to be pissed at him better to get in front of it now.  
"Look, I don't want you to freak out but I grabbed the clothes she was wearing when we found her, I bagged them and I intend to submit them for DNA collection. And please before you fight me on this too, we can always submit these things with a bogus case number or as an anonymous file." He was pleading with his eyes, fighting the tears threatening to drop, and then, she couldn't find the strength to refuse him.  
"I'm not fighting you, this has nothing to do with you or me..." she wishes she could hug him to show she wasn't really pissed at him, but instead she gives him something he needs more right now, a small victory "But I hear you and we can run the clothes for DNA, see what comes up, if it comes clean then we don't talk about it anymore, Ok?"  
Jay hesitates, but then acquiesces and with just a tilt of his head, signals the end of their little side-bar and leads her to the exam room where Vanessa was being treated. 

In the room she sees both Kim and Vanessa sitting at the edge of the bed in silence, and on the other side of the room, Will and Maggie are talking in low voices.

“Hey", she says as she approaches her two squad-mates, "How are you feeling?" she asks automatically.  
"Hum good, feeling better." Vanessa answers without really looking up.  
Kim simply smiles to her, and before she can say anything, Hailey asks without really asking "Would you mind giving us a minute, please?" Kim always diplomatic answers with the affirmative but leaves the room with a reluctant look on her face.  
Then Hailey turns her attention to the medics behind her and goes with a blatant lie,  
“ Will, Jay wants to have a word with you, he is right outside" she adds to get rid of him too, he will soon realize that that wasn't true, and she could care less. The brothers will figure it out. 

He exchanges a cryptic look with Maggie and then heads out too. 

She doesn't know what to do with the head-nurse and decides that right now she will need to risk it because she was one person she knew she could trust with not being invasive right now, but Maggie understands their need for privacy and disappears behind a curtain and pretends to be busy with supplies for her tray.  
Hailey having replaced Kim at Vanessa's sides slides her hand in Vanessa's and inhales deeply,  
“ Vanessa, you know now it's time for you to tell me what happened, you need to tell me what this person did to you. I can see it but you know I need to hear it. I'm so sorry it has to be this way, but you need to be strong for me ok ?” Vanessa starts to shake her head left and right, she pushed the thought away for the last couple of hours, she doesn't want to think about it, she doesn't want to talk about it, she doesn't want to say it. She's made her decision and she thought Hailey had understood, this wasn't going to be that neat little incident in her life, where she goes through every hoops the system lays in front of her, for once she is making a decision for herself, she is not going to lay there and watch the whole world look at her destruction.  
All she has to do is clench her teeth, and let them check her and fix her very likely broken wrist and bruised face, get some Ibu, and call it a day.  
She knows if she opens her mouth she is gonna cry and there is no way she can stop now if that happens. 

“ We need to know so we can help you the best we can, Maggie and I here are the only ones who need to know right now.”  
Her breathing is getting very uneven, she is hyperventilating, her vision narrows, she realizes that she doesn't have enough strength to fight back Hailey constant assault of care and kindness, she wants to lie but she can't find the lies... so she opens her mouth to let go of a silent wailing before blurting “I don't want to, I don't want to Hailey, don't make me, please. Nothing happened...I already told you! I swear...I'm not … I can't". And then she breaks into violent sobs again. Her voice breaks so much that most of the crying is hauntingly silent.  
Hailey holds her, she holds her tightly, she whispers things in her ears, she reassures her, and focuses like hell on her younger friend because if she doesn't she will break herself.  
And when she thought she'd lost that battle she can hear Vanessa trying to get something out,  
“I, I … I can't say it" she gasps, eyes wide open realizing that as long as she doesn't say it, it's still a concept, a thing that happens to people, people she knew, a thing that she narrowly escaped so many times before, so long ago, she can even hear clearly echoing in her head the voice of one of the foster mom, a very religious old lady who used to say: "Words have power, if you say something out loud, then you're willing it into the world", so it made no sense to her to say it out loud.  
Truths can exists without ever being said loudly.

"Vanessa, honey, look at me, were you raped?" As soon as she says it, Hailey hopes for a split second that the answer will be no, maybe she got it wrong, maybe she was doing too much projecting... but that was childish wishful thinking when in an exhale she hears the younger woman letting out with a whisper " Yes, I... I... yes".

This time both Maggie and Hailey are there to collect her between their arms when she crumbles again, the nurse silently made her way back stands closer to them, knowing when she is needed is a talent she was born with. She gently leads Vanessa from her sitting position to lay her down on the bed to give her some oxygen, the young girl was having a full-blown panic attack.  
"Sweety you're alright. You already survived this, you're gonna make it to the other side I promise. But for now, you need our help ok? We have to check you out and collect some physical evidence. Do you understand?” again without uttering a word or looking at her, eyes fixated on the ceiling Vanessa finally nods her ok for the rape-kit.

Will had left the room and left the little group of a few minutes to let them conspire what they needed to conspire. He knew Jay wasn't looking for him since they had talked a few minutes before, but he was polite enough to pretend to believe it. But eventually, he still had a job to do, and he had a hurt patient to look after, so after a couple more minutes he knocks back on the door and enters the room again “ Maggie how was the preliminary check? What do you say, should we get her to CT scan? Or should we call in Ortho for the broken wrist?”, he tried as hard as he could to sound casual, but his reappearance has sent the young cop on the bed on an episode of panicked breathing.  
Maggie drops whatever she was doing and signs to him to meet outside the room “ Can you get me, Natalie, instead, and maybe have April on stand-by please?” Will looks at her with surprise and quickly obliges without discussion, he knows not to argue with Maggie, not when she is in this aggravated state.  
He still adds " Will we talk about this at some point or ?"  
She just looks at him with a sad look and says that she doesn't know that right now.

When _it_ starts, fight has left Vanessa's body, she knows to survive this, she will have to detach a bit, hell, to detach a lot. She was used to it, her whole life has been a long stretch of detachment to survive.  
Do not get close to anyone, to anything, do not cherish belonging or places, or people... keep to yourself, and you'll live to see another day.  
That was her rule book, as unfair as it was, it had helped her thus far. Being so resilient that you don't let daily unpleasantness disturb the course of your life. Lately, it had helped her become a good cop; she doesn't get phased by ugliness.  
She is a survivor, and survivors survive.  
She needed to hold onto that, she won't be the first nor the last, she remembers the secret talks whenever she was moved to a new group home, all the kids had to know how to survive predation, how to endure the amount of touching that was impossible to avoid at one point or another. Girls had to learn how to transform unwanted attention into the mildest assault possible. Don't let them put _it_ in you, because as traumatic as rape was, the real implied consequence was being pimped out to the whole neighborhood. Vanessa had seen this scenario unfolding plenty of times.  
She very much doubted the women around her had any idea how that life was really like.  
Now she was on a new mission, her whole life has prepared her for this moment, she still didn't want to disclose to her team and have them investigate this, this couldn't happen. But right now she just needed the exam to be done, then maybe she would be able to move on.

“Do you need me to stay or to go ?” Hailey's voice broke her out of her haunting thoughts, she looked at the blonde, who was looking at her with her signature mommy face, like she was nursing a small child.

She shot a quick glance around the room, it was now overcrowded with people, at least she felt overcrowded. April was the first one to join them, and then Natalie has arrived too. Maggie was giving them a short briefing on the case, they were looking at her with a mix of seriousness and softness that made her feel nauseous, now Natalie was talking to her with what she assumed was a reassuring tone, but she could only see lips moving. 

Her eyes trailed back to Hailey and even though she couldn't find it in her to answer, she extended her valid hand to grab hers and squeezed it hard. She needed her to stay.  
And then it began.

"Are you ready?" Maggie's voice asks but Vanessa doesn't answer.  
The nurse tries again, "Were you wearing this during the assault?” this time Vanessa shakes her head no.  
“I'm sorry sweety you will have to say it out loud, Hailey is here as your friend but also as a police officer, whether you decide to pursue this or not it's up to you, but that's protocol, you need to answer the questions out loud, do you understand? “ Vanessa nods then answers “Yes, I understand”.  
Very gently Maggie asks again “Were you wearing this tonight ?”, “ No", she answers softly, “Ok we will still bag them, there may be transfers of DNA on it".

While Maggie goes through the questions, April gently leads her behind the curtain so she can take off her clothes and give her a paper gown to formally start the exam.  
First, they have her stand still for a moment while they take pictures of her bruises.  
It looks bad, and she can't remember most of the hits, the one on her back she remembers, her purple left wrist also, most of the rest she can't remember how they happened.  
She can't remember how long it took anyway. 5 minutes ? 2 hours? She couldn't tell.

After the pictures, she has to lay on the examination bed, and while Maggie still asks some questions as they go through the steps, April is now drawing up some blood, and Natalie prepares a tray with all the swabs and gynecological tools. 

Vanessa tries to avoid all eye contact for a while and continues to answer with apathy.  
But some questions are just too hard to answer, so when that happens she just looks straight into Maggie's eyes and shakes her head.  
The Head-Nurse says that's alright, that she will have a chance later to give more details.  
To remember better.  
Of course, Vanessa hopes she won't.

She prays it ends soon, their academy class about sexual assault was quite poor, but she remembers well the steps of the rape kit.  
The questions, the photos, the swabbing, the DNA collecting under the fingernails and hairs, and the anal and vaginal examination. It's all a lot longer than she thought it would be.  
Now Maggie has finished with the questioning. The three women were operating silently, in perfect sync.  
Natalie describes to her every single step she is taking, so she has time to picture it and prepare herself for the intrusiveness of it all.  
“Now I'm going to swab the genital area for fluids”, this is when Vanessa's body tensed, and she blurts out “ But I took a shower! I took a shower after, I'm sorry but I ....“ she starts hyperventilating again, she was squeezing Hailey's hand very hard, and looking at her as if she could fix it for her.  
“That's alright honey, even if you took a shower there might still be traces, don't worry about that now, ok, breathe, we're nearly through”.  
The 3 medical women looked at one another, knowing too well that a shower might render completely useless the whole exercise.  
But they needed her calm to finish, and honestly, they may be lucky and still collect something, hair or semen, something that could help nail the son of a bitch who attacked the young officer.

“Ok so now I'm gonna need you to breathe very deeply, I'm going in to do the pelvic exam so I can assess how much damage you sustained there ok?"  
At this point, she really thought she was prepared for it but turns out she wasn't.  
Turns out nobody ever is, her body starts trembling violently, she can't control it, she won't have anyone or anything probe in there.  
The way it hurts, she doesn't think she will be able to.  
It feels so swollen and raw. She is again in a state of restlessness, she can't process her surroundings. She can't hear what they're telling her, she retracts her legs and sits up, and tries to gather her knees to her chest to gather herself.  
After a few minutes, Hailey decides it safe enough to come closer, and sits on the bed beside her and again whispers things to her ear to calm her down.  
While she does it, April comes up too and offers "We're so close now...But look, I can give you a mild sedative so you don't have to feel it all? It's gonna take a minute and you will feel relaxed. And then we will be done. It's 5 more minutes.”  
Vanessa starts to calm down, she holds onto Hailey and can't keep her eyes off of her, Hailey nods yes with pleading eyes, and finally, she lays back to the intended position for the pelvic exam, presses Hailey's hand harder than she ever did and closes her eyes.

When it's all over after the medical team is done cleaning up the table, and Vanessa is allowed to go behind the curtain to change back into fresh sweats, Hailey gathers Maggie, Natalie, and April and silently reminds them the terms of this examination. Only Hailey would collect the evidence bags who were now labeled with made-up initials. As far as anyone else knew they did a classic fix up and send off.  
That part was actually the only contentious point, they just couldn't make peace with the idea of releasing the young woman that same night, but Vanessa had flipped at the idea of staying there the night, and after all she went through nobody had found in them to force her to do yet another thing she didn't want to.

After a few minutes, Vanessa is done changing, and after a couple of failed tentatives, requests Hailey's help to tie her hair down on a loose ponytail. When that's done she immediately pulls the hood of her shirt all the way down under her eyebrows. She can still feel people staring, but this at least gives her a sense of protection.  
"You did so well..." Hailey starts but her voice breaks, she can't speak anymore, her own body so tensed she feels like she was about to snap into a thousand pieces. Everything she's been bottling up till now was menacing to break free.  
So now it's Vanessa's turn to comfort Hailey as she brings her into a tight hug. She doesn't want Hailey picking up on her wavering look, already regretting having agreed to do all of it in the first place.

The last thing they needed to do was bandaging her left arm, which wasn't broken after all but heavily bruised.  
April announces that it would take her another five minutes to finish that.  
Hailey decides she will use this time to get some air and gather herself before facing the rest of the squad who was no-doubt still waiting for them.  
Her brain is still working overtime, she doesn't know how long they will be able to keep up this charade.  
She hoped Vanessa will come around soon, but she wasn't so sure about that.  
Herself has been hurt on the job years ago while working with her previous squad and she's never told anyone how bad it got, not then, and still, not now, only Jay had succeeded in breaking through because he had looked where he wasn't supposed to.

“How is she?” Kim went up to her as soon as she entered the waiting area.  
“She is ok... they're actually discharging her tonight.”  
“Good" answers Voight, "But both of you cannot go back to your flat, it's under wrap for the forensics team.”  
“Fuck! I didn't even think about that" answers Hailey passing her hands through her hair.  
“You can stay with me tonight, I have a spare room and tons of clothes.” Offers Kim cheerfully. She doesn't want anyone else to beat her to it.  
All the guys were also offering their extra bedrooms and couches, but she already knew she had the best prospect.  
"Thank you, Kim" Hailey simply answers, too exhausted to drag this discussion. 

“Ok, now that's settled" Voigt turned to the whole team who was now gathered around him, "I'm expecting all of you sharp tomorrow, its gonna be a short night, maybe several...but none of us are getting any meaningful rest until we catch that prick."  
Before Voight finished with his short send-off, Vanessa accompanied by Maggie appeared through the door, holding a bag of medication with her right hand, her left one freshly bandaged.  
“ We are releasing her under your care" starts Maggie, "She has no life-threatening wounds so if she feels more comfortable at home there is no reason for us to keep her here” announced the nurse, trying to sound light and casual like it was just a routine call.  
But she was looking into Hailey's eyes to show her she was still playing the part, and that she was releasing Vanessa against her best judgment, but of course, the young woman refused to stay.

“ Thank you, thank you so much, and please let Natalie and April know too”.  
To anyone not paying attention this seemed like a normal polite conversation between professionals, but what Hailey was thanking their team for, is for lying to everyone to protect Vanessa.  
“But of course, don't mention it.”  
After the doctor was gone the team rounded around Vanessa to express their relief.  
"I'm so happy to see you ready to kick it!” shouts Adam when he levels with her.  
“Good to see you on your feet already” adds Kevin with a little fist bump on her shoulder.  
Bracing for contact Vanessa barely flinches back and even tries a smile “Thank you guys you really didn't have to stay all this time!" She tries to keep an upbeat voice, "You heard the doctor, I'm good to go, and you all need to go home now! Sarge tell them!"

“We're off now Kid, but we needed to make sure you were alright", answered Voight with a low voice and a reassuring smile, "How long will have the cast on ?"  
“ A week, renewable if it feels some kind of way by then”.

“ Good, take the time off, but you will have to come by rather soon, we still need to gather your testimony and have a look at the forensics, we're not stopping until we find this guy I promise” and then turning to the rest of the team “We don't know what this is yet, everybody sleeps with their gun bedside tonight, copy?”  
“Copy sarge,” they say in unison.

Vanessa just nods and smiles, she doesn't feel so bad anymore, the sedative she was given is helping a lot in that regard. She prepares for more touching as the guys all say goodbye, but at last, when she thinks she is done with the pretending, Kim approaches her and says “We're gonna be roommates for a lil while! At least a good thing in a sea of shit right?" an inquisitive look flashes through her eyes, she looks at Hailey who answers the silent question “It's just for a little while, the house is still under... investigation, and I thought we could be more comfortable at Kim's but if you prefer another accommodation I'm sure we can think of something?” Hailey tried to convey so much softness in her sentence, but in reality, she can't think of any alternative; and it must have worked because Vanessa just offers a smile and says “Thank you so much, you really didn't have to... we won't stay in your space too long" to which Kim answered "Don't be silly, I was always a bit jealous of you guys! Being Intelligence roommies !" She offers her arm and leads both girls outside " Come, we can take my car".


	7. At Kim's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a pajama's party for the girls of Intelligence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No it's still not fun, it's depressing as fuck, still triggering, but the story slowly moves on.  
> I'm forever humbled with the kudos and hope you really enjoy this story. Even in its darkness.

"Home sweet home girls! “ Kim announced after they made it to her door, with a slow and careful pace to level with Vanessa.  
"Thank you" both Hailey and Vanessa answered.

Kim showed Hailey and Vanessa's the guest room they would be occupying, usually where her sister and niece would crash when they're in town visiting.  
After a few minutes of getting settled, Vanessa asks for a shower and disappears for some time in the bathroom.  
During that time their hosts put out a whole selection of pajama tops, and bottoms and sorted out coffee and cups for the next morning which would be coming too soon. 

"Thanks again Kim you have no idea how helpful you've been, this day has been a neverending nightmare”.  
Kim stops in the middle of getting the living room lights out and observes Hailey for a moment and says "You really don't have to thank me, you would do the same for me, for any of us.”  
They look at each other intently, they've been through some shit together so she knows for a fact what she is saying holds true.  
"Let's wrap this day up, if you guys need anything just come over and let me know" she added yawning while upholstering her gun and taking it into her room.  
Then before Hailey walks the small distance to her room, Kim adds“... or if you need to talk, about anything at all”.

In the bathroom Vanessa couldn't hear what was happening with her two colleagues, she hoped they were in bed now so she wouldn't have to talk with anyone anymore.  
She was out of her third shower in the last 5 hours or so, and while she thought she needed to be dropped in a tub of bleach and be forcefully cleaned by a giant loofa, it turned out she couldn't even find the strength to touch her own body long enough for that. She felt disgusted, no, more like disconnected to her own body, it was nothing like she expected this to feel like, there was no scrubbing her skin raw, she just felt very much out of her body and she decided it was an okay feeling to her, considering.

When she comes out of the bathroom Hailey was sitting in the bed contemplating her gun bedside with a hollow gaze, "Hails, I'm done, the bathroom's free".  
Her presence broke Hailey out of her reverie and she gets up and goes to the bathroom without a word.

She wanted to talk to Vanessa, to reassure her, to say something, but she had no more energy, and she didn't want to break down in front of her, and also she really didn't know what to tell her.  
She needs to drown her sorrows under scalding hot water and cry.

After her turn in the shower, she comes back to find Vanessa in bed pretending to sleep. She goes around the bed and keeps her distance as not to touch and startle her friend, she slides quietly on the left side and falls asleep instantly. 

For Vanessa it was a whole other ordeal, she obviously can't sleep and she starts wondering if she will ever sleep again in her life.  
She was so tired and tried to focus her mind on other things, things that usually calm her and help her find sleep, but every time she closes her eyes she sees it all over again in bits and pieces, and some of it wouldn't even make sense. Did she make up the whole thing in her mind? How was this real life? She struggles remembering his face, does this man really exists? Did Med really happen? She touches her lips and feels the gash swallowing her bottom lip, and eventually, the pain reminds her it was not a nightmare.  
She looks to the window to try to make up what time it must be, but it's still extremely dark and silent outside and she figures it's going to be a long night...

Lightheaded from the lack of real sleep she goes in and out of a superficial slumber that completely fucks her sense of time until she hears Hailey being very agitated in her sleep.  
She's moving and moaning as if she's struggling with someone or something.  
Vanessa couldn't make up what she was trying to say and didn't know if she should wake her up or not.  
So she did what she use to do when she was a kid sharing beds with other kids who often would be snoring too loudly or struggling with a nightmare; she gives Hailey a couple of small kicks in the leg so she wakes up not knowing what woke her up from her nightmare, and Vanessa would just have to lay there and pretend to still be asleep.

Hailey wakes up with a sudden jerk, feeling trapped and distressed, not knowing for a second what was wrong with her.  
Then she turns to see Vanessa asleep on the other side of the bed, then she remembers everything, and her dream too.  
She passes her hand through her face and hair and checks the time on the phone, 6:13 am, far too early to wake up after just 3 hours of sleep.  
But she knows now that there was no way she was going back to sleep, not after that nightmare, as usual.  
So she very carefully gets out of the bed, and goes for a pee, and washes her face to put more distance between the dream and herself, then decides to go straight to the kitchen to prepare a pot of coffee.

"Couldn't sleep either?” she is about to jump out of her skin when she sees Kim also in her pajamas sitting at the kitchen counter already pouring coffee on a mug.  
“Fuck! Thank god I'm not armed Kim!" She replies with her hands on her heart, "I wasn't expecting anyone else up so early".

Kim pours her coffee without bothering to ask and extends it to her while she grabs a stool to the bar.  
"Sorry, I just couldn't sleep anymore."

They both sip coffee in silence while staring into the void, both trapped in their own contemplations for a few minutes until Kim breaks the silence "I know it's not your place to say, so you don't have to tell me anything..." she swallows hard and continues, "But you know what happened to my sister right?" Hailey nods, "You weren't with us at the time so you won't remember how it was like for me, how fast I had to grow up and try to fix her and protect her from the outside world... I took time off the job; actually, that was around the time you did the joint department sting with Intelligence." She pauses for a while, collecting her thoughts, then continues "There were days I wasn't even certain I would come back... All I'm saying is...I guess I realized you can't save people from hurting like that, at least not alone. You can't sacrifice yourself for this task because it's neverending and it's heart-wrenching, and...”, Kim seems lost in her reflections, she never really spoke about it in such terms, sure she mentions it, the whole team knows and every time they catch a rape case it brings it all back to the surface, but usually, she just expresses the anger but never the other feelings. 

But she knows now is the right time, she extends her hand to grab Hailey's "I was the one who found my sister that day, I rode to the hospital with her, I know how it looks like and I could see it on your face and Vanessa's", Hailey tries to interrupt but Kim continues "Hold on please, let me finish this, it was eating at me the whole night, I need to finish this ok? I don't think she will be able to hold onto the secret very long, the whole thing at the hospital it was weird, the examination that took forever, I saw Natalie being called in, you willing to come sleep at mine rather than Jay's which makes zero sense on a normal day unless you want to protect her from..." She cuts the sentence in the middle not knowing how to express it; "I know the guys can be thick but we're detectives, and Voight will know, he'll figure it out, and Halstead already know right?" Hailey closes her eyes and nods.  
"It just a matter of time before it blows over, I won't say anything to anyone, but you have to know this."

Hailey inhales deeply trying to figure out what to answer, but she just breaks up in tears, deep sobs she was holding just below the surface for hours now.  
Kim comes over to her and hugs her and holds her and give her time to just cry.  
So she cries, for a long time, for Vanessa and herself, and Kim and her sister and for all the people they cant protect and fix. For a justice that will never really be served and for all the open wounds they have to live with forever.  
After a long silence, Hailey finally comes back to herself, she blows her nose and steadies her voice, "I think you know as well as I do there are ways of dissimulating the truth... I mean I know, we do it all the time, we never put all the shit that happens to us in our reports, all the touching and threats when we're under..." this time Kim interrupts her before she is finished.  
"But she wasn't under! That's the difference!"  
“I don't know what to tell you... I know one thing, I am going to do whatever it is Vanessa wants. I'm not gonna choose for her what is the best course of action, I don't want to violate her agency now. So we wait and we stay ready for whatever happens, at least I will, you don't have to put yourself in jeopardy, you don't have to know this, you don't have to burn yourself." 

Kim paces lightly in her own kitchen. She can't think of what to say to convince Hailey to do anything, she was a bit intimidated by her on a normal day, let alone in this situation. 

"You know, she is not like us... she is different, I don't think she expects the world to bend over backward to bring her justice." Hailey says, maybe mostly to herself than to anyone else.

Kim sighs and puts on water for another round of coffee then says "You know I'm on board, whatever the cost."

~~~

She hated the idea, but she had to wake Vanessa up and tell her she had to leave her alone the whole day, and she felt like shit doing it.

"Hey, hey sweety", Vanessa stirred and opened her eyes, she looked like she never knew sleep in her life, "Kim and I are going to the district soon, I wanted to let you know so you don't panic when you wake up alone ok? I know it sucks and I would rather stay with you, but if I don't show up it will look very suspicious now, you understand?"  
Vanessa nods.  
"If you want me to stay you just have to say the word and I will come up with a good reason not to show up”  
"No... no don't do that, it's alright, I need the time. I swear it'll be alright."

Hailey was regretting her decision already, there's no way she should leave her alone today of all days. Come what may, actually fuck what may, she wasn't going to leave her now.

“I'm staying!" she blurs out, "Fuck, I'm staying."  
It was Vanessa's turn to observe her intently and finds somewhere in her to smile reassuringly " Trust me, Hailey, I need it, I need to think, I need to process, and I can't do it if you're here hovering". Her voice was firm and she was surprised to believe herself that it will be alright, "I'll just need someone to leave me a gun, I never got the chance to collect my own", she added her voice dropping.

"Sure of course, we can do that, you have your phone right?"  
"Yes"  
"Ok then you call me any time, anything you need, and I will be back as soon as possible” 

Vanessa nods and sends her off.

Then she waits for the flat to fell silent and for the sun to have completely risen before she could actually sleep.


	8. The Bullpen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Intelligence is tired but determined to help one of their own.  
> One of them knows how to cheat their demons.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm being redundant but it's awfully tricky for me to do the cop talk in the bullpen, I'm very insecure with it so I hope you can forgive me for the inaccuracies. 
> 
> I know its moving slowly but we should see a bit more action very soon. I hope!

It was 7:20 when Kim and Hailey made it to the 21st, they weren't the first though, they parked at the same time Kevin was arriving and of course, their sergeant's car was already there, but Voight was always the first in.

By 7:30 Jay and Adam were also in and the brief could start.

"Yesterday one of our own has been attacked in her own home, off-duty by an unknown assailant, so let me be very clear, no one is going home until we crack this case". The team acquiesces but no one interrupts.  
"We're expecting the very first forensic report anytime now, I told the team working the flat not to stop until they can come back to me with something preliminary.”  
Hailey was zoning out halfway through the brief, she knew the drill but it still felt bizarre to have her flat being at the center of attention and that made her want to dissociate with the current focus.  
"Upton! Can you think of anything that was missing? Anything of value? Or a CI file? Anything at all?”  
"I haven't been back there yet but I don't remember noticing anything missing yesterday, and I don't keep CI files at home, I'll have to check with Vanessa if she ever takes work home.”  
"You will have to go back today and make sure of that. We need to know if this is retaliation for police work. We don't know what this is yet, it's not clear if the intruder was there for her, or you, both of you, or something at your place.  
We don't know if this was a case of a mistaken target just yet either. But we will get answers... Soon." 

"Ruzek, pull all the files about recently released convicts who were pinched by either Upton or Rojas, anything going back 6 months; if this is a viable lead I'd like to think there is more chance Hailey would be the designed target since she has more history.” 

"You got it sarge."

"Burgess you and Upton go back to the house and check over everything we might have missed yesterday, if this is indeed a burglary gone wrong I want to know." 

"Atwater you pull all footage on their neighborhood, find me, witnesses, I want a week's worth of pod footage and all incidents reports in the area for the last month."  
"Copy Sarge."

"Halstead you go back to the hospital and check the suspect Rojas shot yesterday, we have to make sure he is not the one calling the shots on this one". 

“I already cleared that this morning before shift, I asked my brother and the patrol guys there, he has got zero contacts with the outside world and he is under heavy medication he can't even stay awake let alone speak coherently".

"Good. One down. Then I want you to talk to the last person she talked to yesterday, some patrol from HQ, you go there and get me an accurate timeline on the drop off" Then re-facing the whole team, "Guys I can't stress this enough, I want everyone reachable 100% of the time, NO solo flying on this one, we all may have a target on our back. You report back to the district every hour and if you're not out there following leads I want you here working the case. Copy?” 

"Sarge are we going public with this? Shouldn't we let other cops know that there are people out there breaking into our homes." asks Ruzek.  
"For now its too early to tell, if this is only an Intelligence thing it needs to stay under wrap. As soon as we get a break I'll know how the wind is blowing. But to be on the safe side, I asked Trudy to dispatch a patrol car in front of your building Kim, if this was a targeted hit then Rojas needs extra protection. Now beat it and check in every hour!” 

They all disperse to their assignments. 

Hailey jogs to level with Halstead, she wants to make sure he is still keeping quiet and to check on him after their rows last night.  
“Jay, how are you doing?”  
“ I should ask you that you look like you didn't sleep one bit."  
"Don't deflect I asked you first, and yes of course I feel like shit."  
"I don't know Hailey... How I feel, I don't fucking know. I feel like we're doing something wrong and we're not helping our friend, I couldn't forget how I found her Hailey it's so fucked up, what if it were you, or both of you I had to find like that.”  
“Don't say stuff like that, please. It should have been both of us at home because I was fucking supposed to pick her up from HQ, I should have been with her, and maybe none of it would have had happened in the first place.”  
Jay passes a hand over his face and sinks into the wall behind him.  
“ I just, I don't know how to compute shit like this. It's so unfair, It makes me want to break something... and now Voight it splitting us up again..." Hailey feels all kinds of ways when he says stuff like that. Like it's so important for him to be partnered with her. She wants so badly to hug him tight. Just to touch him, to feel like all of this is real. But she doesn't, she just pats his arms a bit awkwardly and looks around her before answering “I know... but I need you to be patient, please do it for her if not for me", she pleads, "We can still solve this, we can bury this person for life, without Vanessa having to come clean about all of it, and you know it's possible..."  
And before he can say anything more she let go of his arm and just say, "Just let me know if anything happens, any little thing ok?"  
He nods yes, his throat too tight to talk. 

~~~~ 

Contrary to the girls, Jay has been able to sleep, not because he is a cold motherfucker, but because he knows how to deal with shit like this. Again, he was an army ranger for better or worse. He learned a long time ago to pop a pill if you saw an entire village pillaged and bombed by their own people, pop a pill after seeing little kids working as prostitutes near encampments, pop a pill when you see girls as young as 10 being broken into submission, pop a pill when you see your brother in arms, terrorize, rape, maim and kill innocents and then call it collateral damage, pop a pill when you see some of your best friends blown to pieces; laughing one second and turned into a mist of blood the second. There's a pill to deal with all of these predicaments. A soldier needs to sleep so he can wake up the next morning and do that same shit all over again.  
Most people had no idea about the shit he saw, how it was haunting him, always creeping somewhere, the spoils of war.

But most people weren't Chicagoans either, they were also living in a war zone so Jay wasn't so special in this city anyway.

So he knew what he needed to do to face today.  
He wished he wasn't alone, he wished Hailey and Vanessa had come home with him, then he would have stand guard for them, he would know where they were and could make sure they were safe with him.  
But they rather stay with Kim, and one part of him could understand why, but to him, they were all brothers and sisters in arms, and he was more than qualified to provide shelter and security. So he sat there on his couch and naturally rinsed out his sleeping pills with a beer and waited for the familiar slumber to take over so he doesn't have to fight the flashes of Vanessa wet and bloodied and battered on that floor, crying like there was no tomorrow in Hailey's arm, it made him feel so inadequate and small and useless, all he wanted was to physically make all of this go away, like he could tear the fabric of time and go back to a world where 23 years old baby cops are not brutally assaulted in their own homes, a mere 10 minutes before their colleagues show up.

He didn't know the young woman very well, but no one who's met Vanessa could dislike her, she was eager to prove herself, to be seen and accepted, she has shown natural talent in her UC work because unlike most of the team, she actually came from the streets. She never complained about an assignment, nothing was too small, but also she was ambitious, if she put work on a lead she hated people fucking up with her efforts and she would let you know.  
But he wasn't blind, of course, her joining intelligence right off the academy, after a small stint with narcotics, being this very young Afro-Latina woman had earned her an amount of attention that wasn't easy to dismiss.  
Actually, he wasn't able to comprehend it until he and Kevin were throwing off some heavy drinkers off of her at Molly's one night.  
They would be at bars and other police functions, and Jay could witness how the others looked at her, with envy or disgust, and maybe a bit of something else, one day he mentioned it out loud and Kevin barred his Ts and dotted his Is, there was no mystery why her rapid rise to an elite team wasn't very well received by the rest of the boys in blue.  
So even though it was a truth he had trouble digesting, he was happy Hailey had taken her under her wing, his partner wasn't the kind that takes shit from anybody, she was an extremely guarded person, and obviously knew the line to toe for being a woman in the force. She was his best friend on the job and he was feeling like shit for the way he talked to her earlier; she looked so hurt...  
And then he remembered what he had told her at the hospital _She is not you_ he wanted to punch himself in the face, he had used a piece of information about her that she never disclosed voluntarily to him on the first place, to guilt-trip her into convincing Vanessa to disclose the truth.  
What did he know about any of it?  
And with that thought sleep took over him right where he was sitting, with the trailing thought that he will bring justice for her.


	9. The case

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Intelligence is spreading its net, gathering informations and eliminating some.  
> Vanessa is pushing through the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe a bit fillery ?  
> But also a bit of police work on going here.  
> I hope you enjoy this chapter, I think I'll follow up very soon !  
> Thanks for reading.

It's a little after Noon when the pain in her wrist wakes her up.  
She can't remember dreaming, it just feels like she unplugged herself for a few hours and was now put back on. She tries to sit up but quickly abandons because of a wave of nausea she was feeling, instead, she just lays there, staring at the wall in slumber, in her mind only one question echoes endlessly, _Did it really happen?_ Every few minutes if she isn't having flashes, she kind of forgets about it. Like knowing something is wrong, but what exactly? But then it comes back to her, over and over again.  
She wants to move but still can't, she needs to take some of her meds, but she is afraid of breaking her own silence, to start the day. What she really needs, she realizes is to be put under an artificial coma, in a secure ICU, and sleep it off until the bruises fade and her memories too. She doesn't want to be in this body, she doesn't know what to do with all the markings, her wrists bore the mark of the hands who were restraining her. Her thighs told the story of how he kneed her to maintain her in place to submit her, her bruised face, a testimony of him backhanding her and punching her, and her lips could still taste him from when he forced a kiss on her.  
She would have thrown up if she had anything to throw up in the first place. She couldn't contemplate the thought of eating, of putting anything in her body right now, not the body she wanted to store in a place and come back later to pick up, or maybe never.

It's the vibration of her phone that ends up waking her up for real. Her sergeant is calling her.  
Panic rises in her belly, she toys with the idea of not picking up now, not picking up later, not showing back up ever again, and just disappear forever. 

“How are you holding up kid?" He asks when she picks up.  
“I'm good sarge thank you."  
“Good to hear it! Look we need you to come over to the district, I have to go through your testimony once again, the forensics for the house is here and I need you to review it with us, its gonna be a couple of hours tops, you think you can make it?“  
She is completely mentally fucked up now, her mind is spinning into all stages of panic, she thought she had more time, more time to face them, the district and Voight and all of them. She feels she won't be able to hide it there, anytime anyone looks her in the eye she's afraid they're going to see it, anyone asks her a question she wants to vomit it, to tell them how she really feels to scream at the top of her lungs _"I'm hurting so bad! I feel like dying! Please help me!"_ but she doesn't say that, she just nods to the phone.  
“Rojas?"  
“Hmm, yes I can...l can come over.”  
“There's already a patrol car at your location they can drive you up here, I'll see you soon.”  
and with no further adieu, he hangs up.  
She trots to the window and sees a patrol car parked on the block, and her heart misses another beat.  
A cop in uniform.  
The room around her begins to spin, she crumbles to the floor, how is she going to face a whole building full of cops in uniform.  
_A cop in uniform heaving on her, holding her arms apart._  
She tries to block out the memory, but it doesn't go away.  
_A cop in uniform restraining her against his body his dick hard against her back._  
She can't breathe, she wants out of her misery. So she starts humming to herself _“it's not true, it's not true, it's not true, it never happened Vanessa it's all in your head.”_ Rocking herself back and forth, she starts to see better and breathe better, and even smile a bit, she can beat this, it's not very difficult, create an alternate reality, envision it, say it out loud, and it can set you free.

So she finally peels herself off the floor and heads for the bathroom.  
She knows she should take a shower, which would be her fourth shower in 24 hours but she doesn't because there's no need to disturb her newfound resolve and peace with sights of the blue and purple skin and touch the places that hurt, so she doesn't.  
She roams through Kim's clothes until she finds a pair of jeans and a turtleneck jumper, she doesn't know what to do with her hair, to pull them on a tight ponytail makes her feel more in control but it would also mean exposing her battered face a lot more.  
At the same time leaving them out makes her feel very vulnerable like she is giving people more chance to grab her, but at least she can partially hide her face like that.  
But soon she realizes she can't do shit with her left arm in a cast so her hair stays down, at least she can hide a bit like that.  
Looking at her own reflection she sees herself without really seeing herself, there's so much shame she doesn't know where to put it, so she shrinks her real self a bit more.  
She was about to sit down with one of the most seasoned cop of the city so she really should harden herself and remind herself who she was just a mere 24 hours prior to now.  
There's the completely normal everyday Vanessa, who should be at work and functioning like a normal human being, and then there was the other person.  
The other story she didn't need retelling, actually it was best if she doesn't try to timeline it and to fix her memories, so it will be easier to forget, she won't ever have to come back to it, its an exercise she was good at.  
She doesn't let her past fuck up her present, she isn't like that, its a luxury some may have but she doesn't, she can't let this fuck her up she needs her life to move on forward. So she doesn't try to remember. Soon she will forget his name and his face. And it won't even be lying anymore.  
She just needed to make sure this was the story that sticks, and it will because people do not like drama and complication, they like stories they can live with. 

~~~~

Hailey didn't know how to feel when it made no more doubt that nothing was missing from their place.  
Somewhere deep down she still wanted this to be about a robbery, whatever that may be, anything to make sense of this, but it was very clear nothing was missing, there was still a tiny chance he got interrupted by Vanessa and decided to go for something else... It happens, she did her schooling at Robbery-Homicide so she knew how sometimes these things can escalate to something else.  
But does that makes sense here? She knew nothing of what had happened, she spent so much time thinking about protecting Vanessa's secret that she didn't even really had the time to think like a cop. What did she really know?  
Someone was in her house and raped her roommate.  
Was Vanessa the target? Was it about her? Was it about a case? Was it random? Did they know this person? How well did she know Vanessa's background and people?  
She was touring the place for the second time, the CSU seemed closed to pack it up now, and they were basically waiting for Kim and Hailey to be done too. 

"So?" Kim asked without elaborating on the question, her colleague would understand.  
"Nothing... Nothing's missing, it's a bit messy but I can't think of anything that's missing."  
"Hum... Ok, I guess we can pretty much eliminate the robbery scenario." Both of them were standing under the door frame, speaking in low voices so nobody could hear them.  
They looked around one more time then closed the door for it to be sealed back again until further notice.  
"You sure you packed enough stuff for the next days? I really don't mind how long you stay" Hailey had taken the chance to gather a weekend bag with Vanessa's stuff and hers for their stay at Kim's.  
"I think we're good, I don't know when we can come back here but I think it can't be long now."  
They went to check that particular information with the agent in charge, and sneak peek the broad strokes of the initial report he was putting together, but there was too few materials to be discussed out there, they've taken sets of fingerprints, some swabs to collect DNA on different surfaces, and a bunch of pictures of all the entrances and windows. They'll know soon enough what they could work with.  
The two women thanked them and headed towards their car. 

"I have a quick stop to do at the hospital, I can drop you off at the district if you'd like"  
"Hailey, said Kim with an annoyed yet amused look on her face, we cannot fly solo today and you're gonna have to trust me on this, if we're going to the hospital I'm going with you, you don't even have to tell me why."  
The blonde smiled at her and started the car to go collect the rape kit at med.

~~~

He wasn't gonna lie, it did feel a bit like a waste of time to have to drive all the way to HQ to retrace Vanessa's last hour before she was attacked. All they had to do was to actually ask her what had happened.  
He was in a foul mood, people at the Ivory Tower had tried to stick it up to their team so often he didn't know how to act chill around them, and to add up to his mood, he'd also tried and failed to fight off Voight proposal to team up with a patrol to go there.  
"I'm literally driving from the 21st to HQ, this may be the safest commute in town right now, so no I'm not gonna drive with a patrol for my own safety, I'm sure ill manage".  
He was bitter, but his sergeant wasn't in a negotiating mood "I'm sure I don't have to remind you how it ended up for you last time you decided to fly solo right?" sure he didn't, the phantom pain in his shoulder made sure of that.  
"As soon as I'm done I'll be right back here."  
"Tell you what... forget about patrol, you drive with me." 

They drove mostly in silence, Voight's got a couple of calls from different updates he was expecting, but then they arrived at the building he asked him "How are you so upset? Anything you'd like to share?"  
Jay was a bit taken aback, too lost in his own thoughts, he didn't realize he was buzzing with rage or exhaustion and his jaw was locked from the tension of his anger.  
"No... nothing sarge, I just can't wait to put my hands on whoever did this... it's bad what was done to Vanessa, it could have been any of us."  
Voight observed him for a sec, and something in Halstead's face made him reconsider his tone.  
"It shouldn't have happened, whatever it was we will make sure of it. I made a promise to all of you a long time ago, at the end of the day, you come home, safe. And I meant it, I want you safe out there and in your homes. Come on let's see what we can get from here."  
It was extremely rare for their sergeant to be so comforting with them, especially with Jay, they had a somewhat electric relationship.

"We're here to meet with Superintendent Tapper."  
" Is he expecting you?"  
"No, we didn't really have time to book an appointment ahead, tell him it's about... Tell him Sergeant Voight wants to talk."

The young secretary took a deep breath and picked up her phone to reach Tapper's assistant praying she won't be chewed up.

"Sergeant, Detective, walk with me." They met halfway in a corridor while his assistant came to pick the two men up, he was already moving to his next appointment.  
"Superintendent" they both simply greeted.  
"I assume you're following up on yesterday's shooting? Is there a new development I need to know?"  
"Not exactly, but it's related, the officer involved, Rojas, she was here yesterday, I need to know who took her statement, and when they were finished."  
"Humm I don't know exactly I'd have to check some logs for the time we finished", seeing their puzzled faces he added, "I took her statement myself, it was very late so I couldn't call back one of my men."  
Jay and Voights looked at each other with puzzlement.  
"I think it was around 10:45 or something because when I left the night shift had just started, and then I drove her back to her place and went home".  
Now their attention was definitely piqued.  
"You took her statement and you drove her home? My rookie officer?"  
" As I said it was really late and we process these things very quickly now. No one wants the PR nightmare of waiting even 12 hours before the press starts to rip us a new one at dawn.  
Are we done here? I have to meet with the rest of the brass."

"Nearly there, have you seen any suspicious vehicle following you or at the destination?"  
The White Shirt stopped for a moment and said "I wasn't paying attention, but suspicious cars in this town? If you look for them you will find them... Everything's alright? What is this about?"  
"We're just a following up after some suspicious activities around my officer's place that happened yesterday night. I'll reach out again when we know more."

"Well, you know where to find me." The Superintendant concluded, in a tone leaving no doubt their little interview was done for now.

"Tell your officer...Rojas was it? The material is being reviewed and I expect she should get an all-clear in the next few days."  
"Thank you, Sir, she'll be happy to hear it."

They walked silently back to the main floor, and as they were about to leave the building, Jay suggested to have a quick look at the surveillance cameras.  
"Can you get me the footage of yesterday night between 10 and 11?" he asked the female agent in the security pen"Anything specific you're looking for ?"  
"Just wanna check who came and went in that window and the cars driving by the building."  
The 3 of them stared intently at the screen, they saw Vanessa and Tapper arriving at 10:02 parking right in front of the glass door.  
Then at 10:47, Vanessa was back down on her own, sending texts and being busy on her phone for a few minutes, then the Superintendant shows up and after a short chatter, them leaving together at 10:56. Nothing was out of the ordinary, of course, if you removed the unordinary fact of the superintendent being so helpful with a rookie officer.  
"Do you need a copy of that? I'll need to have permission from up there but that shouldn't take too long."  
"Humm no need for now, we'll let you know if we need it later".  
" Sarge, I just received a text from Atwater, the preliminary on the house is back, let's go."

This has been a waste of time, they could have gathered the same amount of information on the phone, Jay thought.  
Yes, it was extremely uncommon for a Superintendent to be so hands-on... these people were known for their love of handing down work to their infinite supply of minions, but hey maybe times were changing.  
Maybe everyone was really on edge with the amount of scrutiny the police were under.  
Maybe some of them were actually afraid of not making the cut if another big story came for their asses.

~~~

She made it to the district in a taxi. She was never going to climb in a car with that patrol guy she didn't know.  
He will have to figure out how she escaped his detail by himself. 

"Oh my god Rojas, your face, are you trying to scare people away?" she was greeted with a sarcastic comment from Sergeant Platt, which made her feel the most normal she felt the whole day.  
Every time the desk sergeant finds a new trait to mock, she feels more and more included.  
"You know it, you should see the other guy!" She waved back with her bad arm to show the cast.  
"Can you beep me up, please? I can't use my good hand."  
"Sure champ!"

When she arrived Atwater and Ruzek were reviewing some pod footage and 911 calls from her neighborhood, they both stopped and went to her to say hi.  
"I'm okay guys, you don't have to hover like that!" she tried with a joking tone, "I know you miss me but look at it this way, all the OT you will be able to log without me to do all your work!".  
"Don't be smart with us, or we can take it to the ring" Adam was play-sparring with her mimicking a boxer's moves.  
"Don't go hurt yourself there Ruz, you know she can take you with just one arm." Kevin backed her up with a wink.  
Then they started some banter between themselves.  
"Is Voight in his office?"  
Adam nodded a bit gravely "Yes he is waiting for you". 

She wasn't expecting Jay to be in the room with their sergeant though.  
She hardly says Hi, and tries to avoid eye contact with him.  
You got this, she thinks to herself. 

"Feeling better?"  
She had poped a cocktail of pain medication and anxiolytics before showing up there, she was feeling a bit lightheaded, and she still felt some pain when she was walking, but it was now more like the echo of pain rather than a constant reminder of the assault.  
But she needed to keep it tight.  
"Yeah better."  
"Ok I'm not gonna beat around the bush, the preliminary came on the home invasion, and they couldn't find any trace of forced entry, or missing valuables, so how do you think the intruder breached into the house?"  
Voight was all business now, exuding authority and waiting for satisfactory answers.  
She looks to the pile of paper in front of her, pictures of the flat in all its angles. She can feel tears mounting to her eyes, she doesn't blink, holds her breath, and carefully crafts her response,  
"I don't know I was upstairs... but maybe I didn't close the door correctly when I came home, my head was somewhere else."  
"Yesterday you told me a patrol from HQ drove you back home... "  
"Yes."  
"But you were confused, because we got around there just earlier, and it seems the big man himself drove you back".  
"Humm... yes I think."  
"You think ?"  
"I mean, yes I must have been confused, it was the superintendent who drove me back, and I went in and must be when I forgot to make sure the door was properly closed. I was overwhelmed with everything."  
"Ok, moving on, tell me again in detail exactly how it went down."


	10. The girls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The girls go forth and back and forth again.  
> A little reprieve before the storm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm playing a bit with the usual CPD timeline, for the needs of my story and Vanessa state of mind I can't fit all of the action in 48h, so I have to do little elipses.  
> Thanks for the kudos and the comments!  
> We have 2 more coming!

She actually never prepared for this moment, and she feels silly now for not having thought about it. 

The week had been hectic, she had barely seen her makeshift roommates who were pulling all-nighters at the district and coming home only to shower and catch some sleep.   
Most of that time she would subtlety avoid them pretending to sleep whenever they would come home. Although from what she gathered from their whispering was they weren't really close to breaking the case. 

Yet, the biggest news after all this, their house was cleared from the CSU yellow tapes now, they were done with the place and had documented everything they needed.   
So today was moving day back to Hailey's flat.

They said their goodbyes and thank yous to Kim and were now stationed in the driveway of the house.  
“Ready?” Hailey's voice breaks Vanessa out of her stupor. She doesn't say anything, she just sits there.  
“Vanessa?”   
“I … Yes... let's do this.”  
“Ok then”, replies Hailey with half a smile.   
But of course, as soon as they make it to the door Vanessa freezes in place.   
“Hey... are you ok?” asks Hailey while rubbing her arm, “If you don't feel like it, we don't have to do it.”  
“I don't think I can...” she says breathing rapidly, “ I don't think I can come back in here”, the tears are mounting, but she refuses to let them overwhelm her.  
“I, I can't be here... I can't... I can't” she is now walking backwards from the entrance.   
Her vision is tunneling but she doesn't stop, she needs to make it to the safety of the car.  
How could have Hailey drove her _here?_  
How could she think she could step in _there?_  
She was livid and trying to prevent herself from spiraling down into a panic attack.  
“Hey, hey Vanessa, I'm so sorry, I'll...I'll just drive us back to Kim's, ok?”  
Hailey was trying to catch Vanessa's eyes but she was fixated on the road before her. Her nails firmly planted in her palms, refusing to look at her friend. 

~~~~

 _“We're on our way back... so sorry its last-minute will explain later”._  
Kim thought she'd be more surprised, but she isn't, she hadn't even had the time to tidy the guest-room after their leaving, so instead, she just changes the bedsheets, takes a quick shower, and orders in burgers for when they'll arrive.  
Were they all pretending this was somehow a good idea? Going back to the crime scene like it was nothing?   
It has been a harrowing week, she just wanted to take a bath and have the time to center herself and plan for the following Monday.   
They were approaching Week 1 since they had started their investigation on Vanessa's case and it wasn't going anywhere, and Vanessa was due back in Squad the next day.  
Now with the moving debacle, Kim doubted she had the strength to shoulder it, she was trying so hard to play it cool, to act normal, she wasn't saying much but it was clear she was putting all her efforts and trying to be normal...  
An hour after they'd left she heard the girls ringing back at her door, roughly 5 minutes after the delivery guy.  
They didn't make a big fuss of the aborted operation and Kim broke the awkwardness showing them how she went overboard with her order and had gotten a bit of everything, food is always a good answer when everything is fucked up.

It was unclear to the girls if Vanessa was eating anything at all lately, truth is she wasn't.  
She had spent nearly a week not sleeping at night, numbing the pain with the usual cocktail of painkillers, she would usually find sleep at dawn and would wake up 5 hours later or so, with ambitious plans for the day.  
Clean the flat, get groceries, prepare dinner for the girls, go for a run, meet up with a friend...  
But day after day it turned out she couldn't, she couldn't go out, get groceries, cook dinner, or go for a run or meet up with a friend.  
She couldn't do anything really, and every day she was setting herself to fail more than the day before with the list of things she wanted to do growing every time. She was used to numbing herself through pain in being hyperactive, but this time it was like she was moving through a sea of lead and grayness and silence.  
She would spend whole days not hearing her own voice. Not even her own crying, because after that first day she made a deal with herself, he got all her tears and cries that day and she won't give it anything more; so when she had failed at everything else, she would try to watch a show on Netflix, but would realize her thoughts were always trailing away, like in a hurry to catch a train that would always go to the same destination. Not quite full-blown flashbacks, but just going over there, around that area in her mind, and she would stop herself and bring herself back to the present until it happened again. She needed to stay busy but she had nothing to do, for the first time in her life she had nothing to do, she wished it was under any other circumstances than this one. 

Considering the circumstances, they were not having a bad evening, it was nearly joyous and light, Kim and Hailey were completely flatlined from their week, but in the end, despite what he had said, Voight had freed them that Sunday, most of all their fresh leads have dried out and so far nothing was hinting to a possible escalation, so maybe they deserved a little break.

Converting the couch into a bed, the girls prepared for a lazy evening, Hailey spread like a sea-lion, let Vanessa use her as a pillow, while Kim holds a tray with the extravaganza of fries and wings on her laps. They are passively watching some type of survivor type of tv show and actively avoiding talking about their younger colleague freak out at the house. They could talk it out separately the next day, and figure out where to go from there. But tonight they all deserved some respite.  
It was the first time in the last five days the three of them were actually together and they wanted to enjoy that, even though a wave of dread was creeping little by little.

“How's the arm?” this was the most indirect way Hailey had found to ask her friend how she was feeling about coming back the next day.  
Vanessa turns her wrist several times, “I don't feel the pain anymore, I'm not 100% but it can work”.  
“Right, but you know, you could get an extension at med, there's no need to rush back,” Kim says, her eyes moving from Hailey to Vanessa.  
“Haha! I wish, but wasn't Halstead back like 2 days after being shot in the shoulder? They're gonna say I'm milking it forever!” answers Vanessa laughing, but deep down her gut, she wasn't so certain she was ready to come back. She didn't know how to feel about that. Part of her wanted to stay in her little limbo, where there's quiet, and no one to perform for most of the time, and no talking or touching, where she could choose to be social with the girls like now or not, but the other part of her was aching to go back to real life, so _this_ would be over, she wasn't elated per se about her condition but she was thankful she had the time to process, but if she'd took on the advice and went on to get a sick leave extension, she was afraid she would never make it back to work, or anywhere.   
So yes, she was ready to go back.   
They joked about Jay's propension of being shot on the job and moved on from Vanessa.  
It was nearing 10 pm, and there was no chance they were leaving the comfort of the couch now, and sure enough, the two older women fell asleep where they were sitting leaving the younger one battling against her demons until she also passed out later on, soothed by the feeling of being cared for and protected.

XXXXXXXXX

Most of her bruises were fading away, and depending on the light you could barely see the ones she'd sustained on her face.   
She was sitting shotgun in Hailey's car while Kim was following them on her own, they had stopped for coffee to mitigate the stress weighing on all of them; but still, when they arrived at the district, Vanessa felt the same knot on her belly like the evening before when they had tried and failed at moving back to their flat.  
She was wondering why she was putting herself through that. Will she be able to sustain anyone pushing her buttons? The stress of the job? What will happen with the case? She kept on thinking they would just drop it when all the leads went dead, but when would that be?   
She was spiraling on her own head when Hailey hand found hers and told her “You are not alone, don't forget that, ok ? If there's anything just come find me.” Vanessa inhaled deeply and nods.   
“Let's do this”.


	11. The leads

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team is chasing leads, trying to make the case, eventually they hit something.  
> Vanessa goes through archives.  
> Voight comes to a deadline.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here it is, I said they're would be more action coming well it's packed in here!  
> It's very police-y, and it has everyone in it, I hope you appreciate it!
> 
> And i think there's a bit of content warning, not explicit but be ready for swearing and mention of underage relationship and threats.  
> It's not pretty.

Everything Voight hated with a case was happening with that case.  
He was standing at his window early that Monday morning wondering how much time he could still spend his resources on a ghost chase.  
There was no witness, no camera had caught on a suspicious car or person, no DNA or fingerprint on scene that got a hit on their database.  
Vanessa's recollection of the attack never gave him anything to consider seriously.   
She didn't recognize the voice, she hasn't seen the face, and she can't think of anyone specific who could have targeted her. She was still adamant this was a case of wrong place wrong time.

_Maybe._

In any case, he had split his teams in three directions to cover the most sensitive theories, Kevin and Adam would comb through her past and see if there was a history of violence or gang affiliation, find out if there was anything there to link back to the attack, Jay and Hailey would peal through Intelligence history of threats and recently released convicts holding a grudge towards anyone on the team or Vanessa specifically, and Kim and he would follow only the material evidence, which was pretty thin. 

“Everybody, listen up! First of all, welcome back to Rojas, we're happy to see you back among us”. The team clapped and cheered her until their sergeant severe look brought them back to their serious state. 

“Vanessa even if you're cleared by your doctor I would prefer to have you on desk duty for a couple of days and trust me there's work to do. And before I hear an objection, you can't be working your own case so don't bother asking.”  
“But Sarge...”  
“What did I just say? Don't bother asking, we have accumulated a serious backlog and actually part of your job would be to go through all the files we got handed down by Gang and Narcotics and find out what are the most pressing issues and trust me I'd rather we figure this out by ourselves before I get a call from the Deputy, copy?”  
“Copy Sir.” Then turning to the rest of the team, “Good, for the rest of us, we will go through the evidence collected so far and by today we need to have a break or we will have to put this in priority 2. So Ruzek and Atwater you track down the people on the list you were pursuing, Kim I want you to have another look at the forensics, Halstead, and Upton I want your final list of freshly released offenders recouped against Intelligence arrests records, and a shortlist of recent threats received to the 21st.”  
“Copy!”.   
“I want everything you find brought to me directly in my office” he eyed Vanessa saying that, he was building a China Wall around her.   
The team dispersed after a bit of chatter and after 5 minutes it was just Kim and her in the bullpen, Voight in his office, Hailey and Jay were in the media room to parse through the heavy data set, and Kevin and Adam were already on their way to wherever.

Sitting down at her desk, Vanessa felt a bit like shit, like she didn't matter at all, on one side it was a blessing because she didn't want to be the center of attention and overwhelmed by the attention of others, but at the same time it was like the time never stopped here, her whole life was thrown upside-down but here at work, Intelligence was doing their thing regardless of whether or not Vanessa Rojas was a thing.   
Feeling tears prickling at the corner of her eyes, she swallows them back, then gathering whatever dignity she felt she had left she goes to pick up the immense pile of files and starts looking for something, anything to get her mind off of things.

~~~

Kevin and Adam had already spent most of last week going through a list of people to visit which were linked to Vanessa's past, at least they assumed; Voight was the only one who had access to her personal file, she was their colleague and she deserved at least that amount of privacy. He was nearly talking in code this morning because he didn't want her to know their latest game-plan, and even it felt unethical working this in house, they had to believe the ends would justify the means.  
So they blindly followed the crumb trail down the lane of Vanessa's life.  
Her foster homes, the group-homes, her highschool friends, the kids she had fallen with after she'd been released to the streets the day she turned 18.  
They felt bad poking unwillingly into her life, they knew a lot more about her than she had ever let out, and that she knew about them.  
They wished she'll never get to find out how far they went.

So far most of the encounters haven't lead to anything interesting.  
She was well-liked by most people, maybe one or two foster parents were salty about her, but they looked like the type who would be salty about any kinds of kids.  
Now they had only a couple more people to check on, a guy named Luis Reyes who was just released from prison and they had a hard time tracking down, and a woman named Rochelle Assayas which as per one of the foster mom's was Vanessa's best friend from her years in high school.

“We saw this listed as an address for Luis Reyes, is he here?” They finally narrowed down a garage address for Reyes, apparently, his older cousin allowed him to work and sleep in the office since his release.  
“Luis!?” a lanky pale Hispanic twenty-something rose from under a car.  
“Hey, Primo! Those gentlemen want to talk to you, I hope you're not bringing your troubles to me so fast.” the older cousin called out but without malice.

“So you were just released from Cook County? Kevin asks.  
“Yes, and I have been laying low since. What do you want ?” The young man looks to both cops, trying to pipe his nervousness down.  
“Maybe we ask the questions and you answer them?”  
“What were you in for?”  
“They said it was Grand theft auto or whatever”.   
“You were pinched alone?”   
“Hum...yes” the young man answers after a bit of hesitation.  
“How do you know Vanessa Rojas?” that got Luis to snap out of his faked self-composure.  
“She was a friend why? You know she had nothing to do with that!”  
Kevin and adam looked at each other, their attention seriously piqued at this point.   
He was too agitated. This could actually lead to something.  
“We never said she did, when was the last time you talked to her?”  
“When I was in prison, but like a year ago, then she disappeared on me.”  
Now he was even sounding irritated.   
“And that got you mad right? You were thinking about her all this time but she bailed on you while you were inside?”  
“What the fuck are you talking about? What is she saying??? I haven't heard or seen her in over a year if she is..”   
“Hey hey hey calm down now bro, we didn't say anything about her, you are the one jumping to conclusions,” said Kevin while Adam was raising his hands towards the younger man's torso.  
“One last question for you, where were you between 10 and 1 am Tuesday?” a miff of panic went through his face for a second, then he relaxed.  
“Easy I was released on Monday and Tuesday I drove to Detroit to see my little brother until Thursday. My cousin let me drive one of the garage cars, that's not illegal and we can prove it.”  
“I'm sure you can.” 

They went to check with the cousin who confirmed the story, they checked the latest GPS logs and apart from one more errand in Chicago Heights, the latest coordinates were from Detroit to downtown Chicago.

Still, they got the license plate number and sent it over to Kim so she can check if a camera had caught him back and forth from his trip.   
They told him not to skip town and went on to the next and last person.

"I really thought we had him, he was perfect, out of prison a day before, knows her from before, looks like he holds a grudge because she stopped coming to see him, and can break into cars so I assume breaking into a home isn't a stretch.” Adam recapped. He was aching for some results.  
“I don't know man... my gut tells me he doesn't have it in him, looking at him I don't even know how he survived prison. He looks like a heartbroken kid rather than a cold-blooded vicious ninja”. Adam didn't really object because he knew Kevin had the best instincts when it came to people, he very rarely got his assessments wrong when they were sussing out offenders and their entourage.  
“He said they fall out like a year ago, do you think he even knows she's one of us now?”  
“I have no idea bro... she doesn't say a lot about herself, so who knows?” Kevin concludes while departing from the garage. 

~~~

Jay and Hailey were going through their umpteenth hour of checking old cases, Hailey was working more on the mail and online threats they received, and Jay was combing through the most likely offender profiles who could plan some retaliation.  
They don't discard the job as useless, yes it was minutious, but they might get lucky, you never know, half of the job is hoping hard your instincts lead you to an offender and that meant going through a shit-ton of them.  
“How are you guys doing? Jay whispers to Hailey,” I keep on trying to check up on you but it looks like Voight has been trying very hard to keep us apart since the night of... I don't know if he is suspicious or if it's just his regular paranoia or if I'm the one imagining things.”  
“I guess he's been suspicious of us but if he partners us up on this it must mean he had nothing to show for it.” They were leaning towards each other, making sure no one eavesdropping could hear them, “We're okay, just it's been a hell of a week for all of us.”  
“Good, good”, Jay answers a bit hastily, “Any new leads? Has Vanessa given you anything more?”  
“Jay! It's not like I've been interrogating her in my spare time, she is not telling me anything, and I'm not grilling her either, I told you, she tells me what she needs to tell me, whenever she feels like telling me.”  
“Hailey come on! You must have gotten something since! What are the forensics showing from the... ?”   
“Nothing it was shit, they say it's too deteriorated, that they're are strands that could be matched to someone if we had something else to compare it to, but right now no match, no nothing.” 

They stare into each other eyes in silence for a moment, then suddenly some file that was downloading beeps on Jay's computer and it breaks the moment.   
“Time to go back to our psychos,” he says with a smile, “I hope it's not too bleak.”  
“You have no idea... the things I'm reading, what those people send to us...it's so ugly...” she straightens herself, not too happy about going back to the string of torture, rape, and death threats she was combing through. “Look, _I will gouge the eyes out of that fat cop bitch, feed it to my dogs while I let my boys pound her skull underground._ After all of this is done, we should pay a visit to some of them...” hearing the emotion on her voice, Jay stretches a hand to her a softly presses her arm,  
“Don't worry, we'll never let them a chance to get to us.” 

Hailey smiles to herself and dives back into her work, for a moment there, she feels like they were back in a good place like none of this had happened and he was still her rock.   
He just had a way to get to her even in the most inopportune times, this last week being the hellish neverending misery feast it'd been, had given her some time to push away her feelings for him, with all the fights they had she even believed she was free of them, but when they were like that she was right back there with her unwanted feelings, having no idea what to do with them. Right now she can't help but wonder if he knows it, sometimes she feels like she is imagining it, but then sometimes it feels so real. Like they actually stand a chance.

~~~

They found Rochelle working as a front-desk clerk in an art gallery downtown, one of these new gentrified naked rooms, with more coffee selection on the coffee corner than actual art.   
They didn't really expect to find the young Dominican working in a place like this, but from what they could muster about the young woman she was still pursuing her education at night school and looked serious about it, apart from that, they couldn't find a record of recent contact with Vanessa like most of her friends.  
“Rochelle Assayas?”   
Adam flashes his badge and tilt his head to Kevin and does the presentation “Officer Ruzek and my partner Officer Atwater, do you have a minute please?”   
The young woman looks annoyed, checks around her, then say “I don't want any problem, let's take this outside I don't want my boss seeing me talking to the cops.”   
She signs to a colleague who comes to replace her at the desk.  
As soon as she is outside she carefully looks for her cigarettes, finds them, finds a lighter, lights her cigarette up, and finally makes eye contact with them, showing she was now ready for the conversation.  
“So why would you tell us you don't want any problem? Did some problems find you lately?”   
she looks to Kevin like to ask him _“ Is your boy for real?”_  
“There's not a single day of my life where talking to cops wasn't directly related to some fucked up shit, so yeah I'm asking.”   
“There's no need to go there Mam'”, Kevin answers, “If you didn't do anything then it's like this conversation never happened”.  
She takes a drag then nods, “ So what's it about?”  
“Vanessa Rojas, you know her?”  
“What about her? What happened?” she was still giving them crafted iciness but they could see the name had sparked her interest.  
“Let us ask the questions, aight? So how well do you know her?”  
“We kinda grew up together, I mean we were inseparable around high school, we hanged out and stuff.”  
“And stuff, like gang stuff?”  
“That's a stretch officer!” she answers with sarcasm, “I never said there was gang stuff, we hanged with people, they were our friends... at least we thought they were.”  
“Meaning?”  
“Well Vanessa like a lot of other kids were homeless at the time, so there were a couple of squats I guess where we used to go. But before that for a while, she crashed with me at my parent's house, but when my dad had to go underground because of ICE raids we lost some income and... my parents they couldn't.. you know... keep her.”   
“This is when you fall in with your squatter friends?”   
“For a while, yeah, but at the end of the day I still had a house to go to, and she didn't, and even if we were like sisters, truth is it drew a rift between us. I would still come for like parties and shit, but we kinda fell apart, I heard she made it out too at some point.”   
She was now so engaged in her own memories, her cigarette had gone out without her noticing.   
“When was the last time you were in contact with her?”   
“Hmm man, that was a long time ago, I even thought she was locked up or something, but she wasn't, she tracked me down like a couple of years ago and we caught up a bit, we said we'd meet again but we never got around to it.”  
This wasn't going anywhere, no one has had recent contact with Vanessa, let alone in the last couple of months.  
“Okay anyone you remember that could be... I don't know holding a grudge, someone she did badly before splitting ?”  
“What? Why? She never did a mean thing to anyone, she was just a lost kid in over her head with too many other lost streets kids, small-time dealers and street workers... and well too many men.”  
“Ok think back, can you remember anyone capable of violence?  
Now they could see the dread on the girl's face, she took out another cigarette but this time no spectacle to light it up, she immediately took a huge drag and said while puffing “You mean like Rainer?   
“Rainer who?”  
“Luca Rainer, that asshole who liked to burn holes in little girls' skins. She “dated” him for a while. But like since she was 16 or 17. But it was very down-low until she was out of the system. He was like the guy who decides what was up in one of the squats. And for a time Vanessa was his shiny little thing, but he was a total creep, we used to fight about it all the time cause she wouldn't leave his ass, even that one time when I saw he had burned her with his cigarettes,” she mimed the action with her own cigarette as if she was burning into Ruzek's biceps “But then, she had nowhere else to go, so it was him or me, and she chose him. I got out and this is how we came to lose touch. But yeah if you're looking for a violent asshole that's your guy.”   
Adam and Kevin look at each other, this time it feels like something.   
“Do you know where to find that Rainer?”  
“No never heard of him after that, it's been 3-4 years now... could be dead for all I know, or should be if there's any justice”, she adds, dragging on hard on her cigarette.  
The boys take her coordinates and thank her for her help. For a moment walking back to the car, they're just silent, “I hope this motherfucker is dead because if he isn't...” starts Adam, his nerves on a short fuse, as usual, Kevin of course understand, but even more than the feeling of pure hate and anger, he feels so much pain for Vanessa, he feels like they're violating her secrets and what secrets they were... just a week ago she'd told him “One day when I'm ready I'll tell you more about my past”, she trusted him, and they were doing this.   
“Let's go back to the district, Voight will want to hear this”.

Indeed what they got now was an even better lead than the one just before, meaning this time they needed to go back to the district, and give a thorough account to Voight, research that motherfucker, and bring him in.

~~~

“Grab Kim and split this between yourselves, I want you all to be looking for this guy.” Voight was relieved someone had finally brought him something, this is the furthest they've been since the beginning. If they could suss out this guy today, he will be able to push for an extension into their “ confidential” matter a bit more. If this was a dead lead though...

It was Kevin who got a positive hit first.   
“Boss I got something!”, he said barging into the sergeant's office. Closely followed by both Kim and Adam, “Luca Rainer, 33, in and out of prison between 17 and 22, he got pinched for a series of minor offenses, slinging a bit of dope and forging prescriptions...”  
“I read his mom was married to a home-care nurse for awhile” interrupts Adam.  
“That makes sense, ok then he graduates to domestics, he got a couple of restraining orders here and there, then he got in again at age 25 during a wide net operation on gangland but no important charge stuck on him so he was released and since then off the radar and for all we know he could be dead, out of state or a reformed perfect citizen.” finishes Atwater, his voice dropping.  
They stand in silence for a minute, but Kim runs out of the office and comes back a second later.  
“I just thought about something, he started with forging signatures right? So I widened the research so we can hit a larger set of variations of his name and bingo! He's been forging his own ID and goes now as _Lucas Reiner,_ age 33 working at a tech company, here in Wicker Park, he is listed on their website as a sales coach.”

“Great job! You go get that son of a bitch and you bring him to me.”

~~~

During most of the action, Vanessa was in the archive room filing requests for Narcotics to release them more documents since they'd decided to send them incomplete files and they couldn't do anything with what they got.   
She was the first surprised at how easy everything was when she was all alone, busy doing police work. The task assigned to her sounded very pedestrian, but actually, it was like investigating in real life. She gets to collect data and make solid links between several cases, see which ones Intelligence should take on and which one to send back with a little bit of help, she had left notes on a couple of gang cases, where obviously whoever had been investigating those lacked real knowledge of the streets he was operating on.

But when she got back to the bullpen she saw that Adam and Kevin had gotten back from their morning quest, and were apparently about to leave again with Kim on their toes this time.  
She calls out to her brunette colleague and grabs her arm “Hey, have you found something?” from an outsider point of view you would think its hope you could read on her eyes, a victim eager to see her attacker brought to light, but in her case it was dread... could they have found out??   
“You know I can't tell you, but I promise everything is fine. Just... Don't worry!” Kim could see Voight was looking at them from his office, she didn't want to let out anything that could draw his ire, she gently disengages herself from Vanessa's grip and puts on her coat, and trots after the guys. 

~~~

This day was really keeping on giving.  
They went from a garage to an art gallery to now a tech start-up selling gods knows what to god knows who.   
The place looked like a giant daycare with tons of stupid bright colors as if full-blown adults needed that to feel like they weren't being worked to death.

The young hipster looking assistant didn't even try to block their access, she looked extremely non-plussed by them being the police, she just said “I can show you to his desk, could be he's here, could be he isn't, and I can't promise he's got time for you, this is closing week so good luck with that.”

They found him dispensing what looked like some passionate advice to a couple of colleagues.   
“ Rainer Luca?”   
A 6-foot well-dressed athletic guy turns to face them, Kim directly takes her opening and dismisses the 2 others.  
“It's Lucas”, he answers emphasizing the s ”You got my attention officers” they didn't even have time to introduce themselves, but a guy like him needed no introduction to plain-clothed officers.   
If more people were paying attention they would easily spot them too.  
This time they weren't in for the song and dance, this guy was cocky as fuck and they couldn't wait to perp walk him out of his office to wipe the smug smile off his face.   
“How do you know Vanessa Rojas?” Kevin asks, towering the guy from a couple more inches.  
“Ohhh, yeah little Nessa, she was a sweet pie... for a while.” the energy around this conversation was already turning sour.   
“Let's start this again, who is Vanessa to you and when was the last time you saw her.”   
“I was her friend, gave her shelter and food, and one day her ungrateful ass disappeared on me. I heard she found someone else to scam after that.”   
Kim could see both of the guys were ready to jump him, so she intervenes before they fuck up this interrogation.   
“And you haven't seen her since ?”   
“Nope, not in a lifetime, maybe she got herself locked up or pregnant or dead, girls like that... you know the type.” he was eyeing Burgess like she was a piece of meat.   
The situation was very much inflammable.  
“Where were you last week on Tuesday night between 9 pm to 3 am?”   
they can see him actually thinking about it.   
“We hit a record target, we had drinks here in the office and I went home completely fucked up.”   
“When was that? And is there anyone who can vouch for you?”   
“ I don't remember, I don't know I woke up alone the next day... although if you were my colleague I'm sure you would make a beautiful alibi,” he says and tries to put back a strand of Kim's hair behind her ear.  
“Ok, that's it!! this time it's Kevin who first gets into him and pushes Luca onto the wall, Adam turns him against the wall “You won yourself a trip to the station asshole, try this again... even think about it again and I will break both your arms _Lucassss._ ”

“You aigh't girl?” Kevin asks Kim while walking a short distance behind Adam and his prisoner.   
“Yeah yeah... he is just a creep...” she was trying very hard not to hug herself while so many people were looking. But this short interaction with this guy had left her to feel dirty and he didn't even lay a hand on her.  
But the way he looked at her...

~~~

They drag him from the back entrance of the district directly to the interrogation room.  
Kevin volunteers to get Voight.   
Kim rushes and goes to update Hailey and Jay too so they don't miss the interrogation.  
They were all crammed in the adjacent room, observing him. He was the classic kind of cocky son of a bitch, sitting nonchalantly on the chair as if all of this was just a minor inconvenience. 

“Adam, Jay you're with me”.  
At the same time Kim, Hailey, and Kevin all started to voice their eager interest in being in the room with him.  
But Voight paid them no mind, they were all too close to this, but some more than others, at least from his knowledge.

“So tell me one thing, how a kid from the South Side, mom working 3 jobs for over 20 years, dad split before your arrogant ass made it out of the nursery, in and out of Statesville for years, slings pills for a living, ends up a few years later playing a golden boy in Wicker park like its fucking Silicon valley hun? 

Luca flexes his cuffed arms over his head, and balances himself on the chair then brazenly asks “Where is that cute brunette from earlier?” Adam walks around the table and comes to sit behind Luca.   
“Remember what I'd tell you about trying this again” he whispers in his ears.  
Luca stops balancing on the chair and put his hands back on the table and starts his tale.  
“Let's all remain civil toy soldier,” then making eye contact with Voight “I was still in the game when I met this tech guy who was looking into buying Adderall for his people, I thought he was a college kid or something, but it was for actual grown-ups. So I pitched him some hybrid Speed that was hot at the time and he loved it. But get this, we're in business for a few months and this moron brings me a UC cop during that election year back then, so I got pinched, but my good friend he had connections, like all them tech bros, their dads are all lawyers, so see, he felt bad about getting me locked up, so he did his thing, I got out and he gave me a job at his company, said he'd never met as good a salesman as me.” he stops and watches carefully all their reaction, he is so proud of his origin story, if it wasn't for the hostility of his actual position you would believe it was just another TED talk.

“So you got some Ivy League kid frightened to death that you and your “cartel” people were coming for him and he asked his dad to bail you out, flips on a couple of big players and to find you a job because you start to feel a bit tight in prison, did I got it right?.” Voight re-calibers the story in a way that cuts out the BS.   
“Whatever my dude”. He says rolling his eyes.  
“Vanessa Rojas, when was the last time you talked to her?”   
“Ok now you're starting to really get on my nerves officers, I haven't had any contact with this bitch since before I got arrested during that drug operation ok? She had already bolted at that point and I haven't seen her since. So whatever she is saying must be lies. She was jumping on the dick of the next person who would buy her food, and she ain't loyal, so when I was done with her, I was Done with her.”

If tension could be cut with a knife, this would necessitate an ax. Voight paces towards him but Jay interrupts the obvious next step his boss was about to take and states, “I hear you've got no alibi for last Tuesday night. Any explanation for that?”  
“Any explanation for that? Luca repeats in a mocking voice. “Do you have an alibi for all nights of your life? I don't know you can try and prove I was somewhere I wasn't, I'm not gonna do your job for you.” 

“You sound extremely spiteful still about Vanessa dumping your ass after all this time, and you mean to tell us you never tried to track her down and make her pay? “ Still sitting behind him, Ruzek was trying to provoke him into slipping something.   
But the asshole had stamina, or too much experience with police interrogation, either way, he still wasn't on the verge of breaking.

“As I said all I ever did for her was being a gentleman, giving her shelter when your system decided to put her out on the streets. Thank god for good samaritan like me who swoops in...” that was the one sentence too many, Voight was at his throat.  
“YOU BURNED CIGAR HOLES ON HER SKIN! SHE WAS JUST A KID! YOU PREY ON YOUNG VULNERABLE KIDS AND YOU PUSH THEM PILLS AND CALL UNDERAGE GIRLS YOUR GIRLFRIENDS?? YOU MUST THINK OF YOURSELF AS SOME KIND OF PREDATOR, BUT YOU BETTER BELIEVE ME, IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU I HUNT FOR BREAKFAST!” he let go of his neck and most of Luca's smugness had left his face.

“So tell us when you learned she was a cop? That pissed you off and you thought you'll teach her a lesson, for betraying some code or flipping on some of your dealer friends...”

Luca looked at them with a genuine surprise which was replaced by pure delight a second after “You're shitting me... homegirl is a cop??? I can't believe this? Is this like one of these very elaborate pranks? You've been hired by my boss! It's the only way this makes sense.   
And you were painting me as if I was some class traitor!”. He can't stop himself from laughing at his own jokes. 

~~~

Hailey was feeling sick, she knew about what this man had done to Vanessa, but actually seeing him, with his arrogance and picturing Vanessa 17 or 18 having to deal with this. It made her sick. She wanted to hurt him, she wished she could just put a bullet between his eyes and be done with it.  
But was he also the rapist from last week? It would make sense, it'd make sense Vanessa would know him and be afraid of retaliation, him coming back or threatening to kill her or send word to other people to come for her. 

~~~

Kim decided not to stay for the remainder of the interrogation, she had looked through enough rapist's eyes and she knew one when she saw one. The best she could do was putting a rush on this guy's whereabouts on Tuesday night and know if they actually had a case or not.   
“Kim what's up, stop bullshiting me around, where is everybody?” as soon as she was in the bullpen she nearly bumped into Vanessa.

“We got someone in, but we don't know for sure if he has anything to do with anything.”   
“Move out of my way!”   
“You know you can't be there, not now, you will have your turn, I promise you. But we need to make sure first we have probable cause.”  
“I said move out of my way!!”   
“Vanessa, wait, you said all along you didn't know who it was, so if you remember now be mindful how it can be taken...”  
Vanessa stops in her frenzy, she understands this. But also there was no chance they got him in an interview room now... it made no sense, the whole place would be buzzing with people.

Kim let go of her. Whatever happens now, needs to happen.

~~~

“What the fuck! What the fuck! He can't be here!! Oh god, he's got nothing to do with this!   
Vanessa has just barged in the room, the shock has her putting her hands on her mouth recoiling from the looking glass.   
“Vanessa...” starts Kevin, but she interrupts immediately “Not him! What the fuck is he doing here!”   
She goes for the door to go into the interview room, but both Kevin and Hailey jump to stop her.   
Kevin restraints her in his arms and walk her back into the room, Hailey goes, and doesn't even knock on the door and just says “Sarge we've got a problem, now!”

Voight follows her to find Kevin who was standing between Vanessa and the door, and the younger agent who was unraveling “ Sarge! Why have you brought him here? He has nothing to do with this?! Let him go! “   
“Rojas, calm down, you have nothing to do here.”  
“It's not him, I haven't seen this man in years, if it was him I would have known, but he can't know I'm here, please kick him! “   
She was too hyper to cry but her voice was starting to give out.  
“Hailey, Kevin, take her out of here, I don't want her anywhere near this until I say so.”


	12. The Evidence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The evidence talks and doesn't say a lot.  
> There's a price to pay to for the lies told.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last one for today.  
> It's not gonna be a fun read, it has to go bad, baaaaad before it improves... if it ever does!

They had to kick him after a couple of hours, Kim had doubled-back with his coworkers, and even though he still had the reputation of being something of a sleaze, his payments to the Uber who drove him back home, and the subsequent pizza order he did an hour later alibied him out.  
And truth be told, he had been genuinely surprised by the news of Vanessa being police, without that it was unlikely they could find a motive.

It was 6 pm, and the deadline Voight gave them was fast approaching.  
They were all meeting in his office for a debrief of the case.

“So what do we have?”  
“We got a list of offenders fitting the profile, arrested by intelligence and released recently but none of them raise enough red flag to even narrow it down to less than 10 suspects” starts Jay, he eyes Hailey who completes their assignments “I have been through all kinds of threats received by way of social media, regular mail, email, video, and songs and I can't put forward anyone specific, I still believe its a viable lead and we should look into some of the most hateful ones”.  
Voight just nods and turns to Kim “ So, as we all know there is no physical evidence that matched with any of the DNA in the database, we still can't explain how the attacker made it in the flat and...  
“We have nothing” Voight's concludes.  
“Sarge as you know we peeled through her life, her most recent frequentations everything, and we just kicked our best asshole, and unless someone is lying to us, nobody hated her that bad, so boss I think we should consider the random home invasion angle” offers Kevin.

“Hmm...” Voight thinks for a minute then. “Let me ask you something when was the last time one of us has been attacked and it turned out it was unrelated to the job? Hum? Or any cop in this city for that matter? If you can't find me anything by end of shift we will shelve this, you hear me?  
We are missing something and I think only she can give us that. “ He says walking towards the door, dismissing them, “Send her over,” he tells to no one in particular.

~~~

Vanessa couldn't work anymore, she was sitting on a bench in the locker room for the last hour or so. She couldn't think straight, what the fuck had just happened? In a million years, she never thought what just unfolded was even possible.  
Everything she ever did for herself these last couple of years, was to make sure she would never have to see a guy like Luca ever again.  
She had known misery in some of the worst group homes but the life she had lived with him was nothing short of a nightmare. Of course, at the time she wouldn't think of it this way, but looking back... 

“Vanessa?” it's Jay who ends up finding her first, “Voight wants to talk to you”.  
She doesn't say anything at first, Jay is starting to get used to the silent treatment, she had refused to look at him or talk to him since _the night of_ , and since she was back in the squad room she's been carefully avoiding him. 

But eventually she sits up and waits to level up with him and asks “Am I in trouble?” he looks at her, she is just so... young? Innocent? Out of her depths? He wonders sometimes if her being here has been a blessing or a curse, “I don't know...but one thing I can tell you, it will feel better when you tell the truth, he will help you.”  
The tiny bit of consideration she seemed to have for him disappeared from her features, and she just holds her head high and walks up ready to face whatever it is expecting her. 

~~~

“Have a sit.” Her sergeant tells her.  
She sits down in front of him.  
“So look I'm gonna recap everything we got so far, listen carefully so what we got is a break-in with nothing stolen, a home invasion with no effraction and a struggle with no DNA, we combed through your life and we still ended up with nothing, you see how that doesn't add up? So it's very simple, and I need you to see this from my point of view, either you're not telling us everything, or you're simply the single unluckiest cop in Chicago. And before you say anything I want you to really think, really think is there anything you forgot, stuff you didn't want us to know about, come clean now and I will help you sort this out.”

She wasn't expecting that, and for the first time, she actually allows herself to fantasize about coming clean about it all.  
The team geared up and going in black-ops style to that son of a bitch's house and kidnap him at night, bringing him back in the holding cell underground, and torturing him into confessing what he'd done to her. It sounded sweet and simple in her head.  
But then she could see the more realistic scenario, Voight laughing at her face and calling her a liar, Kevin, her dear friend shaking his head in disappointment because she had sent them all on a wild goose chase, Kim kicking her out of her flat and IA coming to arrest her for defamation, her whole world crumbling down. The Superintendent suing her for everything she was worth until she fades away. People calling her names, and saying it was a mistake to have let her in the force in the first place.

“I can't think of anything more, everything I told you was the truth, the offender never said a word and never showed his face so...”

“Ok Vanessa, I don't think you understand what is going on here. I trusted you, I have been lenient. You're not giving me ANYTHING!” He sprung up in a second, sending Vanessa into a mild panic state that glued her into her chair “WHAT IS IT? THINK! THIS JUST DOESNT MAKE SENSE. IN MY 30 YEARS ON THE JOB I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS, SO IT'S VERY SIMPLE EITHER YOU KNOW WHO THE OFFENDER WAS AND YOU'RE PROTECTING HIM FOR WHATEVER REASON OR MAYBE YOU'RE AFRAID? MAYBE AN EX-BOYFRIEND? SOMEONE AFFILIATED WITH GANGS? YOU MISSHANDLED A CI? OR MAYBE ITS ONE OF YOUR OLD FRIENDS WHO APPARENTLY HAVE NO IDEA YOU'RE A COP? WHICH ONE IS IT? DID YOU CROSS THE LINE AND SOMEONE WANTS PAYBACK?  
He starts to calm down a bit, seeing how mortified she looks, “In any case you are not giving me anything, you're putting yourself in danger and the whole unit too, and I can't let that happen. So it's simple if you're not gonna play ball, you have nothing to do here, I won't let you jeopardize the welfare of this team.

Dreading what was coming Vanessa finally finds in her to argue back “Sir, I swear I'm not...” but Voight interrupts her directly “I don't trust you, I don't trust anything you're telling me... you can clean out your desk, and tomorrow you can report back to Platt and see if she can fit you on patrol until further notice. 

“Sarge, please I can explain”

“Kid, I'm not playing and I won't get played by a rookie like you, so whenever you're ready to talk you know where to find me. In the meantime...” he walks up to the door and opens it for her. The whole unit is on its feet looking towards them.  
She wipes a solo tear from her cheek and walks to her desk, simply grabs her stuff, and walk down the stairs without a word.


	13. The Overpass.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanessa grabs a donut by night.  
> Her roommates worry.

Hailey wants to follow behind, but a look from Kevin dissuades her, she then turns to Jay by sheer reflex but can see he's agreeing with Kevin, finally she hears Kim murmuring “Shift's not over...”, sitting back at her desk and turning back on her monitor.

The thing is there's no real end of shift for Intelligence, shift ends whenever the last person standing leaves.

So they sit in silence for the next couple of hours, only the sound of their tapping breaking the silence; going back and forth through the same material wishing for a break or a missing detail here or there. 

“It's 10 pm people, go home.”

Voight had stayed silently in his office, studying his team, gauging the mood, will there be another one of their little uprisings, or do they understand his stance for once? In any case, it was late and there was nothing more to do today. Hopefully, a few weeks out on the beat would help kick some sense into Vanessa's thick skull. 

“I need to check some files...” tries Kim while the team is eyeing each other, not knowing how far they could push.

“I said we're done, pack it all up it's not an ongoing case now, go home, get some sleep and come back fresh tomorrow, we have a bigger fish to catch.” 

After a moment of uncertainty they start packing up, Hailey checks frantically her phone, she'd already sent a couple of unanswered texts to Vanessa.

The small pit on her stomach was getting bigger by the minute, she had a bad feeling about all of this.

She needed to rush home, grabbing her bag, she dials Vanessa's phone speeding through the building, paying attention to no one when she hears “Hailey!” Jay is running after her on her way to the parking lot “Hold on, don't you think we should...” but she interrupts him mid-way “Jay sorry but not now, first I have to go find her!” she thinks she hears Kim calling out her name too but she doesn't stop, either way, she jumps on her car and drives to Kim's address all lights blazing.

~~~~~

“Hey Hailey! I was... Where are you going?!” the two meet up in the hallway of Kim's flat several minutes later, “Vanessa isn't home, I'm gonna go look for her.”

“Ok I'll come with you!” 

“No you better stay home in case she comes back, I'm gonna... I don't know, I'm gonna go find her and bring her back.” she finishes with a low voice.

It's 2 a.m when she is back home, Kim jumps off the couch when she opens the door but quickly slumps back when she sees Hailey alone. 

“Did she call you?” 

"No, still no news, I stayed up waiting to hear from her, I even put my radio on to check if there are any distress calls there, but nothing.”

“Same I drove around town, to the bridges, and even tracked down the guys from her last unit, but nothing."

“Should we call it in? Have the team look for her?”

Hailey pauses and thinks, it's been a total of 5 maybe 6 hours since they last saw her, unless there was any specific threat they couldn't in their right mind launch a manhunt in the middle of the night with nothing to go on from.

“Let's wait till morning, if she doesn't show up for shift tomorrow we ping her phone and put out an alert.”

The two women split into their respective rooms, but after a while, sleep escaping her, Hailey comes back to nestle on the couch and decides to keep watch there until morning comes.

She wakes up in a jerk when Kim gently shakes her shoulder to wake her up, “It's seven a.m girl, we need to get a move on.”

Hailey jumps to her phone and checks the texts, still nothing.

“Wanna eat something or just coffee? ” “I'm too stressed I don't think I can eat anything... what if I'm failing her again? What if she is somewhere laying on a ditch while we didn't do anything to find her?” 

“Hey hey hey, don't go there... says Kim softly sitting down next to Hailey, I kept thinking about all kinds of scenarios during the night, and then I remembered an episode that happened with my sister... I know they're not the same people, and those are not the same circumstances, but Nicole disappeared like this one day. I was staying with her at the time and she was just so afraid of everything, she wouldn't go out, we had to order in all kinds of things but then she'd be paranoid about delivery guys... she wouldn't go pick up her daughter from school and I had to sub for her for a couple of weeks on her maternal duties. Anyways, one day, I was feeling a bit sick and for some reason, she decides she wants cinnamon rolls, so she says she is going out to get some for all of us... and she doesn't return home for 6 hours... I was out of my mind, all the darkest scenarios going through my mind, driving like a madwoman around town with my niece in the backseat, and just when I was about to call Kevin for backup, she comes back home, with her silly rolls in a bag and she just says she just needed the walk, that she'd missed it and she never got around to telling me where she went during all that time... I thought she was going through a mental breakdown, but after that day, she started reverting slowly back to normal.”

They both started their morning in silence contemplating what Kim had just said. Praying silently for the best outcome, ignoring Jay calls blowing up their phone.

~~~~~

When she left the district she had no idea where it would lead her, she thought she would be going home, but somewhere on her way there, she felt it was the wrong place for her to be. 

For starters this wasn't her home, it was Kim's home, and she had contributed to exiling Hailey from her own home, so her path led her to what she knew as home for the most part of her adult life, the streets of Chicago. 

She wandered on the cold pavement of the city, getting away from the big avenues and the bridges, those were for the people who commute from normal home life to normal work life, she felt like an imposter walking those streets, like the coating on her was finally crackling and everybody would see it, soon they would be pointing at her and laughing at her telling her to fuck off far away with the poor, the addicts and other indigents. 

This is how she ended up in the 24 hours donut shop where they would let the tweakers, the prostitutes, and other night dwellers hang there. 

But when she arrived there, she realized even that place had changed, not a total makeover but just a bit more shiny coating and a little less of street people. 

Still, she felt more at home here than anywhere else right now. 

She ordered a coffee from the exhausted cashier and sat down at a table by the window and finally could start to contemplate the catastrophic shit she got herself into.

In a week the life she had just started building for herself, the life she had just started believing in had come crashing like the fucking plane on 9/11. 

Without warning, all the sacrifices, the ghosting, the lying, the training, the classes, everything and more she had gone through, breaking into the Academy, breaking into Narcotics, breaking into Intelligence, making new friends... the whole thing was being taken away from her. 

She could hear voices, faceless people from her past in her head, mocking her, “Vanessa, the DCS kid who thought too big of herself”, “ You shoulda gotten yourself a man and a baby and make up for your own miserable childhood”. “ Did you really think these people could take you seriously?” What should she do now? She was very much thinking about disappearing, looking at the cars passing, she thought of the Coach station which wasn't far off, she could walk there and take the first bus out, burn through her cash and start a new life in an unknown place. The whole country was unknown to her, she had never been out of Illinois. She could start over as a nobody, anywhere else in the world. 

Walking down the streets she continues convincing herself she didn't have to come back to whatever her life was. They would understand and very soon forget about her. 

She would miss Hailey the most, and maybe Kim too since they had shown her kindness she never suspected existed. And Kevin of course, her first friend, who just accepted her as she was, the one person with whom just a look would suffice to know that they understand each other. 

There were so many destinations, some coaches going as far south as Georgia, some others to neighboring Canada. 

She wondered if she was more a girl who would thrive under the sun or any other southern climate? She didn't even know stuff like that about herself. Her whole life has just been a string of situations she had to endure. 

What if it's not a move out she needed, what if she needed to be reborn? Maybe she was paying for the sins of a former life? What if she could start it all back? 

Without realizing how, she finds herself on the express highway from which the buses were coming in and out of the town. It's deep into the night, the only thing she could hear was the wind and the cars speeding by. Her heartbeat slowed down as she looks down the overpass, what if that was it for her? Her life as a throwaway, maybe it was never meant for her to make it this far, maybe there's freedom in death. 

She wished for peace, then took in a deep breath. 

~~~~~

They were getting on the late side of the clock, using all excuses to linger more in the flat wishing for Vanessa to eventually come back, because if she doesn't, it means they will be clocking in and having to report her missing at that point. 

But suddenly the noise of a key introduced in the keyhole makes both women dart their eyes to the door, where a weary Vanessa appears nonplussed.

“For fuck sake Vanessa!!! Where have you been?? We've been so worried!”Their younger friend answers back with a faint smile, “I'm good, I just needed to walk, to clear my mind.”

“Where did you spend the night? It's freezing out there!”

“Not when you know where to go” she adds dryly, Kim and Hailey exchange a glance.

Something is clearly wrong with her. But again, how couldn't it be?

“You can tell us, whatever it is you need, you can count on us. We're gonna fight Voight's decision, he'll reinstate you.”

“Forget about that, it's all good. I need to get ready and leave for shift, I don't want to show up late on my first day on Patrol.” And with a forced smile, she heads to the bedroom to get ahold of fresh clothes and get ready for her new life on the 21st.


	14. The descent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanessa's life goes to s**t but the world doesn't stop spinning.  
> Her friends won't let her fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Filler alert!  
> Part 2 of the story is starting now, I have the next chapter ready, will post tomorrow or the day after!.  
> Enjoy.
> 
> ps. I'm a bit bummed Vanessa was written out of the show, so everything we will ever have from her is what we got. *sigh*

When Hailey parks in the district's parking lot, Jay is waiting for her in her usual spot, looking passably annoyed.  
Before she can get out of her car he motions her to stay put, that he is joining her in.

As soon as he settles in, he doesn't give her a moment to adjust to his energy and blurts“I tried calling you a dozen times! Can you not ignore me like that, please? I was worried!”  
Hailey wants to counter him but knows better than being confrontational just now “I... We had to deal with something, I'm sorry, what is it?”  
“I went over to your place earlier to check on you guys with what happened yesterday, but there was no one there... I kinda freaked out”  
Hailey blinks a couple of times looking puzzled, then realizes what he means.  
“Fuck yeah I'm sorry... when was it... The day before yesterday? We decided to stay longer at Kim's, I thought I told you.”  
“Well you didn't” he answers looking a bit hurt.  
“I'm sorry it's just... there's been so much going on.”  
“Yeah right” After a short silence he continues “Well this is actually what I wanted to talk about, I feel like we've given this enough time and chances to figure stuff out, but in light of what happened yesterday, I was thinking... don't you think we should try another go at convincing Vanessa to come clean about everything? Cause I'm having a hard time justifying to myself what we're doing here. She's is out of the unit, we don't have anything, sounds like a loss to me.”  
“I know... I know yesterday was bad and trust me I'm also thinking about it non-stop, but to be honest, I feel like if she was ever about to break, it would have been in the very first 48 hours... maybe. I don't think she'll walk it back now. She is clearly ready to pay the price of not coming clean with it, even if I don't understand all her reasons, but maybe it's time we stop fighting this.”  
“So we just let her being chewed up and spit out by Voight and lose her spot, and we just all move on with our lives?”  
“It's not what we're doing; I live with her, trust me I care, I see how it's eating at her, but I can also see how much she is trying to move past it, I'll keep on looking for an opening if any and if I see it I'll work it ok?” 

Jay couldn't find anything more to add, they've fought about it, they've negotiated terms around it, they've circled back and forth all kinds of options, they've sometimes even agreed about some details but right now he couldn't think of anything more to convince Hailey...If only he could talk directly to Vanessa; but he knew that meant ripping through Hailey's massive wall of protection around the young woman, and he wasn't sure he had the right tools to do that just yet. 

“So you were really worried hun?”  
It took a sec for Jay to catch the subtle jokey tone in Hailey's voice.  
“Not worried, I just don't like to sit in my car for nothing at 7 in the morning.”  
“Yeaaah right, get out of here !” laughing, they both exit the car and head for the bullpen in a lighter mood than any other day in a long while.

~~~~~~~~~

Vanessa had to come up with some made-up story for the girls to let her commute by train, but she needed to do this on her own, to find her rhythm in her new reality, and it wasn't like she didn't know her way around a subway.  
With her demotion came a loss of privileges, or at least some perks like borrowing impounded cars from the district garage; not long after she had joined the unit, Voight had let her rotate on a couple of ceased cars off books since she couldn't afford one on her own and insisted to never mention it again until she could afford one herself, but now that was off the table, and she made peace with that too. 

It's a little after 8 when dressed in her patrol uniform for the first time since she graduated from the Academy, she reports to the desk sergeant trying to look and sound ready and steady, even though she is stressed out of her mind.  
“Good morning Sergeant Platt, where do you want me today?”  
The desk sergeant took a few seconds to show explicitly how busy she was before answering  
“So let me see... and correct me if I got this wrong, but your Sergeant upstairs played god and decided to kick you from your little Mount Olympus last night without notice and expected me to have a perfect spot to fit you by dawn the next day? Is that right ?”  
“Hmm, I...”  
“Well I don't have anything open right now on patrol, but I heard good things about you and paperwork, so at least today I need you running inventory on the ceased goods from last week, everything, guns, knives, drugs, cars, and money, you can start with that and I'll look onto a spot I can fit you.”  
“Thank you, Sergeant.”  
Platt stops for a second and observes the young officer in front of her, the morning was actually pretty calm considering, so she really takes a moment to observe her, and is actually surprised to her looking so collected, unnaturally so, she'd expect any cop being demoted to look at least a bit bummed about it, but Vanessa looked like... she was happy about it? 

~~~~~~

For the last hour, Kim was trying to focus on their new case but was distracted by the apparent distraction of Hailey that morning, her colleague hadn't sat down once at her desk, and when she saw Hailey going through the mail pile, her attention was definitely stirred, why would anyone in their right mind volunteer to go through the mail unless literally forced to?  
“Looking for something?”  
Hailey barely startled, answers looking around them to make sure no one can hear her “I'm looking for a good reason to snoop downstairs to check on Vanessa...”  
“Huhu, and?” adds Kim knowing she doesn't really need an excuse to be downstairs at any given time.  
“And ask Platt to... maybe go easy on her,” she whispers.  
“You sure that's a good idea? You know this could backfire a hundred different ways, Platt would chop your head off, Vanessa would hate it, and Voight...”  
“Yes but we can not do anything, I think it's fair she eases back into the field as gently as possible, I'll just make up an excuse, say she's still not 100%, even Voight didn't clear her for field yesterday... Oh, that's gonna do it ! “ she grabs a letter from HQ addressed to the Desk Sergeant that ended up in their pile.  
“Well if you gonna do it anyway let me do the talking, you know she can't say no to me.”  
“Hey! Just say you think she likes you better!”  
“Haha it's just I have a way with her is all!” throwing a last look around the room they discreetly hurry downstairs before shit gets real on their side.

“What brings you two around ?” Platt asks without even looking up.  
“We found a letter addressed to you, I thought I'd bring it personally so it's not lost in the wrong bracket again,” announces Kim very seriously.  
Now the sergeant bullshit radar is sounding off and she looks at the two officers with suspicious eyes.  
“Ok then, thank you Detectives for this outstanding police work, don't know how this station would work without you two.”  
They look at each other, was Platt even in the right mood for this? Was she ever?  
Leaving the heavy lifting to Kim, Hailey snoops around to see if she could catch a sight of Vanessa if she wasn't already out on patrol.  
“So? What are you still doing here ?”  
“Well we were just wondering how is Vanessa doing ?” tries Kim prudently with a smile.  
“How is she doing? You mean since the last hour she started in patrol? What do you expect she is doing? Dismantling Cartels before lunch? “  
“Ok I'm not gonna beat around the bush, we were wondering If you could make sure she is affected to a beat that's not tooo... too crazy, you see she is still a bit hurt from an incident last week so..”  
“Oh! But of course, let me get out my non-dangerous Chicago map and find her the wonderland beat where the bad guys steal flowers in public parks. IS THIS THE BABYSITTER CLUB??? You go back up deal with whatever it is you guys do over there and you let me deal with my people the way I see fit, what about that?”  
Kim takes a step back and raises her hands to show she is leaving her in peace and both of them disappear upstairs knowing when to retreat when they obviously used all their luck with Platt for the foreseeable couple of years, they could not push it any further.

~~~~~~~~~

“Hold on before you go fallen angel, we received your all-clear from the HQ from the shooting 10 days ago. Actually, it was delivered upstairs a couple of days ago but your people never check the mail so... there it is. ”  
Vanessa's breathing is stuck in her lungs for a quick second, but she rapidly regains her composure and just says “Oh good, thank you. Anything else?”


	15. The Darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanessa makes new friends, looks to move on by moving out, but loses sight of what's right in front of her. But she finds a remedy for that.  
> Is her facade starting to crack?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that's a long one, but I couldn't figure out how to break it in smaller parts.  
> Hope you are still tagging along and appreciate the story!

It took Vanessa nearly three months to get an actual partner and a steady posting in patrol.  
After her first couple of days working the inventory, she started out filling in all kinds of odd hours and last-minute changes for cause of injury, sickness, births, and other unexpected events.  
She had to partner up with a bunch of different officers from the district and suffer the sneer remarks about her demotion. For a while she was the main character of Patrol life, everyone was speculating on how she ended up being transferred down to Patrol, it had happened before to Atwater and Ruzek but never longer than a few weeks, whereas in her case, it didn't look like she was about to be detailed back up any time soon, they even had filled up her position with a transplant from Homicide...it looked as if her former unit had forgotten about her.

The most trending rumor was about that infamous shooting from a few months prior now, word had it she hadn't been completely cleared from that incident and her penance had been her demotion.  
Others were even saying she had an affair with one of the detectives and got blackballed because of that, some others theorized that she was just lousy at her job, and after a while, she wasn't performing to Intelligence standards so they had to cut her off.  
But Vanessa didn't really mind; nothing could touch her, not after what she went through, she never cared. She just punched in as many hours as she could, was always the first to volunteer for all kinds of extra tasks, and was logging so much OT her sergeant had to give her mandatory time-off so others could also claim some.

The work had been a life-line for her, even if for whatever reason she always only inherited the most boring districts with the most boring calls, she succeeded in having a clear rate above everyone else in her shift, she even had drawn some positive attention to herself with a couple of busts above her rank, after those events, people were starting to talk about her with a bit more nuance, and eventually, her daily life improved a whole notch when she was partnered with a transplant named Amber Pao, another young recruit who had graduated from the police academy in Peoria, a smaller town in the southern part of Illinois, and had moved recently to Chicago.  
Her new partner didn't know anything about the 21st internal politics and she didn't look like one who would believe these gossips anyway.

“You're going right?”  
“Hmm? What?” answers Vanessa snapping out of her thoughts, “Going where?”  
“The Commendation ceremony, are you gonna go?”  
“I guess yeah... I don't really have a choice, do I?”  
“I don't know, it's not like graduation or anything...”  
Contemplating the letter they received, both Amber and Vanessa were being commended for outstanding services rendered to the community, when they inadvertently stumbled unto an unsuspected drug operation in a quiet neighborhood in Hyde Park and helped Narcotics take down a ring of housewives drug slingers.

“Personally, I never accomplished anything of that scale since I started so I won't say no to free breakfast, a medal, and a round of applause from the brass!” says Amber in a sing-song voice.

Vanessa absentmindedly agrees with her partner, she had an automatic kneejerk reaction when it comes to anything having to do with CPD bureaucracy, but then thought why not, after all, it would draw more attention than not if she doesn't go, and after all, it was just a short affair of a couple of hours and then everybody would all go back to their assignments and forget about it.

Truth is she was actually focusing on a whole other topic, she was expecting a couple of answers on flat applications she'd made at the beginning of the month and she had only received so far a string of nos, so she was directing all her hope on one of the cheaper listings she had applied to.

None of them have discussed again the living situation since the initial arrangement, they were always postponing it due to the insane amount of work they were all under.  
Intelligence had a couple of long undercover operations going on and Vanessa herself was burying herself in her work resulting in the three of them barely having time to be at the flat at the same time let alone wind down and discuss a subject as serious as that. Mostly because no-one had a reason to complain about it. But Vanessa has had enough of being the charity case, Kim had to sacrifice her living situation to help them out, Hailey was subletting her flat to a friend in the meantime, and both of them have insisted Vanessa only pay for utilities while they split the rent in two.  
This arrangement was very profitable to her but it made her feel worse than anything.  
Vanessa hadn't come so far to be another person's burden, therefore she was looking for her own flat so she could move out and automatically free Hailey to go back to her house if that's what she wanted, and for Kim to reclaim her space.  
So she was spending all her free time, forced and otherwise going to appartement sightings and sending applications but it wasn't as easy as she'd thought.  
The most significant downside she had to face with her demotion was a non-negligible loss of income, and even with her Overtime bonuses she couldn't make up for what she was making before in Intelligence, she had no seniority, no one to be her caution, not the most attractive last name, no husband or kids or anything of the sort so she was stuck at entry-level CPD pay, which was shit.  
She had thought being a civil servant would put one on top of the pile of good tenants, but the competition was fierce in these streets.  
The city was attracting a lot of new money and compared to the caste of young executives she was hardly a top choice.  
But she really needed this, she was harassing the rental agency every free moment she had but they were impliable, they said they would contact the eligible tenant that evening at 6 pm. A whole other hour to go.

~~~~~~

“Aaaargh !!! FUCK !”  
Kim runs panicked into Vanessa's room, the young woman was staring at her phone which she apparently just threw against the wall.  
“What is it?! What's wrong?” slowly coming back to her senses Vanessa walks a couple of meters separating her from her phone and picks it up to check if it was damaged then looks at Kim and says “Nothing, I'm sorry I startled you, just some news I was... wasn't expecting.”  
“Oh, nothing too bad I hope. Wanna talk about it?” says Kim relaxing a bit, observing her friend's blank face trying to go back to normal, feigning a smile; a look she was too accustomed to, there was no way Vanessa would actually tell her what was up as usual.  
“No, really it's nothing I'm sorry I caused all this commotion, please just forget about it, just a stupid idea I had. Anyway, want some help in the kitchen?”  
As usual, the poor deflection to something else, only works because the girls let her get away with it, but it was a lot... a lot of unanswered questions, a lot of angsty moods, a lot of staring at nothing, a lot of avoidance, and a lot of nightmares... they saw it all but every time they'd ask she'd deflect, pretend she had no idea what they were talking about, or just abruptly swaying conversation in a direction she preferred.  
They were letting her get away with it, but for how much longer?

Vanessa woke up the next day feeling even worse, she had barely slept through the night, which was her new normal any way, but that night she was pissed, she really thought this was the one, she couldn't wait to announce to her roommates she'd found a place to herself and move out.  
It was nothing against them, but lately, she started to feel like something was fishy in the atmosphere, she would hear them whisper things when they thought she wasn't around, or stop a conversation as soon as she was in the room. At first, she thought it was related to Intelligence work, where everything was supposedly confidential, but lately, she was starting to feel like they were talking about her, and how her presence wasn't welcome anymore. It reminded her of some of the places she lived in before, and it always starts this way, the whispers first, then the dismissal.  
But she was adamant not to be the victim of the situation this time she would be the one calling the shots.

~~~~~~~~

“Gosh Vanessa, want more coffee with that coffee ?” Amber welcomed her at City Hall that morning where the ceremony was taking place.  
“Hey! Don't start, I just … I'm exhausted.” Answers Vanessa without even looking up, still pouring coffee in her cup, “I thought you were deserting me, it's already past 8!!”  
“Yeah well, all that overtime will do that to you, and of course I wouldn't leave it to you to get all the credit! Did you save me a bagel or even a donut?” adds Amber circling around the buffet table to find some leftover food.  
It was 8 in the morning, and apparently, free breakfast was a good enough bait for the officers to be on time wherever you needed them, save for Amber which was getting famous for her tardiness, still not used to the city's traffic.

There were a couple dozen officers receiving medals for their work that day, queueing in the lateral side of the stage; the public was a mix of civilians, the family of the officers, and other police officers here to congratulate their colleagues, nothing too grandiose, but for some reason today the ceremony hall was packed.  
On the stage, the Mayor's team, some mid-level ranking officers detached from HQ, and some local press were scattered around the room.  
The ceremony was planned to start at 8.30 am sharp, reminded them a City Hall official “At 7.45 we open the buffet, then at 8.15 you're expected on the queue by the stage in alphabetical order, then you get on the stage collect your medal and a handshake and it's all over before you realize it.” That was the drill, always has been.

  
That day, if she hadn't been so bummed by the agency refusal and if she had slept better she would've clocked that some things were out of the ordinary.  
If she hadn't been so distracted, she would've seen how stressed two of their other patrol friends, officer Danielle Banks and Sarah Kassick who were permanently detailed to the City Hall perimeter were when they quickly came around to say hello, she would have clocked how tight the security and the execution of the ceremony had been thus far.  
If she hadn't hidden to her roommates her invite maybe they would've told her it was particularly fancy looking that year.  
Really, any of these occurrences would've prepared her better for what happened when it happened.

“We give thanks as a community to those who go out every day to complete the thankless tasks of keeping this city safe...”  
everything that followed this sentence was drowned in a sea of deafening burdening clogging her ears.  
She recognized the voice before she got to see the face.  
The way she was standing in the short queue was barring her view from him, but she knew nevertheless.  
Nausea was hitting her, her temperature rose to a hundred degrees in a second, her knees going weak, she feels like she needs to duck down like to escape a bullet, she needs out.  
Her breathing unsteady and ragged she staggers out of the lane, she needs to find a wall to help herself stand.  
After a short walk behind the stage, she finds herself a wall and slides down on the floor her cap in her lap, and untightening her tie while drenching in sweats struggling to breathe.

“Are you ok? Officer” A stage manager comes to check on her, her colleagues still in line don't show if they saw her leaving her position or not.  
“Should I call 911? Are you ok?” the man repeats.  
She starts coming back to herself; call 911? What for? They were 911.  
“No no no, no need, I'm ok. I just... I just humm I just hadn't had anything to eat, just a bit of hypoglycemia that's all.” the lie comes easy to her, if she wanted to have a shot at controlling what was happening she needed to keep this under wrap.  
“it happens yeah with all the standing and the waiting and the lighting... there let me get you some water.”  
Standing up she ponders about accepting it but quickly declines instead.  
“No need, really I'm ok, I'll get some later, they gonna call my name soon.”  
He insists a couple more times before letting her escape his care.  
“Officer! Officer!” she turns around ready to violently tell him to give her some space, but when she faces him, he presents her with her forgotten cap, gives it to her and doesn't wait for his thank you, and hurries back to his posting.

“Congratulations Rojas!” it's hard for her to process the shock of seeing all of intelligence minus Voight welcoming her when it's all over.  
“God! What are you all doing here?”  
“Did you really think we would miss the commendation of our rising star for anything in the world?” answers Ruzek.  
“But how did you...” she stammers, “How did we know the Superintendant and the Mayor were giving out the medals this year? Like how we know everything else, there's a police crisis at the moment so of course, they couldn't miss a free occasion to do some positive PR during the most boring police event of the year. ” says Kevin, then adds “No offense!” they all laugh and offer more congratulations, surrounded by her old team she feels overwhelmed and shitty for having thought she would get away with this, she wants out, she wants this to be over, she can't formulate a full sentence, and she hates the looks Hailey and Kim are throwing at her.  
“Vanessa, are you ok? You look like you've seen a ghost.” Hailey asks her very low when she levels to her.  
“I'm good! It's just I'm so surprised you all came, that's all.”  
“Yeah... about that, why wouldn't you tell us that..” but she is cut mid-sentence with Amber's interruption.  
“Vanessa, be a good partner and introduce me, is that's the famous intelligence gang ?”

How could this have happened?  
Vanessa was feeling trapped.  
The brouhaha of congratulations and shop chat had gone on for another 10 minutes then her former team had split to go back to their assignments, and herself and Amber drove back to their assigned district for that day.  
Amber was driving and chit-chatting her ears off with the excitement of their morning, asking questions on how each of the people of intelligence was as a person, but Vanessa couldn't focus on that.  
She was lost in a loop of terror from hearing his voice... seeing him...him calling her name...the mayor presenting her with her medal...him thanking her for her services...then the dump of shock when she realized her whole team was there, witnessing this.

Unbeknownst to the pair, Sergeant Platt had decided she couldn't in good faith detail them to sleepy neighborhoods, it would look fishy now that they've gone and received praise and medals for their work on the field. Whatever the reason was for Kim and Hailey to have had asked her this favor, she had done the best she could without raising red flags and without penalizing the young patrol-officers too much. But that was then and this is now.  
And this is how they received the call to the robbery in progress in a gas station in their beat.

“We caught a robbery? What the hell ?! This day just keeps on giving !” exclaims Amber, excited at the idea of seeing actual action and not just stumbling upon it by accident.

An hour later at the precinct, they were being dismissed for the day.  
They'd come in too late and by the time they made it to the gas station the clerk and two clients had been gunned down, they were then ropped in a short car chase that ended up in their car crashing in another car while the offenders got away until some tac-team finally got them.

They tried to fight Platt's dismissal off but she was unmovable.  
“You've done enough for the day, go take a breather and come back tomorrow.”  
“But we can still...”  
“Let it go, Pao, there are enough cops in this city to keep it running in your absence trust me.”  
“We're so sorry about the car.” She tries then, thinking Platt was punishing them for totaling it.  
“This has nothing to do with the car, you saw death today, and I don't want to have hyped up adrenaline-rushed cops patrolling the streets and being trigger happy because they're jumpy. Just take the afternoon ok? Did you pay attention to the superintendent this morning? This is new policy.”  
The dead bodies were the first thing that snapped Vanessa out of her misery. More suffering, more violence.  
It had helped her power through the last couple of hours, but once again she feels punished by her sergeant, after all that, the last thing she needs, is more free time to herself, but she's got no choice.  
It was in moments like this when she'd hope she had her own car, or her own flat so she could just get in there and lose it.

She wants to scream, to bounce off the walls, to break things, to hurt herself.  
It was untenable. She couldn't fit into her own body.

“Let's go for a drink tonight, I think we need it, or I'll never be able to put this day behind me. And everybody will be there!”  
“What?” Amber had just dropped her off at Kim's, it was not long after 3 pm.  
“I said everybody is going out tonight to celebrate this morning or whatever, and we definitely need it too, I can pick you up around 9 ?”  
“Molly's?”  
Amber looks at her like she had just suggested the most boring place possible, “No, not Molly's the other one... what's it called, The Tavern? I hear it's where everybody goes.”  
Vanessa was in no mental space to concentrate on this conversation when suddenly she starts realizing this was a good idea, an excellent idea.  
“Count me in.”  
She could at least drink her sadness away.

As expected in the middle of the afternoon there was no-one home, everything was so still and so silent.  
After pondering for a few minutes how to ground herself instead of killing herself, Vanessa decides for a bath.  
The scalding hot kind.  
She holds onto every single bit of sanity she has left until she is sitting in there and finally let go.

She is not crying, she is keeping the promise she made to herself, he doesn't get any more of her tears, but god is she screaming.  
She plants her nails in her thighs, she stays too long underwater, she pulls at her hair, and when there's nothing left in her, she just lays there, for hours.  
How could she have let herself walk straight into the lion's den? The only reason she was so okay with her position in Patrol was that it was unlikely she'd have to deal with top brass anytime soon. It would be her, and her colleagues, the beat, the silly offenses, her desk sergeant, the cold, the wind, the snow, and repeat.  
It wasn't supposed to be this way.  
But she had been so distracted, ignored all the signs, now all coming back to her, the packed room, all the press, the fancy invitation, everyone buzzing about it like never before. Had she talked about it with Kim or Hailey, they would have known, they would have told her this was a special one. But she hadn't, she set herself up again, like a stupid dear caught in flashlights.  
She never learns.  
He called out her name as he owned it, she felt like she was filled with lead while she walked the small distance to the podium.  
He was a lot taller than she remembered, he was taking a lot more space than she wanted him to.  
She never looked at him in the eyes, but she could feel his eyes tearing holes in her, she knew he would be smiling and it would have eaten her soul.  
The whole ordeal must have lasted 30 seconds, but she could see it happening frame by frame, over and over again frozen forever in the horror of being at his mercy.

~~~~~~~~~

When they park at the Tavern they can see it's packed.  
Both Amber and Vanessa were in a party mood, arguably not for the same reasons, but in a party mood nonetheless.  
For better or worse she will drink her sorrows away and it was long overdue.

“Hey! You started without us!” Shouts Vanessa to Sarah who was way underway into a solid hangover the next day, she and her partner Danielle were going through a line of tequila shots like it was spring break.  
“No look we got you those!” Sarah extends them a couple of shots when the girls finally squeeze themselves into their spot at the bar.  
“To the realest baddest police of Chicago!” Danielle shouts and they all down their drinks and order another round.

“Soooo Vanessa you have to tell us about that intelligence team of yours, everyone was so jealous they all came to congratulate you!”  
“Yeah, is everything about Voight true? Does he really have a black site in the precinct?”  
They could hardly hear each other, but alcohol helping, Vanessa starts ditching some harmless details about her old team.  
“But you know one of them right?” asks Sarah to her partner Danielle, “Don't you know the one whose dad is on our district?”  
“Ruzek? Yeah, I started out in his dad district cause our dads knew each other from the job, and we basically grew up a street apart in Canaryville.”  
“I thought there were only white people in this part of town.” Amber interrupts, still new to Chicago's demography.  
“Well my mom is White and grew up there, my dad moved in when they got married and he enrolled the same year as Ruzek senior in the force. It's not like we're tight or anything, but yeah I know him.”  
Vanessa now losing interest in the conversation is starring at her drink, cursing it cause she wasn't getting wasted as fast as she wanted, she was still too tethered to real life, she needed to forget.  
“You look like you need some cheering.”  
A couple of faceless, nameless guys interrupt her brooding, looking friendly and no doubt cops, like most of them, young recruits from all over town were there tonight.  
“You do not like you could cheer me up tho... so”  
The two guys clapped each other back saying things like “ooooh...sick burn”, then turning to the rest of the little gang, quickly introduce themselves and shout to the bartender, “Get these girls, oh sorry women, a round of whatever they're having, and 2 beers our way!”. The 4 female cops look at each other, communicating silently seeing if they're agreeing or not at this invasion of space, and after a few seconds, they let them join their little group. They looked okay enough and were buying them drinks unprovoked. And this wasn't the kind of day where you refuse free drinks.

It was now around 11 pm and Sarah was the first one to call it, she could hardly stand at that point, so they put her on a Lyft and prayed she wouldn't puke on the poor guy's car then went back to their drinking.

“Where is Vanessa?” Danielle asks after some time without seeing their colleague, she and the two guys had disappeared.  
“Amber, hey have you seen Vanessa?” she squeezes Amber arm, who is fighting off sleepiness.  
“I think she left with that guy, the cute one, or maybe she went to the bathroom, she told me something but I can't remember.”  
“I'm gonna look for her, stay here, do not go anywhere ok?”  
Danielle goes around the bar 2 times before finally seeing the small frame of Vanessa towered by the two guys. Whatever was happening here doesn't look too good, they were all cops here, and hookups sometimes happened, it was frowned upon but no rules could ever prevent young people with unlimited access to alcohol to hook up wherever the lights were dimmed.  
But one girl two guys? In this business? Not the best look.  
“Girl, we've been looking for you,” says Danielle with a wide smile and a pressing look, “Amber and I are ready to leave” she improvises, “Come on we'll share the ride home.”  
“But I'm not leaving, you can just go, I'm staying a bit longer.”  
“No I don't think that's a good idea, come on I need your help with Amber, she has an even lower tolerance than Sarah has...”  
“I said I'm staying...we're having a discussion.” The two guys are standing there, not wanting to get in the middle of something, but eventually one of them says, “ She's a big girl, let her be, I'll make sure she makes it home safely!”  
“What he said” adds the other one.

It was a tricky situation, she doesn't want to alienate fellow colleagues for no reason, she grew up blue, both sides, she knew everything about everyone who was everyone in this part of town. But she doesn't know them, and maybe that's a good thing actually.  
Vanessa doesn't look like she could take good care of herself right now, even if they weren't that close at the end of the day it was girl code, she doesn't want her friend to wake up to regrets and a reputation the next day.

“Hey tell you what, don't be such a cop, come on let me get you to drink and we can all chill together,” says the second guy putting an arm around her.  
“Just for the record I don't swing that way, so thanks but no thanks.”  
She tries to profit from the situation to grab Vanessa by the elbow and drive her out of there, but she disengages herself, and tells her again she isn't leaving.  
People were starting to stare.  
Danielle knows better than creating a scene, she needs some help and the only one she could count on was really wasted too, but there was no way in hell she would ever let Vanessa leave this place alone with one of these guys.  
Ranting and fuming she tries to make Amber come with her to get her partner and leave.

“Call that Ruzek guy then.”  
“What?” Amber struggling to make sense, repeats “Call Ruzek, tell him we require reinforcements” she giggles, “He can maybe convince her to not go do both of these guys”.  
“Come on you're making zero sense, I'll get you some water so you can start to sober up and I'll go get your partner and we all leave together.”

Vanessa is in the best mood, she finally is in a good place, a place of total mental numbness. For the first time in months she feels like her old self, or at least not like her new self, she feels like a normal person having fun.  
She let the two guys get too close, she laughs at their shitty jokes, let them brag about their work as if she wasn't twice the cop they were, and let one of them touch her arms and back way too much. But she doesn't care, it feels good.

“Do you wanna go somewhere else?”  
She knows what this means, and she is very very tempted, until that point she never really thought about it, but the prospect of fucking the darkness out of her was starting to sound like a good idea.  
But she doesn't want the second one to tag along, that was super weird. Not her ways.

“Yeah but just the two of us right?”  
“I mean, he is my buddy, we live together so...”  
That wasn't ideal, she doesn't want to do that, but she can't really think straight now, his hands are already on the small of her back trying to lead her out and hiding her from her friends.

“Mmh I don't know, maybe I should tell my friends then, give me a minute.” But they knew that if she makes it to her friends they would never let her leave with them.  
“Tommy will tell them, you can come with me to the car and...”  
“No I have to get my stuff and tell the girls I'm leaving” she is slurring her words, she tries to move out of the small space in which they had cornered her, but they won't let her, she can hardly stand on her own, and she can't see Amber or Danielle from where she is.  
“Come on don't be like that, we're between us, it's fine just let's get out of here.”  
Vanessa was starting to feel slightly annoyed, she couldn't panic per se because she had no way of assessing the danger of the situation... if she was half as drunk maybe... but now, she just wanted to let her friends know, that's it. But now she was floating, someone was carrying her from the floor.

“I think that's about far enough.”


	16. The Tequila

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanessa drinks too much and it has some unintended... effects, making it harder to hide how her life is unraveling.

When Ruzek had pulled up he didn't know what to expect.  
He was familiar with Danielle, but they wouldn't usually talk to each other outside of some family function, she was more like a cousin than a friend.  
She had just texted _«I need your help with something can you meet at The Tavern ASAP? Will owe you. Deedee.»_  
He tried to maintain a healthy level of concern, but he didn't like the tone, what if she was hurt or in danger.  
So he was quite surprised when he found Danielle sitting under the bar's porch with a girl whose head was rolling sideways, looking somewhat worked up.  
« Thanks for being so quick. »  
« I was over at Molly's it's just a few blocks down,” He says looking around them to see what granted that SOS. Still scanning their surroundings he nervously asks “What is it? She hurt? You need a ride? »  
« Oh no, it's not us who need help, but Vanessa, she is inside being all ganged on by two newbies, who seem not too familiar with personal space... she is drunk out of her mind and, yeah I don't trust them with her, but she wouldn't leave. Can you scoop her up, please? She'll thank us tomorrow.”

It nearly took a second for Adam to understand which Vanessa she was talking about but looking back at the second woman he recognizes her as Vanessa's new partner Amber something from out of town.

“Ok here are my car keys, take her inside and sit tight, I'll get Rojas.”

When in the bar he couldn't figure out how to find her, it was packed and steamy and noisy.  
After a few minutes, firmly planted in a position where he could see at a 360° angle, someone bumps heavily into him, he fights the urge to curse the person out but decides against it when in the corner of his eyes he recognizes the frame of his former teammate.

He calls her name a couple of times but she doesn't seem to hear him, and the two guys lifting her don't seem to stop either.

He pushes through the crowd with difficulty to catch up with them.  
“I think that's about far enough.”

The two men take a second to localize who was talking and to whom.  
“Do you have a problem pal?” says one of the two.  
“I don't think she wants to walk in that direction, _pal_ ”.  
“I don't hear her complaining so...” he motions for Ruzek to move out of their way, while his friend still holding firmly on to a very drunk Vanessa was trying to bypass the interference.  
“I know that you don't know who you are talking to, this is why I'm being extraordinarily lenient here, but word of advice don't push me, 'cause you don't want to see me push back.” 

They start to eye each other uncertain, not really ready to go to war over the girl.  
“How do we know you know her hm?”  
“Come on Rojas, let's get you home”  
For the first time since the beginning of the exchange, Vanessa starts to show hints of lucidity.  
“Ruzek, what are you doing here? You came to party with us?” she says slurring all her words, “Let me introduce you to my new friends...” she tries to focus and remember their names, but she can't.  
“Come on I'll drive you home” he reaches to her and takes on the place of the guy who was trying to get her to leave with him, and steadies her, and starts to walk her towards the outside.  
“No but I don't want to leave, I want to stayyyy”  
“You heard the lady, she doesn't want to follow you.” He hears from the guy still trying his luck.  
Now the very small amount of patience Adam had in the first place was quickly running out of his system, he steps into the taller guy's face ready to jump him, people are starting to pay attention, he doesn't want to have to fight these baby police in this bar.  
After a few more seconds of the suspended head to head, the guy friend says “ Come on she isn't worth it.”  
That nearly set Adam off, but he needs to take the win while it's still clean, so he turns his back and repeats to his friend, “Let's go, your friends are waiting for you.”  
He feels a bit assholy ordering her around, but if Danielle felt like she needed a hand sorting this situation so he was gonna do just that.

“Thank god, we can finally fuck off”, exhales Danielle as soon as they're out.  
She is standing by Adam's car where Amber was dozing her booze off in the back seat.  
“I can drop you guys off first and that one last.”  
“Thank you really pulled it off.”

~~~~~~~~~  
Whatever Adam was expecting when he received the message was the furthest possible from this scenario, he actually didn't really think about specifics, Danielle was like family if she asks for help if he can he pulls up no questions asked, but to find Vanessa in this state? Of all people, the girl was known to be always tidy with irreproachable behavior and not famous for heavy drinking or serious partying, at least not in this lifetime, it was very unusual... but for all intents and purposes it hasn't been a normal day, he had seen her and her partner this morning receiving a medal at 9 a.m that morning, and then heard them on the city-wide radio call for the deadly shout-out at a gas station, which had been one of the hottest calls of the day.

“Thanks again, Adam! Be safe out there! Oh and don't tell her I told you, but your mom's been complaining to my mom that you never call her! So call her? And get that girl some water!” Danielle shouts her infinite goodbyes and heads home. 

During all this time Vanessa's head is laying against the window in the passenger seat, he can't tell if she is awake or not, but in any case, the fresh air must help her feel better, not needing the advice, he stops quickly at a convenience store to get her water and prays she doesn't puke on his car. But when he comes back he can see she is now awake.

“Hey hey, feeling better?” he says handing her the water.

Looking at the water bottle like it was the enemy, she obverses it for some time then ends up taking it and chugs some water slowly getting back to a normal level of drunkenness. 

“Let's get you home now,” he says in getting back behind the wheel, the night was still pretty young and he was pondering if he should be writing to Kim or Hailey or if that was a breach of trust of Vanessa. Although, she wasn't the one who asked for help in the first place...

“THE FUCK YOU DOING!”  
If he wasn't a steadier driver the car would have swerved into the pavement, Vanessa was leaning on him trying to kiss him on the neck with a hand on his thigh.  
Adam hits the brakes and pulls over in a double line.  
“You said to go home, I'm just starting the fun early” she answers with a seductive voice.  
Ruzek horrified tries to put as much space as possible between him and her. She looks relentless.  
“Come on, don't be like that... it doesn't have to mean anything, I just want to have fun.”  
Really wanting to minimize contact with her, he ends up grabbing her by the wrists and gather them back on her knees.  
“Vanessa, you're drunk, you will be very embarrassed tomorrow when … if you remember this.  
But THIS? This is not happening, not like that, not now, not ever! OK?”.

He stops here and let his sentence resonate in the car. He feels her loosen back onto her seat, she rolls the window all the way down and let her head rest on her arm hanging half outside like a teenager on a coming of age movie.  
Adam takes in a deep breath, and blinks repeatedly before starting to drive in a new direction, he was too afraid of what could happen again if he drops her off at her building, so instead, he drives to Molly's to see if the girls can take her home.

~~~~~~~~~

“Don't ask... just... she is dr-unk.” he mouthes as soon as they make it into the bar.  
Guiding her from behind, his hands on her shoulder keeping her at arms length, he sits her at the bar right between Kevin and Hailey. 

Everybody holds back their laughter, she is fairly cute, slurring words and trying to get Hermann to serve her another drink, but the whole team shakes their head while she isn't watching.

“Ok, I think that's our cue.”  
“Yeah, you better get going... like now.” Quickly adds Adam, seeing she was already eyeing the fire-men in the booth behind.  
“What do you..?” Kim asks her eyes jumping from Adam to Vanessa to the booth.  
“Long story, just get her home before she jumps someone else”.

“Vanessa our ride is here,” says Kim softly pressing her arm, but Vanessa pulls away abruptly.  
“I'm not ready to go.”  
Now nobody is really laughing anymore, something is going on here. 

“Come on girl, let's grab some pizza on the way back home-”

“I'm not going anywhere” she sits up and crosses her arms, “Not with you anyway.”

“Okay, whatever is going on here we can discuss it later when you sober up, come on.” Intervenes Hailey, trying to de-escalate whatever was going on here.  
“I'm nooooot go-ing any-where with youuu.” She says in a sing-song voice, backing away from her friends until she reaches the door, where she storms out of the bar in nothing but her top.  
Hailey exchanges a look with Kim, then turning to the rest of their group, “Don't worry I got it.”  
But something tells her she doesn't get it at all. 

Hurrying outside she finds Vanessa hugging herself trying to hail a taxi staggering on the pavement. 

“You're gonna catch your death! At least come get your jacket, and we can-”  
“Oh for fucks sake Hailey! Leave me alone!”  
“What's gotten into you? We can talk about it.”  
“WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO ME?! OH MY GOD! I MUST BE HALLUCINATING!”  
“ Did something happen?”  
“Everything happened! Everything already happened! And it's your fault... It's all your fault! 

She starts walking away from Hailey at a surprisingly assured pace, but Hailey runs after her and tells her “Ok if you want to be on your own I can't force you to stay with us, but at least take my jacket or you will die from the cold.” she had to try something, anything not to break the communication. 

Vanessa stops and looks at Hailey with disdain “ You are not my mum. Got it?” “ Not-my-mum-” she enunciates pounding all her words. She stares at Hailey to make sure her words are landing the way she intended, but then her eyes lose focus and she starts laughing and repeating “ I never had a mum... I never had a mum... I never had a mum...” and she finally breaks down and slides on the cold pavement, tears streaming down her eyes, still hugging herself looking like a child. 

Hailey breathes in and as heartbreaking as this scene was, at least now she could finally take lead.  
Giving Vanessa another minute to be alone with her pain, she then sits down and hugs her with one arm.  
She can see in the periphery of her eyes that someone is close to them... realistically Kim but she doesn't want to break the moment and actually check.  
After a couple more minutes she helps Vanessa get up, and they silently walk back to the entrance of the bar where Kim is waiting for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I struggled a bit getting this one out. 
> 
> I was feeling some kind of way because I got all worked up about the reception of my story ( i have no ships, I'm writing for a not really popular character who is already written out of the show and other reasons, mostly my own anxiety), but I got some help getting over that thanks to the AO3 FB group, it reminded me that if I'm writing for kudos and hits, I'm not in this business for the right reasons.  
> It was enlightening. 
> 
> Anyway hope the ones sticking with me down this road are enjoying the ride.  
> The next chapter should be posted rather soonish.  
> Thank you !


	17. The Cabin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a cozy little weekend for the girls, it's remote, there's snow, a fireplace, and wine.  
> Why does it have to go oh so dark?

_“Can you meet me at Molly's tonight?”  
“Could be very late they're working me to death.”  
“I'll wait.” ___

__Kim checks the clock, it's still early, she isn't finished with her report yet, and Hailey was out on loan for a quick takedown with her old robbery-homicide unit who needed seasoned cops for a case.  
The detailing needed to document her undercover assignment was very demanding, it will surely help pass time, but her mind kept on wandering back to her conversation with Trudy earlier that day._ _

__XXXXXXXXX_ _

__

__“Trouble in paradise?” Platt says while Kim is walking by the main desk.  
Kim looks around her to see if she was talking to somebody else, then asks “What?”  
The sergeant motions her to move closer and bends her head towards Kim saying, “You know how I'm not one to gossip-” she quickly raises a hand to stop Kim's already thought rebuttal, “But it looks like you're going to be an empty nester soon.”  
“What?! Trudy, please it's too early for this!” She stares at her older friend with annoyance, she has a hectic day ahead of her.  
“Every day I wonder why we give you people a badge and a gun and call you Detective.” she says rolling her eyes; “I heard your little protegee has been asking around for sublets or rentals, I figured you were done with your little Powerpuff gang days now.”  
“Vanessa's moving out?” But she doesn't need an actual affirmation, she knows it must be true, it would explain so many things.  
The crafted distance and the silent treatment Vanessa was putting on recently... It all makes sense now. For some reason she was done with “this”, whatever that was, and they obviously didn't realize it sooner.  
Playing back the last couple of weeks back in her head she climbs up in the office and sends Hailey a text._ _

__XXXXXXXXXXXX_ _

__

__“I'm so sorry it's just crazy what they're having me do, do they think because we're in Intelligence we're made out other stuff than the others?! And I thought Voight was already working us to death!” says Hailey as soon as she joins her at the bar.  
It's not as late as she thought it would be but she really had to wrap up a long day without any break._ _

__“It's okay I've been busy too.”  
They share some hellos with Stella who was tending the bar that night and after Hailey gets her drink she turns to Kim and asks “So what is this about? Vanessa?”_ _

__Arguably, it was an easy guess, it was just 3 days since they brought an extremely disorderly drunk and angry Vanessa back home, put her to bed and fed her Advils and toasts to help expunge her alcohol, and took turns checking on her during the night to make sure she wasn't gonna drown in her own vomit, to wake up to a person who was vehemently affirming she couldn't remember anything from the night before, and oddly since then, had been on her best behavior, a lot more agreeable than the last couple of weeks, almost like being non-confrontational will help not bring up her outburst again._ _

__“She is looking to move out, did she tell you anything about that?” spills Kim, hoping that maybe she had confided in Hailey.  
“Oh...No I had no idea... How do you...?”  
“Platt told me, apparently she's been asking around for different accommodations... and now that I think about it, she's been very jumpy around phone calls lately, so it must have been a little while already...”  
They both sip their drinks in silence for a minute,  
“I mean, she's her own person, she can move out if she feels like it...” but the end of Kim's sentence hangs in suspension._ _

__They both know that she is in no shape for caring for herself right now.  
Indeed, their arrangement hadn't been discussed anymore since the beginning and for sure there's some room to improve or change things, but they really thought Vanessa was getting the better end of that stick.  
They tried to unload as much as possible the financial burden from the younger woman, making sure she doesn't have to chip in for the rent, that there's always food at home, that she was at least sleeping some, and not abusing any kind of substances, they even had asked Platt not to dispatch her to the wolves of the streets of Chicago.  
Of course, all of this wouldn't make up for everything she was going through, but knowing they were living together helped them keep an eye on her._ _

__“If she had told me a couple a days ago I wouldn't even have found the arguments against it, but after that last time??” Hailey blurts as if she was finishing her inner thoughts out loud.  
“We have to talk to her, she needs to talk to us, or to a professional but this cannot go on forever...”  
“You know she won't go to a shrink! See how she's been acting since that day? Literally pretending it never happened, she's been in total denial for months... and all of a sudden she lashes out after that one night where she's had too much to drink?”  
“I know... I know...we can't go on like this, we have to talk to her, I'm worried, very worried.” Concludes Kim swirling the bottom of her drink._ _

__“What's with the long face officers?” interrupts Stella after a while, she had seen the two policewomen whispering with grave looks and left them some space to discuss whatever they needed to discuss, but it was stronger than her, she needed to check on them and see if she could help in any capacity._ _

__“Oh girl I don't even know where to start” answers Kim in a lighter tone, she wasn't gonna spill anything but she wasn't in a lying mood either.  
“It's just... Piles of shit piling on more piles of shits.” she lazily extends her arm for her to refill her drink.  
“Hum... I don't know what you're dealing with, but I know what can help.”  
“More booze?” offers Hailey, downing her own drink as well.  
“A weekend out of town! This is exactly what you guys need. It's become something of a tradition at 51. But don't let the boys in on it... just make it a girl getaway, I can give you a nice recommendation by Lake Geneva, it's a frozen wonderland, you'll love it, nothing else to do but build a fire and drink tequila.”  
“Oh please do tell...”_ _

__XXXXXXXXXX_ _

__

__And this is how a few days later the three women are all packed up in a car driving up to a cabin by the lake.  
The way things were just a few days ago it was nothing short of a miracle, but they had pulled through anyway.  
They all had racked up an impossible amount of vacation days and after a bit of back and forth, they had succeeded in having a full weekend plus the Monday off to get away per Stella's advice._ _

__“Did you guys ever been out here?” Asks Vanessa after an hour of pretending to sleep in the back seat.  
“I have, not here exactly but we used to camp out around Lake Michigan quite a lot when I was a kid, it was a thing we did a lot with my mom and my sister.” Kim answers first, then turning to Hailey, “Wow you couldn't pay my dad enough to leave Greektown once we moved there. I have barely left the city until I went off to college. But I did have my fair share of getaway weekends with some friends then, what about you?”  
“I never really left the city... this is maybe the furthest I have ever been to,” Vanessa answers looking out the window._ _

__It was the end of winter, which still meant heavy snowfalls in the country, the view was just breathtaking, not like the snow in the city, this was different, everything was so still and beautiful.  
It made her forget about everything else, maybe this was real life? Maybe she could find a house in the country and stay there and be happy._ _

__“Okay, I think we're there...” Kim announces starting to park the car in the alley by the small cabin they were renting out.  
“It's so cuuuute! I love it !!!” screams Vanessa, emoting a lot more than any of the last few days._ _

__They get out of the car and collect the key locked in a lockbox, and they bring in their bags.  
“This is purrr-fect!”  
“True but it's freezing! Who knows how to start a fire?”  
Kim just raises her hand but adds “But you gotta help me get some wood in!”_ _

__

__Following Stella's sound advice they had brought a ton of food and even more alcohol.  
The first hours of getting around and setting up the place had kept them all busy, but now they were all sitting in the living room, with the fire roaring and some wine it all starts to feel a lot more homely.  
None of them could remember when was the last time they had some downtime and this was extremely welcomed._ _

__“I hope nothing crazy happens to us while out here, cause the stories the girls over at Fire told me happened to them when out in the wild... I do not have that in me today!”_ _

__Even though they had vowed they wouldn't talk about work, but thanks to a single anecdote they end up talking shop and exchange the latest news from their departments.  
Kim who had worked in the district the longest had the best stories and all the good gossips on their friends and colleagues.  
Vanessa was earnestly laughing for the first time in a long long time and feeling connected to the people around her.  
Lately, she would find herself participating in conversation like it was through a looking glass, or like she was wrapped in a plastic bubble around rooms and people.  
The only time she ever feels connected is on the Beat, when she's working she's sharper than ever, but as soon as the action dies down, she'd feel herself revert back in the bubble... just a little bit.  
So it was refreshing for her to be with the girls tonight, all sharply aware of the elephant in the room, but somewhat too gracious to pop that bubble just now._ _

__

__XXXXXXXX_ _

__

__The next day they eat a quick breakfast and pack some food for a long walk in the forest, “I never thought I'd ever do something like that, voluntarily going out to walk in the fucking snow in March somewhere in Illinois.” Vanessa pretends she is complaining but in truth, she hasn't felt this good in forever.  
The nature was breathtaking, and it looked so pure and infinite and peaceful and uncorrupted.  
They walk for hours before the falling night catches up with them._ _

__

__XXXXXXXX_ _

__“Let's fucking dance!” that evening, too exhausted to cook, they have what some would call a liquid dinner.  
“I got the booze, put on some music, and let's dance!” shouts Vanessa back from her shower with a towel wrapped around her hair while dancing to yet non-existing music.  
“Ok, I got you!” Answers Hailey joining her and moving her body in sync, grabbing the first phone she sees to put it on the receiver, blasting some party playlist from one of their Spotify accounts._ _

__

__“I am officially too old for this shit”! declares Vanessa while dramatically letting herself fall onto the floor, her limbs spread like a star.  
“Oh my Goood you're such a troll! If YOU are old then we must be corpses by now.”  
The girls all slump down on the floor one after the other on top of her, after an hour of dancing and shouting lyrics all over the little living room they are completely dead.  
“And I'm not even mentioning the hangover expecting us tomorrow.” They all one-up each other with the expected scale of the hangover for the next day when Vanessa tries to wiggle out of their bodies.  
“Move over, and one of you is vibrating on me,” she says with ragged breathing._ _

__Hailey rolls on herself and grabs her phone from her joggings pocket, “I honestly doubted we would get decent network here” she says trying to compose herself and to dissimulate a smile._ _

__Kim and Vanessa look furtively at one another._ _

__“What?” Hailey asks feeling the suspiciously silent atmosphere around her.  
“No, nothing.” Answers Kim not even trying to be believable.  
“No, don't give me that, I saw the look !”  
“Well if you insist... That was Jay right?”  
“So what if it was?”  
“As I said, nothing... just we're not the ones blushing when we receive texts from our partners… OUCH! That was totally uncalled for!” screams Kim trying to escape Hailey's kicks.  
“That's excessive use of force Detective!” Adds Vanessa laughing still laying on her back on the floor.  
“You're one to talk Mrs nearly Ruzek!”  
“That's soooo off-limits Hailey!” shouts Kim throwing her a cushion, which misses her target, and goes to strike a bottle of wine on the floor.  
“Don't kill the wine !” finally, Vanessa finds the strength to move, “I'm saving the wine, you people can fight over the boys but don't waste perfectly good cheap wine!”_ _

__After a couple more rounds of hysterical laughs, the girls, panting, finally start to get their breathing back to normal._ _

__“No, but for real, Hails, you and Jay? Is it happening?”  
“How many times do I have to tell you? There is nothing there. Nothing is happening.”  
she can feel her face burning red, but she can't control it, she thinks she isn't lying but then why was she feeling so wrong?  
“Hailey... you can talk to us, you know that right?”  
“It just... I don't know, he just sent me a text to check on us, saying he gets worried if I don't give him news every few hours... is that normal behavior?” it was a rhetorical question, she wasn't expecting an answer, and the girls wouldn't risk to cut her off since she is willing to talk about it for once.  
“Sometimes... I don't know... it feels like you know...like having a boyfriend, but without actually having one, I don't know it fucks me up a bit.”  
“How so?”  
“I don't know, you know how he can be, like super soldier Jay and always up in my business, but it changes all the time, sometimes it's like that but whenever I try to show some... I don't know reciprocity? He pulls all the way back and so I mimic him and give him some space, everytime I think this is it, I was a pushover and he wants to put some distance, so I give him that, but then he pulls another 180 and... I don't know anymore.” Her voice breaks down a little, she feels so...“ Oh my God! I feel so pathetic it's ridiculous.”  
“No no no don't say that, we've all been there. All of us.” says Kim reassuringly, “But have you ever told him ?”  
“Told him what? Sometimes when you look at me I feel like fainting? GROSS !” She grimaces saying it, realizing, saying it out loud, that it actually how he makes her feel.  
“ Gosh! You got it hard! Try telling him “When I look at you I feel like eating your face!”  
“Oooor, hear me out, send him nudes!”  
“Vanessaa!!! You're unbelievable! Remind me never to let you alone with my phone you sneaky-”  
“No but for real, just tell him you're wondering if there could be more between you guys? And go from there.”  
“And risk it all?”  
“All what?”  
“All we have?... I don't know, I don't wanna lose it, even if it's just an illusion.”  
“I think you deserve a lot more than hot and cold Halstead whenever he feels like it, you shouldn't let him treat you like that.”  
“He is not treating me like anything… I don't know, maybe it's already too late, we've been on a pretty bad way lately...” her sentence ends up lost in the ether, and against her will, her eyes float from Vanessa to Kim, and then she says nothing._ _

__“Hum I'm fucking starving so I'm gonna fix us some grilled cheese Ok? To soak up all of that booze, so you guys can act like adults again!” Vanessa jumps on her feet like a bedspring and walks quickly to the kitchen without daring to look back. She knew too well why Jay and Hailey's relationship had been rocky this past couple of months, so better stops this now before it goes to a place she can't control._ _

__But this wasn't her lucky day.  
How could it have been? She'd been holed-up with the girls for the last 36 hours in this cabin in the middle of nowhere, after months of dodging their looks, and questions and even the most basic interaction as much as possible, initially, she'd wanted to say no to this trip, but they had already made sure she couldn't bail on them, she was having a bad feeling about it all, like they were trying to soften the blow before telling her they were tired of her, of her moods and everything else.  
So her strategy was simple, make sure everyone stays at the very least inebriated enough for them not to get to the serious stuff until they're back in the city. Then she could double back on her effort, and very soon tell them she has already thought it all through and that she is ready to move out._ _

__Pulling another bottle of wine from the cooler, she walks into the living room with a plate of sandwiches in one hand and the bottle in the other, ready to keep this little party going, it was still early, but when she sees both Kim and Hailey hunkered down by the fire, their backs to her, her heart misses a bit. She can hear them talking about her._ _

__“Let me know if I'm bothering you, I can maybe go for a walk or...” she can feel her blood boiling a bit, nothing feels as shitty as walking-in into people talking about you behind your back.  
“Vanessa!” both of them turn around quickly and Kim stands up and walks to her, “It's not what you think” she tries to take the food from her hands and lead her into the room to sit on the couch.  
But she resists.  
“No, I think it's exactly what I think. Every time I turn my back I can hear you whispering or feel you exchanging looks. I AM SO TIRED OF THIS! I NEVER ASKED FOR THIS!”  
Kim turns to Hailey then back to Vanessa.  
“SEE! Exactly what I was saying! You're doing it right now! Like I'm the one all messed up, but I'm fine, you're the ones with issues!”  
“Wow! Calm down, this is not gonna go down like this, not this time.” Hailey stands up too and walks towards Vanessa, “Come sit down, and let's talk this through.” she is trying her best to sound calm but firm.  
“There is nothing to talk about! I'm gonna go back to town! I'm tired of living like this!”  
“Well let's talk about that! You were planning to... what? Just disappear on us one morning? All your stuff gone?”  
“What are you talking about? How do you even know about it? Have you been through my stuff?” Vanessa was very hyper now, pacing on the floor, looking like she was looking for something, maybe her keys, maybe her phone?  
“No, we didn't have to! Apparently, the whole district knows you are looking for a new flat. Why Vanessa? What happened? Did we do something to you?” Kim was getting impatient, more than she wanted to sound, but the situation was too volatile now, there was no putting this genie back in the bottle.  
“It's just... the looks, the whispers... I thought you were, I don't know turning against me?” she was starting to sound unsure of herself, after being so sure of her read on the situation.  
“What? Turning against you? Why? Why would we ever...?”  
Vanessa was now looking from Kim to Hailey, then back to Kim. She expects any of them to blow off on her now, but they don't, they just look at her with something looking too much like pity in their eyes.  
__

__She wants to hide now. This isn't going at all where she thought it would.  
Seeing she is calming down, Kim tries for the second time to have her sit down in the armchair closest to her.  
_ _

__  
“Don't tell me this is some sort of intervention,” she tries jokingly, trying to redirect the tone of the conversation to a lighter mood feeling ashamed of her unprovoked burst; but she can see on her friends' eyes that they are not going to let her off the hook so easily this time.  
“Vanessa, you know you can talk to us... about anything.” The time for pretending was over.  
“And if not us, maybe we can find someone more... qualified to help.”  
Vanessa refuses now to look at either of the women. She clenches her teeth and says “There's nothing to talk about... I'm fine...It just got a bit claustrophobic is all, and I'm sorry if I was a bit clumsy about it, I just really thought you wanted to go back to your normal life like the unit is back to what it was before I joined and I figured it was time for your lives to go back to normal too.” Her voice breaks at that point.  
And for a long minute, nobody says anything. Hailey moves silently and sits on the couch close to Kim, and looks to catch Vanessa's eyes.  
“We can see you're hurting, it's gonna haunt you forever if you don't find a way to talk about it, you're a smart girl, you know that right?”  
“You don't understand...” she starts but Hailey cuts her right there and then, not wanting to give her a way to wiggle herself out of it.  
“Actually the problem is, we do, we do understand, a little too well honey. Not all of our stories are the same but we understand.”  
Vanessa shots an alarmed look at Hailey, tears filling up her eyes, what was she saying?  
__

__“I'm sorry I don't want to... please don't look so...” then she couldn't find the right word, so she continues, “It didn't happen to me, not like you... but something did, and I never told anyone, never the whole story anyway... and every time I wanted to tell it I could see in people eyes how their looks can go from alarm to relief every time I said _“He didn't rape me”, _then I would leave it at that, I had no idea how aggravated sexual assault could sound so relieving to people, but here we are” she chuckles a bit “It happened with my partner at the time, and my supervisor, and my brother and even with Jay, it's like it gives people the permission not to see you as broken, and maybe I'm grateful for that, but... it did fuck me up.”  
___ _

___  
Kim and Vanessa were like transfixed by Hailey recounting, not even wanting to breathe too loudly, scared to ruin the moment.  
“What are you talking about?” Kim ends up asking, gently rubbing her arm, seeing how Hailey was getting caught up in her memories.  
“You remember Booth right? How I went back under because I had a pre-existing relationship with him from a former assignment ?” Kim nods, but Vanessa shakes her head.  
“It was just a stupid little UC work I didn't really need to do, but silly me needed to prove something to someone, a lot of someones. It happened at a time where I had doubts about my staying in the force, even though it had been a girlhood dream... I mean since I was a kid I was always a boy's girl, doesn't sound as cool now, but for the longest time, I thought I was so cool and so tough, my dad was hard, my brothers were toughs, and when I joined the force I thought I'd just fit right in, I was used to this energy, day in day out since forever, but god the academy was tough, it was the little things, the jokes on top of being asked for dates all the time, on top of being looked over while trying to make a mark and be the best I could, it was pretty shitty at first, but after a while, I found my people, and I that was it, I thought all that bs was behind me.  
And it was for a long time until I dated one of my coworkers, and eventually, it ended then I understood how fragile this whole balance was.  
I became the butt of all jokes again while all I wanted was to work and get over him in peace, so when I heard about a classic stupid UC work to dismantle the growing operation of an elusive drug dealer I volunteered, they were putting a couple of us under, some we would know about, some we wouldn't, I got partnered with a cop from Narcotics named Garrett, and what should have been maybe a few weeks or work became a few months, I wasn't unhappy about it, it was a pretty deep cover so I had the whole UC life and it helped me snap out of my misery, I was good at the job and that didn't hurt.” She takes a breath and after a second of hesitation chugs some wine to give her the strength to continue with this.  
_ _ _

“I was working the whole chain you know? Not just the number 2 or 3 but from the bottom up, until I became completely blended into their world.  
Now Booth... people were calling him all kinds of super smart and all the crap we always call gangsters we cannot catch, but to me, he was just another bully, and I knew my way around them. So I didn't treat him like a brilliant mob boss or anything, but just like another guy selling drugs, and after some time he started to notice me, then talk to me, and before long kinda trust me?  
So when one day he comes back gloating after a massive buy from another dealer, he decides to throw a “company” wide New Year's Eve party, but that triggered a ton of chatter and our supervisor told us to try to get something that can finally be used for a sting, and so at some point during that party, I see an opening and I go for it.” she stops for a moment, licks her lips and massages her neck, her eyes now mesmerized by the flames roaring, she continues, “He invites me into a room and gives me something to drink, himself was already pretty fucking drunk so I thought that's easy enough, been dealing with drunken men since I was a child, so maybe I had my guards a bit down? I don't know, maybe I'm just blaming myself... all I know all of a sudden he is all over me, trying to kiss me and his hands everywhere over my body, I wrestle him off a first time and you know, just try to brush it off, thinking I can still get something from him, but he was dead-set on having me, he slapped me and tried to rip my dress off, I stroke back and tried to leave the room, but he punched me and pushed me around like I was weighing nothing, I tried not to lose consciousness but he was...” her voice breaks,” His hands were everywhere, I couldn't fight him off, I was losing and he was choking me, I thought I was going to die and it seemed so trivial, I didn't plan to go out like that and thank fuck I didn't, Garrett ended up finding me just in time and fought him off of me and got me to the hospital.”  
she starts regaining a bit more composure.  


“You know, the first thing I was asked was if I needed a rape kit, I said I didn't know, because I really didn't know, when do you know it? How much touching is rapey enough? So they waited a bit, and then my boss arrived, and he asked me too, “ Did he rape you?” I said no, and he said then there was no need to go through that then, that it wouldn't help the case because those things are hard to prove, that if maybe I was shot then... maybe.  
So that's what I did, half of my body was broken and that was enough to keep me busy for a few weeks, I was told I should lay low in any case not to blow my cover, so I couldn't stay in town, the operation wasn't all done just yet, so I went to stay at one my brothers out of the city for a couple of weeks, then Garrett disappeared... then they arrested Booth, and I thought I'd never see him again, until around 2 years ago when he flew right into our radar.”  


____She continues the rest of the tale, now mainly for Vanessa, Kim was missing the context, but she was more or less aware of how the operation went._ _ _ _

____“It's the first time I tell anyone the whole... thing, I think I was always a little ashamed of how cocky I was, of how I put myself into this situation for what? A couple of kilos off the streets? Losing a good cop over that... and the rest... I had no idea what the job could take from us, and I wasn't gonna sacrifice even more telling anyone who would listen I was almost raped while under, I didn't think my career could have survived it at the time, but looking back I still wonder why we got so much loyalty to a job that doesn't know what to do with us in the first place.”_ _ _ _

____The silence that follows is only interrupted by Hailey swallowing back some tears._ _ _ _

______“I don't want this for you Vanessa, I want you to be able to heal from this. You have to talk to us, we're here to help.”  
And for a hot second, it looks like she's about to say something, she can feel their gaze on her and she refuses to meet their eyes.  
Then she just stands up and says “I wish I could, but I can't.” and disappears in her bedroom.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this isn't the chapter I initially wrote, but I was very unhappy with it so I decided to uproot them a bit for a little while so I too can have the time to breathe.  
> It's very chatty and I hope it comes off as natural as possible but I needed some exposure for the story.  
> I felt a bit Christmassy so even if it's not Christmas season in my story I just spent a few days with my gal pals and we got a bit of snow and got inspired for this setup.  
> (see also Shay and Gaby getaway in Season 2 of Fire and Emily, Brett and Stella in season 7. )
> 
> I couldn't remember all the details of Hailey's backstory for the episode called Ghosts, but it's totally based on that and so I hope it works out ok in the end.
> 
> Thank you all for reading this, I love seeing the kudos and the bookmarks and the comments!  
> I wish everybody a happy holiday season, hoping all of you are safe <3!


End file.
